My Name is Kris and I Blah-g

In April, I had the opportunity to go to Orlando for the Florida Film Festival. I was asked by K*Chele Magazine to cover the event. So I was hooked up with a neato press pass:

I had all these delusions of grandeur about interviewing Rick Springfield and how I was going to write this really kick-butt article and be nominated for a Pulitzer and cure cancer and run for President and beat Obama’s sorry arse and then I woke up and realized that not only was I completely crazy, but I was fooling myself. Who was I kidding? How could I possibly remain objective when writing a story about my rock star hero?

I mean, SERIOUSLY. How am I supposed to interview this guy standing there looking like that in front of me?!

THEN he does this, to my super-cute kid….

and totally turned me to mush…

Well, not only did I NOT get an opportunity interview Rick, but the Q&A that they had after the movie that I envisioned being my savior and answering all of those burning questions that would turn my article into a literary masterpiece was posted on YouTube the next day. Seriously?!  Now what?

I went home and tried denial out for a while.

Then I got a an email from the magazine….article is due!

()!^@*(!%)#!#%&)%!)&@*%!)&#%!#

Well, I made the commitment. I had to honor it. I had to write something.

I would write a sentence. Then erase it. I would write a paragraph. Stare at it. Read it a couple times. Flip off my computer screen and then erase that. Nothing was working. I finally came to the conclusion that I couldn’t write this as the casual observer. I had gone through an experience that was more about me than the film festival itself. I’m not in the movie but the movie was about me. I don’t just casually listen to Rick’s music or go to his concerts, he’s actually made an impact on my life and the life of my daughter – as weird as that sounds – and I felt compelled to share that story. What came next were my feelings about going to Orlando to take part in this event and how full-circle I feel like I have come since those feelings of hopelessness enveloped me 4 years ago.

Now, THAT sounds weird. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t have my head in the clouds. My reality is still very much real. I have no illusions that this will lead me to some awakening where I find my new calling in life or anything dramatic like that. But I realize now that I have been given these experiences the past 4 years for a reason. I don’t believe for a moment that any of these encounters with Rick, the bonding with my daughter and the possible professional consequences that could come of them have been coincidence. There is something bigger at work here. Is it God? Is it Mike? What’s going on here? I don’t know. But what I do know is that it’s exciting. I see a light at the end of this dark tunnel that wasn’t there before. I see the possibilities of a future that is more about the what if instead of what could have been. Could it be? Dare I say it? Optimism? That sounds good to me!

Last weekend, I met with Rick at a soundcheck in Lake Tahoe. I explained to him as briefly as I could “our story.” I never find it easy to talk about Mike. Amidst the shaking and cotton mouth, I put this article into his hands and told him that it pretty much said what I wanted to tell him. I don’t know if he’s read it. I guess it doesn’t matter. It’s out there now. I’m not allowed to share it on my blog, unfortunately so, if you want to see it in action in the publication itself, you can purchase it here.

Cried my eyes out during this performance on the cruise (see below) – not necessarily because of what Rick was feeling in that moment but because I was feeling it too. We all were – anyone who’s lost someone they cared about way too soon…

New face, Full smile
2 feet, gone wild
Racing, young heart
Close gate, false start
When it came for you I could barely breathe
Punched a hole right through
You were gone
Forever
Forever is a long, long time
I never thought it would hurt like this
I’d rather be, I’d rather be
Oblivious
Oblivious

Black rain, fall hard
Caught me, off guard
Shooting, bright star
Shine on, where you are
When they sang for you I could barely feel
Numbing down the fact I’m alone
Forever
Forever is a long, long time
I never thought it would hurt like this
I’d rather be, I’d rather be
Oblivious
Oblivious
Oblivious
Oblivious

Angel, get wings
Life starts, hope springs
Forever (Forever)
Forever is a long, long time
Forever
We’ll be at rest
Until that day I’d rather be
Oblivious
Oblivious
Oblivious
Oblivious

Last night as we were getting ready for bed, Michaela goes, “Mom? You ok?”

“Yes,” I responded. “I’m fine. Why?”

