My Name is Kris and I Blah-g

I. AM. AN. EMOTIONAL. EATER.I am sitting here scarfing an apple crumb muffin from Costco. Yes one of those huge ones. I just finished off a cheese quesadilla. I feel a surge of guilt swelling in the pit of my stomach and I. DON’T. CARE. I don’t care because I just came from touring a rehab facility that will become my mother’s home for the next couple of weeks. It was old. It smelled funny. The old people in it could barely move. Their emotionless faces stared back at me as I stood there thinking that I could not let my mother live there.  Yet she must if she is to get better. Sure there are more “resort like” places we could send her to but then she’ll be ignored there as what the reviews and ratings are saying. This place that she will go to comes highly rated despite appearances. And it is quickly becoming a bitter pill to swallow.Last week Mom lost function of the left side of her body. Unable to get herself to the bathroom, let alone move, there was no other choice than to call 911 to help get her to the hospital. For the past week she has battled Lactic Acidosis, a urinary tract infection, a kidney infection and some other unnamed infection that she picked up from the hospital. Massive doses of antibiotics, several blood transfusions and scores of pills later, internally her numbers are under control and she is getting back to health. Yet her left side remains weak – crippled by arthritis and gout. Her pain is substantial. She cries out whenever anyone tries to move her. She wants to come home. I want her to come home. We all do. But she can’t. Not like this.The prognosis is that the vertebrae in her cervical spine has deteriorated to the point that it’s compromised her spinal cord. Left untreated she could face a future of paralysis. Surgery scares her. It scares me. But it’s the only way she can find relief. But she can’t have it until she’s stronger. And she can’t get stronger until she has it. What is she to do? In addition to these decisions that she faces, she is feeling a sense of rejection. Her only source of healthcare is Medicare. Medicare has strict rules and according to hospital administrators she has overstayed her welcome. She must leave, they tell her. She can’t stay there. Yesterday she was moved from the 1st floor to the 3rd floor – a not so subtle way of saying, if you don’t get out, we’ll neglect you until you leave. The difference in attention she has received in the past 16 hours is palpable. So we are working hard to get her out as soon as possible.The next stop isn’t much better. We anticipate her spirits lowering further when she gets an eyeful of these new digs. We’ll do all we can to make sure she keeps motivated to get out. She must. We want her there even less than she’ll want to be there. I guess that I may as well get used to the place myself. I plan on spending lots of time there – I may even move in. Just so she knows that she’s not in this alone.In the meantime, the diet is shot to hell. I’ve gained 2 lbs this week. This bloody muffin is tastin’ pretty good….

I am having one of those days this week… LOL. Why is that? I just can be going along minding my own business and I just start to THINK. And believe me, I don’t mind thinking about Mike – at ALL. But I want to think about the HAPPY stuff – and there is PLENTY of that. I don’t want to spend my nights dreaming about him if it means that I have to wake up in the morning feeling like I felt a little over 2 years ago when things seemed helpless and I didn’t know what to do. These seeds of doubt keep getting planted and I feel like I am constantly weeding out my brain. SO annoying.So, what do I do? I have been taking solace in my work outs believe it or not. It’s become a sanctuary of sorts for me to zone out. When I go, I use the stationary bikes that sit in front of a big window. The window faces east towards the mountain. The gym is literally located a couple blocks west of the cemetery that Mike rests in. So as I peddle away, I am staring up at that mountain he lays at the foot of. Directly outside the window is a stop sign. It’s become a symbol of those seeds of doubt. Sometimes it’s pretty hard to get motivated to go each morning or if I get started on the bike, that 45 minutes I am on it seem SO long. That stop sign just glares back at me. But behind it stands that mountain that towers over Mike’s grave. It’s these weird thoughts that I battle on a daily basis! It’s frustrating and exhausting!Amidst all of this, I listen to my iPod. It’s no secret that I have been on this Danny Gokey kick for a while (gee, wonder why?). But get past that for a moment and understand that as I listen to the songs on his album, I understand completely WHY the songs are on there and why he calls this first album of his an anthem for his life right now. It’s become mine as well.So, as I stare down that stop sign each morning, this is the song I listen to. Whatever it takes to keep pushing forward, ya know?I Still Believe [audio:istillbelieve.mp3]I’ve been looking for a lightAt the end of this tunnelI’ve been searching for a signTo lead me homeToo many endless nightsOf sorrowBut on the other side of thisI know that my heart will liveI never saw a man that walked on the waterI never met a man that walked on the waterBut I still believeI don’t really know what tomorrow will bringBut I’m open to all possibilities’Cause I still believeAnd the more I live my lifeThe lesser I questionAll the things I just can’t seeRight in front of my eyesSo I take that leap of faithAnd learn a few lessonsTime showed me thatWhat you give is what you getI never saw a man that walked on the waterI never met a man that walked on the waterBut I still believeI don’t know the answer to my prayerBut I keep kneeling down like somebody is there’Cause I still believe(Now, listen)Well, I guess I could give up’Cause there are days I wanna run awayFrom everythingBut what good would that do for me’Cause I, I, I still believeI never saw a man that walked on the waterI never met a man that walked on the waterBut I still believeI never saw a man that walked on the waterI never met a man that walked on the waterBut I still believeI don’t really know what tomorrow will bringBut I’m open to all possibilities’Cause I still believeI never saw a man, never saw a man, never saw a man,Who walked on the waterI never saw a man, never saw a man, never saw a man,But I, but I, but I believeBut I, but I, but I believeBut I, but I, but I believe

