My Name is Kris and I Blah-g

I bought my fishing license yesterday. The big family fishing trip to Fish Lake is in two months. The weather has turned nicer and with Michaela getting out of school in another week, I am itchin’ to get out of the house and partake of some of the local waterways. I am NOT a great fisherwoman. In fact, I don’t even know any of the tricks of the trade. I can’t tell you the difference from one lure to the next. I really have no idea what I am doing. But what I do know is that I love to cast. I love to reel it in. And I love to feel the bite on the hook – even if each time I am just lucky a fish is even tempted by my lure and not because I am using great bait or some mysterious technique. There is something relaxing about casting the line out in the water and reeling it back in… over and over and over. I can  just sit there and think. And if I don’t feel like thinkin’, then I can just sit there and curse the fish that I’m not reeling in and dare them to bite. Last fall, we took a quick trip up to Jackson Hole, WY for a weekend. I have very fond memories of fishing up there long ago with my Dad. I got some pretty cutthroat up there and I had hoped to have the same luck again. We stopped at some streams where I had some previous luck with but nothing was biting. The time was growing short. The day was ending and I just was not getting anything. We drove around some more and found another spot along the stream to give it one last go. My family waited patiently as I cast my line over and over. I admit that I was getting frustrated because nothing was happening. On a side note, that very same day was my wedding anniversary – my first since Mike died. So I know that the family was giving me time for myself at that moment and I appreciated that. I was not sure what to feel that day. I was sad, of course, but we were in beautiful country and I was with people that loved me. It made the day easier. But I admit that I just wanted to catch a fish. I just really wanted it. So I continued to cast out the line. I saw some fishermen who had been giving it a try a lot longer than me and they hadn’t caught anything either. They wished me luck. It wasn’t long til I found myself talking to Mike. The family was back in the car and they weren’t with in sight of me so I felt free enough to talk to myself – or Mike as it were. Anyway, I said to Mike, “Mike… it’s our first anniversary apart. If you can do one thing for me, help me catch a fish.” It was an odd request but darn it, I was trying not to let the day upset me. And just then, there was a strike on my line and that ol’ familiar tug of a fish trying to get away. Before I knew it I was laughing out loud, astonished at the immediate response that I was given. I spied the silvery sparkle of the trout’s belly as it rolled and fought with me. It was with in inches of the shore when with one last roll, it freed itself from the hook and swam away. Losing that fish when it was so close to being mine was ironic. And for a moment it felt as if Mike may have been on the banks of that river with me having a good laugh. I was exhilerated and for the first time since his passing, I felt like things would be ok. I hope Mike can be there for our family trip this year. I wouldn’t mind another crack at catching the one that got away.

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Every year at this time, networks, businesses, the government, etc. like to toot their horn about what they’re doing to help the environment. Although noble in the cause of trying to make the earth a better place for us to live, the whole Earth Day thing and green movement really rubs me the wrong way. It’s contrived, manipulative and disingenuous. Shouldn’t every day be earth day? Now before you think that I have been brainwashed by some tree hugging environmentalist, let me be clear. I don’t support hurting other people in order to save a bird. I am not about to stop shaving my legs and wearing deoderant because I think doing so causes global warming. But I’m willing to do my part. It’s common sense after all… leave the earth for others as you’d want to find it yourself – unrefined, pure and just as God made it. It’s ok to enjoy your time in it. It’s ok to use it. It’s ok to partake of it. But clean up after yourselves when you’re done. 

So, with the warmth of the spring sun at our backs, we ventured out on Monday as a family to enjoy dinner at the park. We flew a kite. We blew bubbles and we played on the playground. It was a great evening. We are going to try to partake of the wonderful outdoors on a frequent basis. Michaela will get excellent use out of her swing set. I am starting a walking routine which I hope will at least keep my knees in shape and if I am really lucky, maybe shrink this gut if only a little bit. Hey, I am even considering getting a bike. I know! What is this world coming to?

