My Name is Kris and I Blah-g

Note: This site sits on the same server as a very popular Christmas site. Accessing my blog will be difficult today because let’s face it, it’s is FAR more important to know where Santa is right now versus reading my ramblings. I am not offended by this in the least. Let Santa have his day! If you are really all that interested in this post, please come back tomorrow or maybe even Monday and it should load faster for you.

This morning I woke up earlier that I wanted to. Between weird dreams and me thinking about the night Mike died, I couldn’t lay there any longer. Why was I thinking about Mike in this way? I mean, how many more times could I replay that night in my head? Yet here I was thinking what I could have done differently to shield Michaela from what transpired that night almost 4 years ago. I know…this is really an inspirational uplifting Christmas message but to know me and to know what this experience is like for me, is to know that these moments where I feel the most vulnerable and sad happen in the least convenient times.

So, I made my way downstairs to let the dog out and talk with my Mom who I knew would be awake and she was. We talked for a while about nonsense and then after a little bit she asked me how I cope with my loss. I suppose I am pretty good at putting on a smile and just carrying on. Her mother who has been gone over 40 years was on her mind, I am sure and I know that losing her was a great loss to her. And she wondered how even after all this time she could feel this way about her mom and then see me living day to day without my mate for surely my loss was quite different. Well, it is…but a loss is a loss. You can’t bury it, so to speak. I mean, you could and then live in denial your whole life but what kind of life would that be? I told Mom that sometimes I don’t cope with it. Sometimes I can’t. And I have to let those times happen. I hate those times.

But what does that have to do with Christmas? Well, a lot. This time 4 years ago was really rotten. Mike was going through some junk and it was making our marriage very difficult to hold together. And I was probably the saddest I had been ever. It was capped off by kicking off the new year with his death. That 4 year anniversary is coming in another week and a half and I cannot wait for it to be over. I don’t anticipate Christmas like I used to. Christmas takes forever to get here not because I am anxious for it. But I am just anxious for it to be over. How sad is that? But it’s the truth…unfortunately.

For those who have suffered recent losses, I am sure that knowing that 4 years into your own you won’t have much comfort that time is supposed to give you must really make you wonder what you’re in for. Speaking from experience, I can say that you are in for extreme ups and extreme downs. It is a roller coaster and my only advice is that you ride it. What other choice is there? Sit this one out and then wake up and wonder where your life went? No thank you. I’ll take the roller coaster even though it sometimes makes me sick. At least I know I am living.

Tonight we will make our annual Christmas Eve pilgrimage to the cemetery to decorate Mike’s grave. It is a tradition that we have had now for the past 4 Christmases. It is one that Michaela counts on and I continue to do it for her, not necessarily for me. I have to admit that even though I would rather ride the roller coaster, denial wouldn’t be so bad half the time! LOL Anyway, she is excited for Christmas and I try hard to channel that excitement. I will continue to do my best to be a good Santa. I just can’t help but be wistfully envious though of those Moms & Dads like who we saw at WalMart last night doing their frantic shopping. I think back on my last Christmas with Mike putting together toys in our basement and how he had to run off to Walgreens at 11 o’clock that night to get the batteries we had forgotten. Given that it was the beginning of my last 10 days with him, it is a bitter sweet memory. But one I cherish.

I created the following video on Christmas 2008 – our first without him. I refer to this each Christmas now because the song’s words convey exactly how I feel during this time of year and I imagine it’s him saying them to me. I do want to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas and thank you all for being a great support to me during the last 4 years and especially during these times of melancholy and sadness. I am OKAY. And I will BE okay. This is just the way things are… it’s nothing to get over…just something you have to learn to live with…. Merry Christmas.

Originally posted December 19, 2008 – Click here.