I am a gluton for punishment! Perhaps it was Mother’s Day yesterday. Maybe it was the Danny Gokey concert last week. I dunno. I think about Mike daily and usually it’s just remembering his face. Or the look in his eye….or something. It’s usually not “painful”…at least it’s not anymore. Those days during the first year? Yeah. That was tough.

Today was a little different.

Recently, I discovered that my huge data storage drive was failing. For the past week I have been trying to recover precious files – basically pictures from Michaela’s birth to about January 2009 – anything that was on Mike’s computer, all of his music, his writings, everything…our tax returns. You name it. It was on this storage drive and last week I couldn’t access it. I took it to a local place and they were unable to recover anything. Finally I caved in and sent the drive to a data recovery place and today learned that IF they can do a full recovery, it will cost me $2400. The drive is in apparently pretty bad shape so today I have been dealing with these feelings that were spilling over from the weekend of just missing Mike to despair in wondering if I was losing some precious memories because I was too stupid to not back it up with redundant drives.

It begs the question…how do you put a price on your memories? As choked up about the cost I will incur in trying to salvage anything from this, I was frantically searching today for any pictures that could have been on that drive but I miraculously found elsewhere. I am happy to say that I did find some. And when I did, I was compelled to put them together in a video. The video below is a tough watch. It features the song “I Will Not Say Goodbye” by Danny Gokey – a song that he introduced the other night as the song that was written for his late wife, Sophia. This is the song that I asked him about.

Click images to enlarge

The other night Michaela and I went to see a concert. It was Sugarland/Julianne Hough/@dannygokey. Ordinarily, I wouldn’t shell out the money for this because it costs a lot of money but Michaela and I liked @dannygokey on American Idol last year and although she had an brief opportunity to have her picture taken with him when the tour made its stop in town last year, it wasn’t much of a visit. This year we had a chance to go check out his show and meet him in person. It was on Mommy/Daughter date night and later she told me it was the best date yet!

The meeting with @dannygokey was short and sweet. We had a moment to speak and I told him that there were lots of “us” (widows) who have a vested interest in him doing well. That piqued his interest and he asked why. I told him that I had lost my husband not long before he had lost his wife. I understood how doing what he did was very difficult. Let’s face it, when something like that happens you just don’t know how or if you will be able to go on living let alone pick up any of the pieces and try to realize any of the dreams you had prior to your life as you knew it stopping. Anyway, I said to him that I didn’t know how he could sing some of the songs he has on his album. They sound pretty to most people but to those who have lived through this sort of thing, the lyrics cut to the core. I still don’t know how he does it but for some reason, he told me, singing the songs and what they’re saying don’t effect him up on stage. Amazing. Try for a moment to imagine the love of your life dying and then listen to this song:[audio:iwillnotsaygoodbye.mp3]Do you think you would sing it in front of thousands of people?So, after all of this, Danny says to me “Gimme a hug.” It was quick. I was stunned. But then I got to thinking…. I haven’t hugged a man that wasn’t my father, a brother, an uncle, an in-law, etc since I lost Mike. They call it widow brain…usually it’s the forgetfulness that plagues you but you also get a case of strange thoughts, too. It’s been 2 years and Danny was the first hug? Well, sheesh!I thought some more….Some people have what is called a Bucket List. It’s a list of things to do or places to see before they die. Silly & weird me started to think, who would be on my Hug Kris Bucket List? I mean it could be anyone right and I can already mark @dannygokey off the list (although if he wants to do it again, heck if I would stop him)! So I figured what the heck…I am going to start a Hug Kris Bucket List and who knows? Maybe one day I can start crossing names off. Who’s next?Updated!! Hug Kris Bucket List:

1. Rick Springfield (Surprise! July in Denver, Rick. Be there.)
2. Hugh Jackman
3. Jeffrey Dean Morgan
4. Gerard Butler
5. Robert Downy Jr (have you seen Iron Man 2? Oh. My. Gosh.)
6. Johnny Depp
7. Antonio Banderas
8. Brad Pitt (please shave first, Brad! LOL!)
9. Harrison Ford
10. Dominic Zamprogna
11. Danny Gokey (again, @dannygokey?)
12. Patrick Dempsey
13. Eric Dane
14. Kevin McKidd (hey, it’ll be a Grey’s Anatomy hugfest!)

