My Name is Kris and I Blah-g

I found my waist today. And it’s not where I thought it was…So, I am not faithful in measuring my body parts. Frankly, it’s depressing. And when I did measure them in the beginning, I only measured one part – my waist. I was determined to one day have my pants fall down while I was walking. I know! I’m weird. Anyway, the books and articles all say that when you measure your waist, you measure the “smallest” part which is usually about 2 inches or so above your belly button. Well, for me, my “smallest” part was the area around my belly button. I figured, hey…I’ve been pregnant, let things go after birthing the baby, my belly button just is a little further south than it used to be. This must be my waist.This morning after my shower I was shocked to discover that my “smallest” part was no longer the circumference around my belly button area. I was alarmed to see that where once sat a set of four spare tires, I had what is appearing to be an hour glass shape. *Gasp* THAT’S my waist? Eek! Well, yeah…I’m NOT publishing any numbers…my spare tires are shifting (I think two are now around my hips and part of another is taking refuge in my triceps). I am seeing progress and those pants that fall down? Nearly there folks… I have at least one pair that are super close to causing me a fit of public embarrassment if I continue to wear them to the mall for my morning walks.

If you heard something strange this morning, that was just me stepping on the scale and shouting for joy. Now, ordinarily the number staring back at me wouldn’t be something to shout for joy about. In fact, after today, it’s now my most hated number. HA HA…but at this moment, it’s time to celebrate as today I officially hit 25lbs on the weight loss scale. I was hoping that it’d be this week and it was! Yay!Another thing that is new for me is that clothes are starting to fit weirdly on me. I spent a frustrating morning trying to get ready for church finding that most of the tops that I was putting on were now too big. This is great news on many levels but on others I got me started on facing my biggest fear – having Ethopian boobs by the time this is over with. Egads..the lot of that just deflates me any way but knowing that my built in life preservers may shrink to raisins is just not what I was banking for. As I keep on with this diet of mine, I keep picturing myself as that weird water balloon thing that they sell in novelty stores…you can squeeze it and it just flies from your hands….well, with me I feel like I am being squeezed from my ears and my ankles and all that STUFF that made me ME, is all gathering at my waist line. It’s difficult to put into words but the essence is that it feels like the weight is shifting and it’s all going to the middle. Push me over and I think I’d actually roll in a straight line now. Ugh. Ok….but seriously, 25 pounds is a good milestone. It’s proves that I can do this. It’s taken 2 months and I think that isn’t too shabby. And it’s got me thinking….if I can lose the first 25 in 2 months, can I lose the next in another two? That means that by the latter part of May I could be staring down a 50 pound weight loss and wouldn’t THAT be something? It would!So I bemoaned the fact that my clothes are fitting weird to my Dad. And he says, “Let’s go buy you some new clothes!” And I’m thinking HECK NO!!! I may look a little weird for the next few months because I may have to rig my clothes to some safety pins and twine but I am NOT buying new clothes until I can get rid of all the fat ones first.Anyway…let today just go on record. 25 pounds, people!

