Dear Mike,
I’ve thought about what I would say to you if I could see you again. I have considered writing you a letter which is kind of weird because where would I mail it? You’ve been gone now nearly 21 months. That in and of itself is hard to believe. Today I recognize a 2nd wedding anniversary without you. And I’m doing ok. I can be all poetic about the irony of celebrating a wedding anniversary without a spouse or I can lash out in anger in the injustice of how I lost you. But today I feel peace which is something I haven’t felt for a very long time. Perhaps I am coming to grips with my new life. Perhaps I have learned to accept it. Or simply…I have learned to live with it. They call it “finding a new normal” but I don’t see anything normal about it all. How can a person understand the depths of my sorrow unless they’ve walked in my shoes? How can I explain that I not only mourn YOU, the person but I also mourn the loss of my life’s goals, my identity of who I once was, the companionship I used to have and that love…the love I saw like when I looked into your eyes 12 years ago today and vowed to love you forever. It is a mighty black fog to wander in. You can’t see to take a step forward let alone a hand in front of your face. Grief is blinding. But in the midst of that darkness is hope. I can honestly say that now. Sure I will have days when I can fall back into a funk and feel sorry for myself but something has happened that gives me something to hold on to during those moments.
A couple weeks ago I was driving alone in my car. And I was letting my mind wander which is something I oft do. There are really only two places where I can really feel alone with my thoughts. One place is the bathroom and yeah, I think about you a lot in there because it was your favorite room of the house. And the other is my car. I talk to you a lot there. And I cry a lot there – or..at least, I used to. Not so much any more which is good because it’s hard to drive when you’re crying. But I digress…not too long ago I was driving and like many times before, you were on my mind. And I wasn’t thinking anything in particular…just that I missed you and wished you were here. And then I felt it. Love. IMMENSE LOVE. It was just like that day 12 years ago today. It felt like this:
I remember this moment 12 years ago today. I remember giving you that smile. Your face was flushed with happiness, nervousness and mostly relief because by this point the hard part of that day was over and we were ready to start our lives together. I remember the look in your eyes. I remember how your hands were shaking when I held them. I remember how you didn’t want to ride that tractor but I made you do it.
That’s love, baby. And in the middle of the freeway, doing 70 mph and not thinking anything in particular, that feeling enveloped me. 21 months…. it took you long enough! But I am grateful anyway. You managed to find a way to let me know. Thank you for the early Anniversary Gift…now if you can send a little more of that my way today, that’d be great.
Happy 12th Anniversary, hon…
Love your eternal partner,
Kris
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