Last night, for whatever reason, I decided to upload and share some photos of my family on Facebook. It initially started as a photo album of pictures of Michaela but quickly evolved into pictures of Michaela with members of her extended family (Nana, Debbie, Matt, etc) that we live with. Then after some thought and venturing into my thousands of pictures, I came across photos from our trip last Fall to Pennsylvania to visit with Mike’s family. I made sure that I took as many pictures as I could even though I wouldn’t call them fans of the camera. They put up with me and my camera and I am grateful for that. So, I was putting all of these pictures up and found myself inside the “Mike” file that was created after he died so my sister could use his images for a slide show for his funeral. Now, I am surrounded by pictures of Mike every day. My room has one on every wall. I am literally…surrounded. It doesn’t bother me to have them hanging here and in many ways it feels like he is watching over me – not just watching me. But these pictures I was looking at were stirring up a lot of old memories – our wedding, Michaela’s first Easter… a trip to K-Mart that included Mike taking a spin on the small merry-go-round that sat just outside the store’s doors. And my reaction to these photos was one of happiness. It was bitter-sweet to look at them again. But as I laid in bed last night waiting for sleep to come, I couldn’t help but cry. This wasn’t unique. I have spent many a night in the last 15 months crying myself to sleep. What I was feeling at that moment wasn’t grief. I wasn’t asking myself why did this happen? How could he leave us? What will I do now? I was simply missing him. I was missing his company. I was missing his smile…his sense of humor…his way of showing his love for me which could be a look or a touch or just his simple way of saying “I love you.”  I think that this is the hardest part of all of it. I can let go of the what-ifs and why did this happens because I will never know the answer to those questions. And does it matter? Will it change anything? No. But missing him will never go away. What does this have to do with Easter? A lot, folks. Mike loved Easter more than any other holiday. It often times meant we’d visit his family and although he loved that part of it, that wasn’t why he loved it so. Mike had a love and understanding for the Savior and he knew without a doubt that Easter was all about Him dying for us so that we would have eternal life. Mike had a testimony of that. And I am grateful that he shared that with me because I have that same knowledge too. I know that because of what took place this week some 2000+ years ago, I will get to see Mike again. His voice, his touch, the look in his eyes will be as real as it once was 16 months ago.Happy Easter… HE LIVES.

My niece Aubree called last night to let us all know that she has been called to serve in the Tampa, Florida spanish speaking mission. The family has been on pins and needles for weeks as Aubree has finalized her paperwork. The call actually came in record time – less than 2 weeks, I think. To her credit, she vowed to wait until her entire family was around when she opened the envelope. The envelope arrived Wednesday but with her Dad out of town, she held on to it and waited until he could be with her when the news was read. I, myself don’t know if I could have waited like she did. But I understand better now why she did. And I am sure my brother, her dad appreciates her willingness to allow him to be part of this part of her life. Jeff blogged about this experience and this morning I found myself feeling like I had been there in person, too.It’s funny how much I have pleaded in silent prayers to my Heavenly Father for confirmation about things, whether it be decisions I have to make or if something is right or wrong. These confirmations that I receive are subtle. And I have to be receptive to them in order to accept them as messages from the Lord. Often times, the answers I receive are not what I would expect. The past year I have had my doubts. I have found myself in dark places and amidst all the sadness I had often asked many questions. My burdens have been made easier to bear when I have received light and moments that have touched my heart. Such a moment was last night upon hearing this wonderful news but also this morning reading the thoughts of my big brother who is seeing his eldest daughter off on a wonderful adventure. As you get older, you can see things differently and although Aubree is sensing the magnitude of her decisions, she probably won’t know what this feels like for the rest of us who have watched her grow from a little girl to the beautiful young woman that she is now. She won’t know until she is either a parent of her own or until she sees her littlest of siblings make life changing decisions for themselves. The time will come. It’s bitter and sweet to see the time pass. I feel so old but wonderful all at the same time that these types of things come to pass to remind us how life is worth living and experiencing to its fullest. To my surprise, this morning the tears came but this time with happiness. I could just see in my mind Aubree’s face as she read the news – the look in the eyes of my brother and his wife as they witnessed their daughter’s moment – the wonder that must have beheld her younger brother and sisters as they realized that in a little over a month their big sister would get to set off on a life changing event. They won’t see her for 18 months and that’s a long time for little ones. But it will pass quickly for Aubree. I am so excited for her. I had to chuckle when in my brother’s posting, he noted the reaction of his youngest to Aubree’s news. Emma, his baby, is almost 7. In fact she’ll turn 7 a day or so before Aubree reports to the MTC. She’s 4 months older than Michaela. Her take on this was much different than Michaela. After the announcement was made, it was soon discovered that Emma had gone off to be alone to cry. This announcement is huge for Emma. Her big sister is leaving. She will be learning a different language and to Emma’s despair, she worried that when Aubree would come back, she’d only want to speak Spanish and how could she speak with her sister if she couldn’t understand her? Worst of all, she’d miss her big sister. It must have been difficult for Jeff and Sandy to see that. Michaela, on the other hand… I told her Aubree was going to Tampa, Florida and her reaction was “She’ll get to go on the Rockin’ Roller Coaster!!!” To a 6 year old, the comprehension of Florida’s size is no matter. Florida means Disney World and Aubree gets to go there. She’s so lucky. I had to laugh about this but in retrospect, it’s just another reminder that Michaela isn’t going to experience family life like her cousin who has 6 other siblings will. They’re so alike in many ways but their experiences are so different. What is harsh news for one, is benign news for the other. I can’t imagine not having brothers or sisters. I don’t think Michaela recognizes yet the difference her upbringing will be. Reading about Emma’s reaction flooded my mind with memories of when I said goodbye to her Dad when he left on his mission. I was probably about 11 years old but I remember the hug I gave him at the airport that day. I remember gripping him around the neck knowing that I wasn’t going to see my big brother for 2 years. Things would be so different when he got back. I was scared for where he was going. I was wondering if he’d miss me. I was wondering if I’d get to see him again. That was a long time ago but I remember those feelings so well. I know exactly what Emma is feeling. So, life is moving on… I just need to catch up to it.

