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There is really not a lot to say about today… it’s been 4 years. In some ways I am in awe that so much time has passed and in other times, like now when I look at that picture of Mike above, I have to remind myself of the things that are starting to slip from my memory – the size of his hands, the blue in his eyes, the way he’d smile when he looked at me. If it’s fading for me, how must it be for Michaela? Last night we were looking through old pictures. Some of them weren’t THAT old. I mean, yeah, her 2nd birthday I don’t expect her to remember that but her pre-school graduation? I kinda thought she’d remember it well. It was one of the last major milestones she had before we lost her Dad. She couldn’t remember a thing. So, I am seeing one of my fears come to fruition – the memories of her father are fading. Thank goodness I took so many pictures and that we had so many things that we did together as a family. We will need to look at the photos often and speak of the memories just so they can stay alive within her. I’ve lost my husband, yes. But I will always have those memories and that gives me comfort… most of the time. But what will comfort Michaela when she gets her driver’s license, goes on her first date, gets married, has her first child and her father isn’t there to share in those moments?
I guess it’ll be me. No pressure…
Golly… I sure miss ya, Mike. I think I’m gonna need a little help down here… Just sayin’…
Last night as we were getting ready for bed, Michaela goes, “Mom? You ok?”
“Yes,” I responded. “I’m fine. Why?”
“I dunno. You seem…gloomy.”
I had a really depressing entry ready for posting today. I bet if I were to go back to the past 3 New Year’s Eve posts, they probably all say the same kind of crap. I’m sad. I’m lonely and I’m pissed off. Who needs to hear that? New Year’s Eve is supposed to be a time of optimism, not regret and longing. I deleted the junk I just wrote. And I’ll say simply that I am reaching that point where I am refusing to let the pain and loneliness dictate my thoughts. Seriously…depression can suck it. I am choosing optimism for 2012.
I’m realistic though… I don’t expect to meet my 6’4″ can pass for Hugh Jackman’s twin brother, loves Rick Springfield and strolls down Disneyland’s Main Street as much as I do dream guy to show up this year (although, if you’re out there..call me..k?)…but I do expect some good stuff this year – reconnecting with some family that we haven’t seen in a while, watching my nephew graduate college, give my daughter a most excellent 10th birthday celebration and if I can help it, take in a Rick concert (or two, or three, or four) and maybe have some unexpected pleasant surprises – like Obama being voted out of the White House. Oh, a girl can dream…and I would really REALLY like that last one.. I haven’t talked politics in a long time but if I have to end 2012 knowing that clown has another 4 years, you can bet next New Year’s Eve I won’t be so optimistic! Gaah! That guy sucks. I miss Clinton. No really. I DO! Yikes.
So, anyhoo… The kid pegged me as gloomy and I WAS feeling pretty gloomy when I started writing this… it’s that dreaded time of year of course, I burnt the 2nd set of Cake Pops that I was baking AND I just lost a game of Monopoly (that game sucks). But having ranted about the O-word for a bit, I am feeling a bit better. Perhaps I’ll rant about politics some more in the near future…I can hear you now… Oh, goodie…
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Note: This site sits on the same server as a very popular Christmas site. Accessing my blog will be difficult today because let’s face it, it’s is FAR more important to know where Santa is right now versus reading my ramblings. I am not offended by this in the least. Let Santa have his day! 
If you are really all that interested in this post, please come back tomorrow or maybe even Monday and it should load faster for you.
This morning I woke up earlier that I wanted to. Between weird dreams and me thinking about the night Mike died, I couldn’t lay there any longer. Why was I thinking about Mike in this way? I mean, how many more times could I replay that night in my head? Yet here I was thinking what I could have done differently to shield Michaela from what transpired that night almost 4 years ago. I know…this is really an inspirational uplifting Christmas message but to know me and to know what this experience is like for me, is to know that these moments where I feel the most vulnerable and sad happen in the least convenient times. Continue Reading…