So, it’s been a while since I had written anything about my weight loss endeavor. In some ways it’s been a long 2 months because the weight doesn’t come off as fast as one would like. But it really does take a while to burn off this chubbiness! But the good thing is that I am seeing results so it is keeping me motivated to keep on going. I marvel at how I may look in another 6 months. The idea that I could end up in jeans smaller than I have ever worn as an adult is mind boggling. I find myself checking out the clothes at the mall in the skinny people stores and think that I may actually get to shop in one of them some day. That’s kinda cool. I am thinking that will be my reward should I ever fit into skinny jeans. I may actually buy them – full price, mind you – at a store that caters to skinny people. Where am I in this journey of mine? Well, I haven’t even made it to the half way mark but I can see it. It’s out there on the horizon. My ticker on the side of this site doesn’t reflect it accurately because it’s been acting up, but I am now down 23 pounds with the big 25 staring me right in the face. The way it’s been going this past week, if I am fortunate to see it, I could be announcing the 25lb weight loss in a matter of days. One thing I will say however is that I am now below my pre-pregnancy weight which is pretty exciting. It’s not that much lower but enough to put a smile on my face when I have to sit in front of yet another salad at lunch time. Actually, the salads aren’t that bad. I don’t mind them so much, especially the ones with berries and chicken in them. I am thankful that I can sit down at dinner and eat semi-normally otherwise I don’t see this new way of eating sticking around. What I am saying is that I don’t feel “deprived”. Yeah there are times like last night when I really wanted a sweet treat but I just couldn’t figure out what to have. I flitted back and forth from a Creamie to a banana to a cookie and finally decided that it was just time to go to bed and forget about the treat. I wasn’t going to DIE if I didn’t have it. I had pretty much reached my calorie goal for the day and I didn’t NEED it. Yeah! Seriously! Another WHOA moment for me. Who is this girl?So, how is the exercise going? It would be fantastic if my legs and feet would cooperate. My last saga were infuriating leg cramps and a quest to find the perfect shoe. I ended up getting some Nike running shoes and I ended up walking all over Washington DC 2 weeks ago in them. They held up great. My feet felt great and my legs even better. We were walking at least 5 miles a day and one day clocked 9 miles. So the shoes and my legs/feet were getting a work out! But then a couple days ago I started to get heel pain in my left foot. WHAT THE HECK!? SO annoying. So it’s been a battle the past few days with me telling my 38 year old body that although it’s not 22 any more, it IS 23 pounds lighter and I am doing it a favor by taking the weight off. The least it could do is stop hurting so I can reach my goal. It’s not listening to me though. This morning as soon as my foot hit the floor there was pain. Actually I knew the pain was coming because laying in bed there was a slow throb reminding me that I was about to give my left foot the middle finger. Thankfully though, with a little Naproxen and some stretching and of course, putting in that 2 miles this morning, the heel is irritated but not throbbing. I’ll survive.There you have it. That’s the latest. Dad tells me that he’s seeing a big difference. I see it in the numbers on the scale but not quite with my clothes – well maybe a little in the shirts. But I’m still looking forward to the day that I need to hold on to my belt loops when I walk to keep them from falling to my ankles!

I’m 5 weeks into this whole diet and exercise thing. And despite what I say here, I am still quite motivated. The problem is that I am finding it harder and harder now than I did in the beginning. What is up with THAT? I am now on my 3rd pair of shoes for my daily walks. I first tried the Skecher Shape Ups which are surprisingly comfortable if a bit weird to get used to. But I was starting to experience serious cramps in my right leg at about 4 weeks. I thought it could be the shoes so I thought maybe I would try my old regular Skechers. BIG mistake. I ended up calling it a day after only 4.5 laps and had to leave the mall barefoot. My feet were leaning out wards and the pain in my right leg shifted to my left and it was all I could do to get out of the mall. To be honest the only thing that relieved the pain was running and I did a LOT of it that day…the thing is…have you ever seen a hippo run? It’s fast and it’s anything but pretty. So, I went home and for about an hour and half I Googled. I read. I researched. And I discovered that my problem is high arches with underpronation – meaning I tend to favor the outside of my foot. After close examination of my old Skechers that I was wearing that day, sure enough the tread was totally warn on the outside edge. So, what shoe would work?I don’t have a bottomless pit of money. And exercise shoes are expensive – many over $100 a pair. I didn’t want to spend that. Besides I had already plunked down that much for the Shape Ups. So, I narrowed it down to a few kinds of shoes and took off for the shoe store armed with several key words to look for in the description of the shoes. I tried on about 6 different pair and narrowed it down to 2 brands – Nike and New Balance. I tried each pair on 3 times! I even had one brand on one foot while I had to there a different brand on the other. They both felt the same. I honestly could not choose. So when in doubt with shoes, I go for the cutest. The New Balance were NOT cute. At least the Nike had some pink in them. So I ventured home with my $50 shoes and yesterday was my first day trying them out. Did my feet lean out? NO. But I was already gun shy and already injured from the previous day. The cramps returned but I grit through them anyway and finished my 2 miles. Luckily the cramps subsided by the last 2 laps but the frustration had already set in. I had spent the past month walking super fast with little to no pain. I was happy with my progress and yet, here I am getting lapped by the geriatrics that also cruise the mall in the wee hours of the morning.This morning, I thought I would take a little bit of extra time stretching and at my sister’s urging I took a Naproxen. Same deal. About 2.5 laps my sister took off in a quick walk and soon was out of my site. It was a struggle to keep going. My legs felt like lead and the thoughts in my mind kept telling me to just throw in the towel. I must have told those thoughts to stick it because I kept going and by the time I ran up the stairs after my 4th lap to complete the last two, I had had enough. I took off running again and managed to catch up with my sister who was a good lap and half ahead of me. Running, yet again, took the cramps away but I felt like my lungs would burst. What is the deal?!So, do I keep on with these new shoes or go back to the Shape Ups? I am not sure. I think I may try out the Shape Ups again tomorrow. If I have to have pain in my leg I would rather it be in my right leg which was the reason for the shoe switch in the first place. Since I changed shoes, my right leg is totally fine. Figures. Pain in my left is debilitating. So frustrating…but I won’t give up.On a side note… I weighed myself this morning and was pleased to see it was .6 lb lower. YAY! So, I downed half of bottle of water and jumped in the shower. While I was in there I thought maybe I should weigh myself again when I get out but this time use my personal setting on the scale so I could record the loss (I didn’t use it as I was just checking for curiosity’s sake before). So I got out, dried off, pulled up my profile on the scale and stepped on. In the 10 minutes since I last weighed myself, I was back up .8lb! WTH!?!! So did drinking 8oz of water really make that happen? I wanted to take that scale and smash it to pieces after that.