Michaela has been attending a private school this year. And it’s made a huge difference for her reading and social skills – among other things. She has been exposed to the arts like no public school ever will expose her to. She tells me her favorite classes are art, dance, music, science and PE. She puts up with the other stuff like reading and math! I think if she had it her way, she’d only go to those 4 classes. It isn’t because her teacher isn’t great. She is. It just seems like Michaela shines when she’s in her element. Who doesn’t? The picture above was taken last fall. The class moms got everyone together at a local park after school one day. This picture turned out so good. Hard to believe it was taken on my phone! This is Michaela with her friends Isabella and Annabelle. Today was Reader’s Theater at Michaela’s school. The kids are given a short story and then each of the children is given a part to memorize and “act out”. It’s not really acted so much as recited. The school she attends is big on kids having the ability to speak and/or perform in front of people. They start them off young and will be given lots of opportunities to practice this skill throughout their career at the school. Michaela’s teacher mentioned to me that she was surprise at how well Michaela did with this and how she jumped in with both feet to participate. I wasn’t surprised given that I had put Michaela into an acting camp last year. I think if her teacher had known how well she’d do, she would have given Michaela a bigger part but Michaela didn’t really care. She doesn’t dwell on those things. But recite her part she did. And she did it very well. The whole class did. And her teacher proudly whispered to me as she left the auditorium, “I think our class was the best one!” No doubt…

Last night I found out that Mike’s nephew and his wife had their baby. It was via text message from Mike’s sister-in-law. It was almost an afterthought like “I guess you heard about the baby…” Um..No? What about the baby? Well, the next text message stated the baby was a boy and was born 11 days ago. He was named Michael Raymond. I cannot pinpoint my exact feelings about this because they are all over the place. My most immediate reaction was a sharp pain in my chest – the kind you get when you’re stunned about something. And when that wore off I cried. My daughter looked at me like I was a nut. My mother was trying to figure out what my problem was. And I was just trying to figure out what was going on in my head. My first thoughts were jealousy, to be perfectly honest. I should have been the one to first honor Mike in this way. Then I realized I was being a total nimnal because Mike’s own child is named after him. I’m such a bonehead. Then I felt envy because this was further proof that life was going on and that again, I am more of a bystander than a participant. My child bearing days, although not over, are drawing to a close and let’s get real…Unless by some divine miracle, I am not having any more babies. This was yet another stark reminder that the 2 children that I had always planned on having with Mike aren’t going to be. So, for a while last night, my two steps forward that I felt I had made recently became a giant leap backwards when I started to feel sorry for myself…again. ARGH! I gotta get a grip. And as I looked at the photos that were subsequently sent to my cell phone, I couldn’t help but feel how honored Mike would be to have a namesake. Mike was very close to his nephews. They are like brothers. And it makes total sense that one of them would remember him in this way and name his son after such a great uncle. So, my self-pity turned to pride. I was proud of Mike for being such an influence. His passing affected his nephews deeply. It was apparent to me when they came out here to help bury their uncle. He was loved very much. And now there is this beautiful baby boy that has his name. I can’t be angry with that. Nor can I be jealous or sad. Sure, I’ll reflect on what might have been but it can be much worse. Because what IS… is a legacy that Mike left behind that now resides in his daughter and the others he touched while he was here. So, welcome Baby Michael Raymond. Welcome to our family. I hope one day you’ll let me tell you some great and wonderful stories about your uncle.