My Name is Kris and I Blah-g

It’s with very mixed feelings that I write this blog. This trip was supposed to be one of our “ultimate” fan girl excursions. For Christmas, my parents gave me some money with the idea that I’d use it on either camera equipment or a fun Rick Journey with Michaela. I chose the Rick Journey and bought us a couple passes to a sound check – something we both had neither done before. And this time this would be a literal road trip – something else we had never done before just the two of us. It would be the first time I had even taken my car out of state – how would we do in such a teeny vehicle (just fine) and how would we work it ou just the two of us going for hours on end driving across the Nevada Desert? In a word we did AWESOME and we have video proof below.

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There is really not a lot to say about today… it’s been 4 years. In some ways I am in awe that so much time has passed and in other times, like now when I look at that picture of Mike above, I have to remind myself of the things that are starting to slip from my memory – the size of his hands, the blue in his eyes, the way he’d smile when he looked at me. If it’s fading for me, how must it be for Michaela? Last night we were looking through old pictures. Some of them weren’t THAT old. I mean, yeah, her 2nd birthday I don’t expect her to remember that but her pre-school graduation? I kinda thought she’d remember it well. It was one of the last major milestones she had before we lost her Dad. She couldn’t remember a thing. So, I am seeing one of my fears come to fruition – the memories of her father are fading. Thank goodness I took so many pictures and that we had so many things that we did together as a family. We will need to look at the photos often and speak of the memories just so they can stay alive within her. I’ve lost my husband, yes. But I will always have those memories and that gives me comfort… most of the time. But what will comfort Michaela when she gets her driver’s license, goes on her first date, gets married, has her first child and her father isn’t there to share in those moments?

I guess it’ll be me. No pressure…

Golly… I sure miss ya, Mike. I think I’m gonna need a little help down here… Just sayin’…

I’ve been irritable the past couple of days…. no…grumpy…sad….anxious. Yeah that’s it. It’s inexplicable. Last week it was in the 90s and I was walking around barefoot when I wasn’t hobnobbing with Rick in Malibu.

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Today I dropped Michaela off at her first day of school. As we walked in I was telling her that she was *almost* the “big man” on the lower school campus. Next year she’ll be in 5th grade and she’ll be able to show ‘em all how it’s done. But then she’ll be “bottom of the food chain” in 6th grade and then again in 9th. She giggled a lot when I told her this. So I guess my food chain analogy was successful. I think she likes being the BIG KID.

So it got me thinking… she has grown up SO much and she has changed a lot – especially in the last year. Let me tell you there are parts growing on this girl that I am NOT prepared for. BUT… I reflect on when I was in fourth grade and I can remember it pretty well. I remember a poor girl at school having her sun dress pulled down and how traumatized I was to (1) see this poor girl and all her girl-y-ness and (2) I did NOT want that to ever happen to me. That memory is forever burned in my brain. I felt sorry for that girl but I also remembered thinking that wearing a strapless sundress to school amongst 9 and 10 year old boys was NOT a good idea. Thankfully I don’t have to worry about strapless dresses for Michaela but there is a lot of other growing pains that she’ll have to endure. Kinda makes me cringe to think about. Read more »

Mike & I were married September 27, 1997. Prior to the birth of my daughter, this was the happiest day of my life. It truly was a beautiful, wonderful day. Honestly, nothing went wrong. There were no mishaps. All of our guests had a wonderful time. Today is bittersweet. It is wonderful to think back on this day 13 years ago. But of course, it’s sad to think this is the 3rd of many more anniversaries to come that I will recognize alone. As easy as it would be for me to feel bitter & sad today, I just can’t. Today will be just another day in my new reality but I will take time out to spend alone time with Mike at his grave. I will thank him for the honor of being his wife and I will remember our happy times.

“I Will Not Say Goodbye”

I, like most moms reflect each year on my child’s birthday – how I was feeling the day she was born, what I did, how she looked, how much love I felt for her the first time I laid eyes on her… Michaela likes to say she loves me more than I love her. I am not sure if that’s possible. I tell her that I loved her before she even knew she was her. Before she was even a twinkle in my eye, I was talking to her. I started to write letters to my children shortly after Mike and I were married. I had always felt that I would have two. It was just this gut feeling that I would have a boy & a girl. I was certain that my first would be a girl. It’s weird how decisions and consequences can mess with destiny. I felt strongly I was destined to be a mother of a daughter and son but that changed for me when Mike died. It’s a heartache for sure knowing that I won’t experience pregnancy again. BUT…I am so thankful…SO THANKFUL that I have Michaela. I am not sure how I would have been able to endure the past 2.5 years without her.Today Michaela turned 8. She has always wanted me to do a special slide show about her. This is it…

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