“I dunno. You seem…gloomy.”

I had a really depressing entry ready for posting today. I bet if I were to go back to the past 3 New Year’s Eve posts, they probably all say the same kind of crap. I’m sad. I’m lonely and I’m pissed off. Who needs to hear that? New Year’s Eve is supposed to be a time of optimism, not regret and longing. I deleted the junk I just wrote. And I’ll say simply that I am reaching that point where I am refusing to let the pain and loneliness dictate my thoughts. Seriously…depression can suck it. I am choosing optimism for 2012.

I’m realistic though… I don’t expect to meet my 6’4″ can pass for Hugh Jackman’s twin brother, loves Rick Springfield and strolls down Disneyland’s Main Street as much as I do dream guy to show up this year (although, if you’re out there..call me..k?)…but I do expect some good stuff this year – reconnecting with some family that we haven’t seen in a while, watching my nephew graduate college, give my daughter a most excellent 10th birthday celebration and if I can help it, take in a Rick concert (or two, or three, or four) and maybe have some unexpected pleasant surprises – like Obama being voted out of the White House. Oh, a girl can dream…and I would really REALLY like that last one.. I haven’t talked politics in a long time but if I have to end 2012 knowing that clown has another 4 years, you can bet next New Year’s Eve I won’t be so optimistic! Gaah! That guy sucks. I miss Clinton. No really. I DO! Yikes.

So, anyhoo… The kid pegged me as gloomy and I WAS feeling pretty gloomy when I started writing this… it’s that dreaded time of year of course, I burnt the 2nd set of Cake Pops that I was baking AND I just lost a game of Monopoly (that game sucks). But having ranted about the O-word for a bit, I am feeling a bit better. Perhaps I’ll rant about politics some more in the near future…I can hear you now… Oh, goodie…

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Note: This site sits on the same server as a very popular Christmas site. Accessing my blog will be difficult today because let’s face it, it’s is FAR more important to know where Santa is right now versus reading my ramblings. I am not offended by this in the least. Let Santa have his day! If you are really all that interested in this post, please come back tomorrow or maybe even Monday and it should load faster for you.

This morning I woke up earlier that I wanted to. Between weird dreams and me thinking about the night Mike died, I couldn’t lay there any longer. Why was I thinking about Mike in this way? I mean, how many more times could I replay that night in my head? Yet here I was thinking what I could have done differently to shield Michaela from what transpired that night almost 4 years ago. I know…this is really an inspirational uplifting Christmas message but to know me and to know what this experience is like for me, is to know that these moments where I feel the most vulnerable and sad happen in the least convenient times. Read more »

Mixed feelings about today… On one hand… 40…. GAAAAAAAH!!!! On the other?? 40…. Hmmm! This may be the start of something good?

My 30s were certainly a mixed bag. Yesterday Michaela asked me how old I was when she was born.Forget the fact that I gotta continue to school the girl on her math… I told her that I was 30, just a few months shy of my 31st birthday. I said, “Did you know that you were a wish come true on my birthday candles?” She gave me a strange look and I told her that on my 30th birthday I wish SO hard for a baby and thankfully 3 weeks later I discovered that I was pregnant. I reached that milestone thinking that I just HAD to have a kid because I was 30 and 30 was OLD…. *sigh*

I can safely say that the first half of my 30s was awesome. It really was super. The 2nd half sucked ass – stale moldy ass with warts. So yeah, I am heading into my 40s with optimism. I am a little perturbed that my hubby will always be that perpetual 30-something, though while I continue to wrinkle and sag. He and I will have a talk about “fairness” some day.

So, anywho… I woke up this morning to find this on my Facebook wall…

Flippin’ SAAAAA-WEEET!!!! Thanks, Belva!!

By the time this posts, I will already be up in the air flying to Ft. Lauderdale. w00t!

Thought I’d squeak one more post in & share with you today’s calendar page. Think I was excited when I wrote that? Ha ha! So, today started early…4am and on the plane by 7. I will probably Tweet or Facebook some stuff later today from the concert. So, stay tuned to those pages!