My Name is Kris and I Blah-g

Sometimes there is nothing there. Really. I have a void in my brain that surfaces from time to time when I am actually thinking about nothing. I think if I ever had a CAT-scan, my brain probably wouldn’t even register. This phenomenon was given a name on a widow website called “widow brain”…. Widow brain consists of the afore mentioned issue but also forgetfulness and  irrationality. But then there are those random moments of clarity. Let it be known that this is not one of those times…however...I certainly do not have all the answers. And with the exception of politics, I am not always right. Well, sometimes! However, this morning I was reading some thoughts from other widows and they were wondering about heaven. In the case of one widow, she was bothered by something someone told her at her husband’s funeral. This person said that her husband was in heaven missing her. She said that it brought no comfort to her. She doesn’t want to think of him missing her or feeling any type of pain. She thinks heaven is a place of peace and love. And although I agree with that, I don’t agree with her assessment that the people who leave us behind stop feeling the feelings of sadness and regret once they’re gone. I mean, what’s the point of being born and living anyway if we do not learn the differences between pleasure and pain – good and evil – happiness and sadness? We are here to learn these things and then one day return to heaven to report back on our lives. We only take with us what we learn, right? I’d like to think that Mike has run the gammut of emotions since his return to heaven. I am sure that he has experienced much peace and love that heaven has to offer. I am sure that it is that peace and love that offers him comfort from the sadness and regret of how he left this life. He missing out on a lot here. The dreams he had will never be fulfilled. He’ll never get to be an active participant in the rest of my life or the life of his daughter. He’ll get to witness it. But he’ll have to do it from where he’s at. I am sure that brings him much sadness. And honestly, I hope it does. I DO hope he feels bad because what kind of person would he be if he didn’t? And much like how I have to learn to live with this new life of mine and cope with his absence, he’ll have to do likewise. For me, I have my faith and the love and support of my family and friends to assist me. For Mike, he’s got the love and support of his family that went before him and he’s got the love of heaven to help him. Do I think he’s in an eternal state of suffering? No. I don’t think Mike suffers. I don’t believe for a second that he’s going through turmoil. But I do think that he has regret. And that he misses us. I do think that given the opportunity, he would have made different choices to prevent this outcome. And I do believe that he’s got a much better understanding about how things work and what’s got to be done before we see him again. In some ways, I envy him for the opportunity he’s been given. I’m still here. I’m still having to figure it all out. He’s got a much clearer picture now. But he’s got his work cut out for himself too. I’m sorry, my fellow widows/widowers…our loved ones can still feel. They can still ache. But they’re protected and loved nonetheless. And that is what brings me comfort…I’m still here… I am amazed at how quickly life in these United States has gone down the tubes. A year ago, I was reeling from the death of my husband and as terrible as that was, I still had a job. A lot more people had jobs. The stock market was way up. Gas prices sucked but things were doing ok. Unemployment was relatively low. But now we’re looking at about 8% unemployment. The stockmarket is teetering at 8000. People have lost their retirement savings. And every day there is another company announcing layoffs or bankruptcy. I can’t drive down the street now without seeing some guy standing on a corner advertising for a store that is going out of business. I can’t turn on the TV now without seeing President Obama telling the cameras that it’s his way or the highway. His idea of being bi-partisan is to get the republicans to agree with him. He’s not interested in working together. He’s not interested in leading by example. He’s not interested in rising above himself and offering encouraging words. No. It’s going to get worse, he says. We are heading for a catastrophe, he warns. Where is the hope he promised? This guy hasn’t even been president a month and yet he’s late to every meeting. He reminds those who disagree with him that “he won”. He put those stupid greek columns up on the stage in the press briefing room and added stage lighting. I feel like I’m listening to a dictator rather than a president. And how quickly are we losing our freedoms and agency? Blink and you may miss it. Already in the works is legislation to bring “fairness” to the airwaves. Never mind that there are radio OWNERS who should dictate what they want to play on the air. It is business afterall and if the liberal point of view made them money, they would certainly have it on the air. Lord knows it’s been tried. There is a reason that people like Rush Limbaugh are so successful…people listen. Business advertise on their programs and people buy their stuff. It’s BUSINESS. But it’s not “fair”…waaah! Find a liberal version of Limbaugh and it’ll work for you too…But it won’t happen like that. Instead, radio stations will now be FORCED to put opposing views on the air. Or worse, talk radio as we know it now will cease to exist. They are planning to restrict free speech, folks and it won’t end with radio. Blogs like mine which have no impact on society one bit may one day be watched (it probably is already…yeah, 38.100.8.50, I’m talking to you)  and ultimately shut down. The only thing more scary than people like Obama are the people who are allowing this to happen. *Shudder*So there you have it….two broad spectrums of thought coming from the brain of widow who has yet to get out of her jammies or brush her hair at nearly 10 o’clock on a Sunday morning. Some days it’s just better to just not get out of bed…