So, she doesn’t cry for her Dad. But there are times when she mentions him out of the blue – often in fact. She freely requests to visit him and she loves to talk about the funny things he used to do. It’s healthy for her and me to talk about it. Her Dad was a great guy and he loved her very much. I don’t ever want her to forget that. But time is flying by. It’s only been about 22 months yet Michaela is 7 now and so much “older” than she lets on. I think back to that little girl in the blue dress that touched her Daddy for the last time at the funeral and I can’t believe she’s the same little girl. She keeps much to herself although I try to get it out of her. He was the same way and it drove me nuts. I usually found out how he felt after the fact – usually in something he’d write on his Myspace page or in a card…today I found a little note that Michaela had written to her Dad on his Facebook Page which I still keep active. It said simply, “I love Daddy.”

*sigh* How can you NOT get choked up when you see something like that?! I miss him too, Michaela. More and more every day…

Other prep work includes our graveyard in the the front yard. It was snowed on this week so we have to unbury the skeleton and light up the green spot lights. I haven’t used them all month mainly because they get really hot and I don’t want to cause a fire! But I think I will turn them on starting tonight to see if we can burn off some of that snow! We’ll have the smoke machine again this year and for the first time we’ll use our front window to project a movie. We’ll see how that turns out. I mainly do this for our own enjoyment. We don’t get many trick or treaters which is probably a good thing. Michaela is into it though. Her cousins are for the 2nd year in a row doing a “tunnel of doom” and it’s turned her thoughts to what we could do to make our own tunnel of doom. What she doesn’t realize though is that if we did that, we’d have to stay home to work the tunnel…that means no trick or treating. So, I think we’ll hold off another couple of years. Although, she’s got some really wicked ideas. It was fun putting the graveyard up because every time we placed a tombstone or she’d stick a bone in the ground she’d let out a “Whoa-HAHAHAHA!” It was hilarious to hear her scary laugh and I have to admit that I was pleased that she’s as demented as I am and her father was.

So, we’ll see how it goes! I imagine that it won’t be long before we hang back at home and create our own version of Disney’s Haunted Mansion. She even told me last night that we should contact Disney and ask to borrow their crystal ball with the scary lady inside. Yeah, like they’ll just GIVE me Madam Leotta! HA HA. Silly girl!!

A sense of humor is important. I would say that mine has gotten me out of some tough spots in my lifetime. I was always a chubby kid. I was teased consistently in school. But thanks to my ability to laugh I think I survived well. I don’t know if I would want to relive any of that but if I could knowing what I know now, I think I would have kicked a little more butt. But all that aside…I have my sense of humor to thank for getting me through childhood and most of all, for helping me through this past year and a half. Nothing about my life these almost 2 years now is FUNNY. But…. I still like to laugh. I yearn for laughter and most of all, I seek it out in my daughter. My biggest fear after Mike died was how losing her dad would affect my little girl. This kind of thing can do lots of damage and I just worry that she’ll one day look back on her childhood with regret that it was all taken from her at such an early age. I’m mom. I’m a pretty ok Mom. But I’m not super-Mom no matter how hard I try. I can’t be all things least of all a Dad. But I can try to keep male influences in my daughter’s life, keep her father’s memory alive and encourage that wicked sense of humor that she not only inherited from me but from her jokester father! Mike loved a good prank. I mean, he LOVED it. Somewhere there is a tape with recordings his nephews and him making prank phone calls. They are classic. I wish I could relay in words how funny they are but you just have to listen to them to appreciate the effort he went into making them. I hope I find that tape some day. There was the time that he and my brother spent an evening sending pizzas to one unsuspecting neighbor in our apartment complex – both of them hiding in the shadows of our bedroom staring out the window with glee as every 15 minutes a different pizza delivery guy tried in vain to deliver pizza to this poor woman. Now, I won’t encourage this type of behavior in Michaela but already at 7 she has an unrelenting evil streak in her. She’ll tickle you until you pee if she could. Her latest effort is the squirrel bomb. And yeah..I am to blame for this one. I squirrel bombed a picture of my parents from our cruise this past summer and then again, a picture of our family this fall. We just spent 3 days in California. Every time I pulled out the camera or we found ourselves on a ride at Disneyland that took pictures, I was asked, “can we put squirrel in the picture too?”

So here you have it…the beginning of the Squirrel Bomb Gallery courtesy of my kid. I fear the joke may get old but to a 7 year old, this one will live on for a while and she thinks it’s funnier than anything! Enjoy…

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I woke up this morning to learn about the news that the Nobel committee had awarded President Obama the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize. This has weighed on my mind most of the morning as I thought about how this could have come to be, who nominated him, what the people of Israel and places like Georgia (the Georgia in Europe, people) think of this and mostly, what a farce this “prize” has become. Nominations for each year’s prize are due in February. Obama took office in the last 10 days of January. His nomination came a mere two weeks after he was in office. To be considered, one would think that they would have to reflect on the previous year’s and beyond work of the individual. So to award Obama this prize is laughable. He’s done nothing to merit such an “honor”. So what can one gleam from this other than the people who gave him this thing are either (1) a bunch of kooks, (2) easily bought, (3) easily manipulated or (4) all of the above. So I reflect on the past 9 months because the president of the Nobel committee is weakly explaining their decision as one based on Obama – the president, not the man or junior senator that he was before he took office. This and of itself should nullify his consideration because he hardly garnered any world peace in 9 months let alone the measly 2 weeks he was president before nominations were due. The Nobel committee president  champions Obama’s diplomacy efforts and how he has brought hope to the world. Um, yeah.. did he base this on a CNN/MSNBC poll of 475 people,  52% of which are democrat, 19% republican and the rest independent? Spare me.