Who am I forgetting? Who would be on YOUR Hug Bucket List?

FINALLY!!! Seriously, folks I was thinking I was going to go ballistic if I didn’t hit this number. I surpassed it by about .2lbs but I am just going to call it an even 35 for now because as we all know and as my rantings can attest, the scale has a mind of its own! Who knows what it will say tomorrow!? But for today it said A LOT and to see that number dip just below a certain point had the semblance of sweet victory for me. And it’s just what I need to keep the momentum going and try to double my results.This week hasn’t been that great in the work out dept. I injured my upper left leg the other night. I wish I could say it was from something really cool like kicking @$$ on the dodgeball court last Saturday (which for an old gal, I guess I did) but that wasn’t it. The great injury occurred when I (wait for it…..), went to kneel on the ground so I could put together a shelf for my sister. Yup. All I did was try to get on the ground. Instead I felt a pop and I yelped with pain. It’s sore but I don’t think it’s lasting. The ol’ time o’ the month reared her ugly head (FINALLY!) the other day and then couple that with the pulled muscle, I called it a day on exercise yesterday and today. I kinda feel guilty about that. Funny how that is. But the good news is that I am chaperoning a field trip with 2nd graders today and we’re doing some walking so I will not feel THAT guilty! I’ll get my exercise in somehow and then get back on the wagon tomorrow.Real quick…dodgeball. I played for two hours last Saturday and I reaped the rewards of sore muscles for THREE DAYS afterwards. I could move and all but woo! It hurt to do so. I hadn’t played it since I was in 6th grade and man, they play it differently these days. SIX BALLS! And they are coming at you from all directions. It can get pretty violent and I must say it is an excellent way to relieve some of that pent up aggression. Who knew I had any? I would LOVE to play again this Saturday but I have a pressing family engagement that I must attend. BUT… I will be back next week. You can bank on that. Hopefully the soreness won’t happen this time!

Blogs have been few and far between lately. Not much to say, I guess. I’m watching Idol live tonight so I figured I would react to the performances as they happen. First, I am excited to see Harry Connick Jr. on the show! I think he’s super talented and he seems to be pretty stoked about helping the remaining contestants out.First up is Aaron who sings Sinatra’s Fly Me to the Moon. I actually think this is one of Aaron’s better vocals. I still don’t think he’s strong enough to win this. His voice just doesn’t seem all there. He tends to go flat periodically no matter what genre of music he’s singing. That being said, he did well. The thing is that he’s got 4 others that are super strong in the vocals AND delivery dept and that’s what he’s got to worry about.Casey is up next with Blue Skies… NO GUITAR! And he is looking a little uncomfortable which is kinda good but then again, his voice is sorta shaky. Maybe he needs to turn around so we can see his tight pants… LOL. Sorry. Well, he’s in trouble tonight. Boo! Eek! Kara said he sounded like a lamb… HA HA! I agree. That wasn’t good. Quick, Casey! Take off your shirt! Desperate times, dude…he just bought Aaron a prayer.Crystal sings Summer Wind… Eew. Huge tattoo on her back. Blech. But I digress – it’s about the singing which is good. Her voice is as always, strong and beautiful but the song?? Hmmm… kind of boring. She’ll be ok though.Michael is next with The Way You Look Tonight… LOVE this song and this genre works so well for Michael. He’s wearing the Sinatra hat… hmmm. Well, vocally this was good. I wouldn’t say that I liked his version better than any others I have heard of this song. I don’t. BUT, his was the best and most Sinatra-esque so far tonight.Lee closes the show with That’s Life… LOL…Harry is playing a “Napoleon Dynamite organ” (if you saw the movie, then you know what I mean)…that’s distracting. BUT…Lee is super cool with this performance and he’s certainly gonna be in the top 2. He slayed this and it was great.Oh my gosh…Harry Connick is so funny. He should replace Simon when he leaves.Who’s going home?? It pains me to say it but I think it’s Casey…