I am having one of those days this week… LOL. Why is that? I just can be going along minding my own business and I just start to THINK. And believe me, I don’t mind thinking about Mike – at ALL. But I want to think about the HAPPY stuff – and there is PLENTY of that. I don’t want to spend my nights dreaming about him if it means that I have to wake up in the morning feeling like I felt a little over 2 years ago when things seemed helpless and I didn’t know what to do. These seeds of doubt keep getting planted and I feel like I am constantly weeding out my brain. SO annoying.
So, what do I do? I have been taking solace in my work outs believe it or not. It’s become a sanctuary of sorts for me to zone out. When I go, I use the stationary bikes that sit in front of a big window. The window faces east towards the mountain. The gym is literally located a couple blocks west of the cemetery that Mike rests in. So as I peddle away, I am staring up at that mountain he lays at the foot of. Directly outside the window is a stop sign. It’s become a symbol of those seeds of doubt. Sometimes it’s pretty hard to get motivated to go each morning or if I get started on the bike, that 45 minutes I am on it seem SO long. That stop sign just glares back at me. But behind it stands that mountain that towers over Mike’s grave. It’s these weird thoughts that I battle on a daily basis! It’s frustrating and exhausting!
Amidst all of this, I listen to my iPod. It’s no secret that I have been on this Danny Gokey kick for a while (gee, wonder why?). But get past that for a moment and understand that as I listen to the songs on his album, I understand completely WHY the songs are on there and why he calls this first album of his an anthem for his life right now. It’s become mine as well.
So, as I stare down that stop sign each morning, this is the song I listen to. Whatever it takes to keep pushing forward, ya know?
I Still Believe
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I’ve been looking for a light
At the end of this tunnel
I’ve been searching for a sign
To lead me home
Too many endless nights
Of sorrow
But on the other side of this
I know that my heart will live
I never saw a man that walked on the water
I never met a man that walked on the water
But I still believe
I don’t really know what tomorrow will bring
But I’m open to all possibilities
‘Cause I still believe
And the more I live my life
The lesser I question
All the things I just can’t see
Right in front of my eyes
So I take that leap of faith
And learn a few lessons
Time showed me that
What you give is what you get
I never saw a man that walked on the water
I never met a man that walked on the water
But I still believe
I don’t know the answer to my prayer
But I keep kneeling down like somebody is there
‘Cause I still believe
(Now, listen)
Well, I guess I could give up
‘Cause there are days I wanna run away
From everything
But what good would that do for me
‘Cause I, I, I still believe
I never saw a man that walked on the water
I never met a man that walked on the water
But I still believe
I never saw a man that walked on the water
I never met a man that walked on the water
But I still believe
I don’t really know what tomorrow will bring
But I’m open to all possibilities
‘Cause I still believe
I never saw a man, never saw a man, never saw a man,
Who walked on the water
I never saw a man, never saw a man, never saw a man,
But I, but I, but I believe
But I, but I, but I believe
But I, but I, but I believe
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