In all the amazement and disgust that I have experienced in these early morning hours, I have come to the conclusion that this will do one of two things. The first is that this will be used to try to bolster Obama’s credibility. And two, if the other side is smart, it will be used to expose the insignificance the Nobel Peace Prize has become. Obama received it after having done NOTHING. I take that back. He’s vowed to shut down some of the defenses that have been put in place by other administrations that have kept our country and our allies safe. In doing so, he has pretty much bent over his desk the American people and the good people in Israel and parts of Europe who have come to rely on these defenses. He has pretty much given those who seek us harm an opportunity to strike and a message that their terroristic tactics have worked. He’s taken back his promise of bolstering up Afghanistan and is now hemming and hawing about whether or not we should send in more troops to support the ones that are already there. Yeah. Great commander in chief.

Domestically he’s proven what a dictator he intends on becoming. He will pass a healthcare bill with his majority in the House and Senate despite large opposition by most of America. His bill will FORCE us to pick coverage and if we don’t, they’ll tax us…HEAVILY. His bill will strip down Medicare so drastically that the people who come to rely on it won’t have to worry about selective euthanasia that the left supports so well, they’ll die off before they can even be treated because their coverage won’t help them.  Worse yet? The health care bill? None of us will be allowed to read it before it’s voted on and passed… think about that.

Other crap….His intention of cap and trade will destroy small business which employs the majority of Americans. His promise of unemployment not rising above 9% was a total lie…it’s now about 10% and getting worse. We have states like California in the midst of utter failure because liberal agendas have driven them to do unspeakable harm to their constituents. Farmers can’t grow their crops because the water has been shut off to save a small fish. Banks have been taken over by government, their accounts frozen, their customers pawned off on larger, government owned banks and forced to adhere to their new rules. Customers (me!) have had their mortgage payoffs LOST, are being intimidated by the banks for non-payment of a mortgage for a house they no longer own and live in daily fear over how it will destroy their credit for the years to come. So, don’t ask me if Obama’s policies have come to harm me because they have. And it’s just the beginning. There is nothing peaceful in his intent for the American People.

I would love to have the skill of a great photographer. I am just not sure I have the patience to sit in a class although I fear that one would do me some good. I’d rather just get out there and take pictures. I am fortunate. I have a really really great camera and it makes up for what I lack in know-how. I will say though that if I can compose a shot well and get in focus, I can do wonders with it in Photoshop and having done so, I realize that many of today’s photographers probably do just that. I suppose if I were to look at their raw, untouched photos, I would find many an unspectacular image as what I see in most of mine. However, I am going to keep at this. I don’t think it will ever be a money maker for me but I think I can surely come up with some shots worthy of hanging on my wall.

Dear Mike,

I’ve thought about what I would say to you if I could see you again. I have considered writing you a letter which is kind of weird because where would I mail it? You’ve been gone now nearly 21 months. That in and of itself is hard to believe. Today I recognize a 2nd wedding anniversary without you. And I’m doing ok. I can be all poetic about the irony of celebrating a wedding anniversary without a spouse or I can lash out in anger in the injustice of how I lost you. But today I feel peace which is something I haven’t felt for a very long time. Perhaps I am coming to grips with my new life. Perhaps I have learned to accept it. Or simply…I have learned to live with it. They call it “finding a new normal” but I don’t see anything normal about it all. How can a person understand the depths of my sorrow unless they’ve walked in my shoes? How can I explain that I not only mourn YOU, the person but I also mourn the loss of my life’s goals, my identity of who I once was, the companionship I used to have and that love…the love I saw like when I looked into your eyes 12 years ago today and vowed to love you forever. It is a mighty black fog to wander in. You can’t see to take a step forward let alone a hand in front of your face. Grief is blinding. But in the midst of that darkness is hope. I can honestly say that now. Sure I will have days when I can fall back into a funk and feel sorry for myself but something has happened that gives me something to hold on to during those moments.

A couple weeks ago I was driving alone in my car. And I was letting my mind wander which is something I oft do. There are really only two places where I can really feel alone with my thoughts. One place is the bathroom and yeah, I think about you a lot in there because it was your favorite room of the house. And the other is my car. I talk to you a lot there. And I cry a lot there – or..at least, I used to. Not so much any more which is good because it’s hard to drive when you’re crying. But I digress…not too long ago I was driving and like many times before, you were on my mind. And I wasn’t thinking anything in particular…just that I missed you and wished you were here. And then I felt it. Love. IMMENSE LOVE. It was just like that day 12 years ago today. It felt like this:

I remember this moment 12 years ago today. I remember giving you that smile. Your face was flushed with happiness, nervousness and mostly relief because by this point the hard part of that day was over and we were ready to start our lives together. I remember the look in your eyes. I remember how your hands were shaking when I held them. I remember how you didn’t want to ride that tractor but I made you do it.

That’s love, baby. And in the middle of the freeway, doing 70 mph and not thinking anything in particular, that feeling enveloped me. 21 months…. it took you long enough! But I am grateful anyway. You managed to find a way to let me know. Thank you for the early Anniversary Gift…now if you can send a little more of that my way today, that’d be great.

Happy 12th Anniversary, hon…

Love your eternal partner,

Kris