My Name is Kris and I Blah-g

I am having one of those days this week… LOL. Why is that? I just can be going along minding my own business and I just start to THINK. And believe me, I don’t mind thinking about Mike – at ALL. But I want to think about the HAPPY stuff – and there is PLENTY of that. I don’t want to spend my nights dreaming about him if it means that I have to wake up in the morning feeling like I felt a little over 2 years ago when things seemed helpless and I didn’t know what to do. These seeds of doubt keep getting planted and I feel like I am constantly weeding out my brain. SO annoying.So, what do I do? I have been taking solace in my work outs believe it or not. It’s become a sanctuary of sorts for me to zone out. When I go, I use the stationary bikes that sit in front of a big window. The window faces east towards the mountain. The gym is literally located a couple blocks west of the cemetery that Mike rests in. So as I peddle away, I am staring up at that mountain he lays at the foot of. Directly outside the window is a stop sign. It’s become a symbol of those seeds of doubt. Sometimes it’s pretty hard to get motivated to go each morning or if I get started on the bike, that 45 minutes I am on it seem SO long. That stop sign just glares back at me. But behind it stands that mountain that towers over Mike’s grave. It’s these weird thoughts that I battle on a daily basis! It’s frustrating and exhausting!Amidst all of this, I listen to my iPod. It’s no secret that I have been on this Danny Gokey kick for a while (gee, wonder why?). But get past that for a moment and understand that as I listen to the songs on his album, I understand completely WHY the songs are on there and why he calls this first album of his an anthem for his life right now. It’s become mine as well.So, as I stare down that stop sign each morning, this is the song I listen to. Whatever it takes to keep pushing forward, ya know?I Still Believe [audio:istillbelieve.mp3]I’ve been looking for a lightAt the end of this tunnelI’ve been searching for a signTo lead me homeToo many endless nightsOf sorrowBut on the other side of thisI know that my heart will liveI never saw a man that walked on the waterI never met a man that walked on the waterBut I still believeI don’t really know what tomorrow will bringBut I’m open to all possibilities’Cause I still believeAnd the more I live my lifeThe lesser I questionAll the things I just can’t seeRight in front of my eyesSo I take that leap of faithAnd learn a few lessonsTime showed me thatWhat you give is what you getI never saw a man that walked on the waterI never met a man that walked on the waterBut I still believeI don’t know the answer to my prayerBut I keep kneeling down like somebody is there’Cause I still believe(Now, listen)Well, I guess I could give up’Cause there are days I wanna run awayFrom everythingBut what good would that do for me’Cause I, I, I still believeI never saw a man that walked on the waterI never met a man that walked on the waterBut I still believeI never saw a man that walked on the waterI never met a man that walked on the waterBut I still believeI don’t really know what tomorrow will bringBut I’m open to all possibilities’Cause I still believeI never saw a man, never saw a man, never saw a man,Who walked on the waterI never saw a man, never saw a man, never saw a man,But I, but I, but I believeBut I, but I, but I believeBut I, but I, but I believe