My Name is Kris and I Blah-g

Well, I’m 38 now… I can’t believe it. I’ve been fluttering between feelings of horror, sadness, ambivalence, numbness and excitement. I’m horrified that time moves so quickly. I am sad because Mike isn’t here to share this day with me (it is also our 6th anniversary of our Temple marriage). I am ambivalent because one one hand I am feeling negatively about the day but on the other, I have always loved my birthday and want to love it this year too. It’s such a conflict. I have a right to be happy but there is still that nagging feeling of guilt that makes things like this leave a sour taste in my mouth. I feel numb as I try to bury these feelings deep and then I am excited because I have a 7 year old who knows how to celebrate these things right! She wished me a happy birthday-eve yesterday and gleefully helped bake my birthday cake with her aunt. She is genuinely thrilled for my birthday and makes no bones about the fact that I am inching ever so closer to 40 which is ok because she says I don’t officially become old until I am 100. I guess I am safe for now.I am also excited because we’re hitting the road. I did that a lot last year. It certainly helped during those times of self-inflicted moments of wo’… I love the escape. I love fleeing the constant reminder of the daily grind. I experienced some painful feelings on Mike’s birthday a couple weeks ago and those feelings are bubbling up again – I can feel it. But this time I am a little vexed by them. I am annoyed I feel them. It makes me angry. Dang it. It’s my favorite time of the year and it’s ruining it for me. What is so wrong with wanting to enjoy myself? So I resolve to do just that. It’s my birthday gift to me. I resolve to have a good birthday. And I resolve to go to Vegas and see Phantom and pretend that really is Gerard Butler up there singing to ME (darn…I can dream, can’t I?).