My Name is Kris and I Blah-g

Today I was wondering if the the void I sometimes feel – you know those times of nothingness – are nature’s way of letting your body recover from grief. Lately, I have been feeling NOTHING. And it’s a frustrating experience because I neither feel sad nor happy. I can’t make myself cry nor can I make myself laugh. I just AM. It’s a numbness, I guess. And I have decided that I don’t like nothing. At least when I am actively grieving, I at least feel I am still living as opposed to the just existing that I usually feel. Although the grief is literally painful, I know I am not dead. So, I know this sounds really depressing and gee, I should just try to look on the bright side of things. Well, I do. Really. I try to think of those things. But to be honest, I am grateful for the moments when I cry – even though they seem to happen a lot when I feel like lots of eyes are on me, like in my car. Let’s get real here. People tend to think they’re invisible in their cars but how many have you ever caught picking their nose? I know! Lots of them. So I know that I’m not invisible there. Anyway, I don’t particularly like having a freak out in my car but the feeling I have after those moments have passed I am grateful for. At least I know that I haven’t stopped feeling. Because feeling is living.