My Name is Kris and I Blah-g

I know that Michaela misses her Daddy. She doesn’t really express much emotion about it and hasn’t really at all in the time that he’s been gone. I think we’ve only had two meltdowns. The first was when her hamster Henry died which was not too long after Daddy. Too much loss? I am not sure. I think part of it was because I wouldn’t get her a new hamster (sorry but as cute as Henry was, he was kinda gross and I got stuck cleaning his cage – not gonna go there again). The 2nd was on our trip to Florida earlier this year. Our last family vacation with Mike was to Disney World in September 2007. Believe it or not, there was a lot of foreshadowing prior to that trip and in hindsight I know I was being prepared. I felt strongly then that it would be our last vacation together. It pains me to admit that now. But the inclinations that I was having then were too strong for me to deny now. I just knew. We returned to Disney World this past March. And it was a big trip. I had traveled alone with Michaela before but they were small 1-2 day trips so it was pretty easy. But this was a full week in Florida and by about 4 days into it we were both feeling the strain and we fell apart in each other’s arms crying over how we missed Dad. I know I instigated it. I always do when it comes to him because like her father, Michaela tries to avoid anything sad. She’d just rather not go there. In fact the day of his funeral she put her foot down and told me that we were allowed to cry at the funeral but once it was over, NO MORE. She wanted to spend what time she had left with his family celebrating her Dad and having a party. She was and IS a very insightful child. We had the party per her request and it was just what everyone needed. Still….she didn’t cry at the funeral. She faced it with bravery and was stoic much like her Dad. I am so opposite…I just have to let it out. Sometimes I wish she would just because I know that for so long Mike bottled things up and it wasn’t good. And I’ll leave it at that…So, she doesn’t cry for her Dad. But there are times when she mentions him out of the blue – often in fact. She freely requests to visit him and she loves to talk about the funny things he used to do. It’s healthy for her and me to talk about it. Her Dad was a great guy and he loved her very much. I don’t ever want her to forget that. But time is flying by. It’s only been about 22 months yet Michaela is 7 now and so much “older” than she lets on. I think back to that little girl in the blue dress that touched her Daddy for the last time at the funeral and I can’t believe she’s the same little girl. She keeps much to herself although I try to get it out of her. He was the same way and it drove me nuts. I usually found out how he felt after the fact – usually in something he’d write on his Myspace page or in a card…today I found a little note that Michaela had written to her Dad on his Facebook Page which I still keep active. It said simply, “I love Daddy.”*sigh* How can you NOT get choked up when you see something like that?! I miss him too, Michaela. More and more every day…

It’s been a while (again!) since my last post. I just don’t have as much free time these days. I try and smoosh any little time I have into moments like these – very early morning before the sun even thinks of coming up and before I need to get Michaela out of bed so we can start our day. Tomorrow is Halloween. I’d like to say we were excited about it but with how crazy things have been it’s kind of been pushed to the back of our minds. I forget how close its gotten. Luckily this year’s costume is an easy one – princess…I know…SHOCKER! But this costume Michaela picked out herself and purchased with her free Disney gift card she received when we went to Disneyland on her birthday. Pictures will be posted this weekend…Other prep work includes our graveyard in the the front yard. It was snowed on this week so we have to unbury the skeleton and light up the green spot lights. I haven’t used them all month mainly because they get really hot and I don’t want to cause a fire! But I think I will turn them on starting tonight to see if we can burn off some of that snow! We’ll have the smoke machine again this year and for the first time we’ll use our front window to project a movie. We’ll see how that turns out. I mainly do this for our own enjoyment. We don’t get many trick or treaters which is probably a good thing. Michaela is into it though. Her cousins are for the 2nd year in a row doing a “tunnel of doom” and it’s turned her thoughts to what we could do to make our own tunnel of doom. What she doesn’t realize though is that if we did that, we’d have to stay home to work the tunnel…that means no trick or treating. So, I think we’ll hold off another couple of years. Although, she’s got some really wicked ideas. It was fun putting the graveyard up because every time we placed a tombstone or she’d stick a bone in the ground she’d let out a “Whoa-HAHAHAHA!” It was hilarious to hear her scary laugh and I have to admit that I was pleased that she’s as demented as I am and her father was. So, we’ll see how it goes! I imagine that it won’t be long before we hang back at home and create our own version of Disney’s Haunted Mansion. She even told me last night that we should contact Disney and ask to borrow their crystal ball with the scary lady inside. Yeah, like they’ll just GIVE me Madam Leotta! HA HA. Silly girl!!

I think it’s inevitable that as a Mom, I want to be COOL. I mean, who doesn’t? I guess there is a fine line between being your child’s friend and being MOM. You can only go so far in the friend department because well, friends don’t tell other friends what to do, where to go and they usually don’t issue punishments for bad behavior. So, being MOM can be a hard job. But that’s not what this post is about. I would say that I do pretty okay being a mom although I am the first to admit that I still have much to learn in the patience department. I am quickly learning that I suck at 2nd grade math. I apparently do it wrong.  I am not quite sure when 2nd grade math got so complicated or when it became politically incorrect to “borrow or carry the one” but that is a big no-no these days. Ugh. Don’t get me started. So I am not a math genius. I never have been. One thing I know that I am good at are trips to Disneyland. Yeah yeah…this blog is all about the Mouse House and I have certainly created a monster in my kid who not only shares my love of all things Disney but Rick Springfield, too. What can I say? Taste CAN be taught. A sense of humor is important. I would say that mine has gotten me out of some tough spots in my lifetime. I was always a chubby kid. I was teased consistently in school. But thanks to my ability to laugh I think I survived well. I don’t know if I would want to relive any of that but if I could knowing what I know now, I think I would have kicked a little more butt. But all that aside…I have my sense of humor to thank for getting me through childhood and most of all, for helping me through this past year and a half. Nothing about my life these almost 2 years now is FUNNY. But…. I still like to laugh. I yearn for laughter and most of all, I seek it out in my daughter. My biggest fear after Mike died was how losing her dad would affect my little girl. This kind of thing can do lots of damage and I just worry that she’ll one day look back on her childhood with regret that it was all taken from her at such an early age. I’m mom. I’m a pretty ok Mom. But I’m not super-Mom no matter how hard I try. I can’t be all things least of all a Dad. But I can try to keep male influences in my daughter’s life, keep her father’s memory alive and encourage that wicked sense of humor that she not only inherited from me but from her jokester father! Mike loved a good prank. I mean, he LOVED it. Somewhere there is a tape with recordings his nephews and him making prank phone calls. They are classic. I wish I could relay in words how funny they are but you just have to listen to them to appreciate the effort he went into making them. I hope I find that tape some day. There was the time that he and my brother spent an evening sending pizzas to one unsuspecting neighbor in our apartment complex – both of them hiding in the shadows of our bedroom staring out the window with glee as every 15 minutes a different pizza delivery guy tried in vain to deliver pizza to this poor woman. Now, I won’t encourage this type of behavior in Michaela but already at 7 she has an unrelenting evil streak in her. She’ll tickle you until you pee if she could. Her latest effort is the squirrel bomb. And yeah..I am to blame for this one. I squirrel bombed a picture of my parents from our cruise this past summer and then again, a picture of our family this fall. We just spent 3 days in California. Every time I pulled out the camera or we found ourselves on a ride at Disneyland that took pictures, I was asked, “can we put squirrel in the picture too?”So here you have it…the beginning of the Squirrel Bomb Gallery courtesy of my kid. I fear the joke may get old but to a 7 year old, this one will live on for a while and she thinks it’s funnier than anything! Enjoy…