is apparently located in my mid-section. The weight isn’t falling off but it’s moving. I think my ears are probably shrinking… maybe my pinky finger. I feel like a balloon. If you squeeze my head, I think my butt will explode… ok that is a visual and a metaphor that I could have left unsaid but still…EEK! So, how is the diet going?? Well… I dunno. I really need to stop weighing myself daily. My sister bought a new scale. It measures in tenths of a pound which can be good and bad. It can be good because you can see tiny progress here and there and it can be bad because those little boogers can move up and down and all over the place. ARGH!I kinda wish I had been meticulous with the record keeping since the beginning. I declared my diet on January 5th but didn’t really start in earnest until at least 10-14 days later when I started my daily exercise. The competitor in me is wanting to try to pass my sister up…but she’s at an advantage. She was at least 15 pounds lighter than me to start with. Don’t get me wrong, I want her to succeed because it will keep her motivated and in turn, that will keep me motivated. Maybe competing is a good thing? Regardless, I shouldn’t poo-poo (I love to use that term) my progress. I am about 18 pounds lighter than when I started a little over a month ago. That’s nothing to sneeze at. I should be happy about that. But then again, patience is NOT one of my virtues. It’s not one of my sister’s either. She and I bemoaned the fact that it’s taking a long time. It’s not really. If you think about it, it’s not like we spend our day working out like they do on the Biggest Loser. If what I am reading is correct, then my reduced caloric intake alone should help me drop the weight. But then I get that visual of me being a balloon again and with a butt as wide as Texas. Not gonna go there. It’s bad enough that it’s as wide as Kansas as it is!So, here I am… the weight is shifting. My pants still are the same size  yet I can find my feet again. TRIUMPH! I do have motivating factors now. I have a party to prepare for this summer and next Spring a wedding to participate in. My dad says he can see a difference. That’s good. But he’s dad. Let’s just say that when I finally get to stand face to face with Mike again, I want him to say “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?” I would love that. Have I mentioned lately (I am going to blather on, folks….it’s Saturday night and I am desperately B.O.R.E.D.), that I have been experiencing leg cramps while I walk? I am not sure why that is. It’s been a month and you’d think I was used to it by now. But to be honest, here I am more sore now than I was 3 weeks ago. I thought maybe it’s because I am not stretching before I walk. So I made sure today to stretch out my legs – in particular, the calf muscles and then like a fool, started jumping up and down. Hey, I see football players do it…figured I’d give it a try. I thought maybe it worked but again, my right leg stiffened right up about mid-way through my walk. It’s quite painful. I am wondering if perhaps I am walking differently now and my shoes could be causing me issues. I love new shoes…but they cost moola of which I shouldn’t spend on just anything. I do have future trips to Disneyland to think of, you know. So, anyway…the legs hurt now. I run the stairs anyway and work out the kinks and when I really need the motivation, I try to picture Mike standing there in front of me. And before I know it, I am walking taller and faster. Whatever works, ya know?

Will power. Stamina. Energy. Guts. Determination. All of these things are needed when you embark on the journey to lose weight. I have none of them save one that is not listed – desperation. I have never been a small girl. My parents dispute this because in their eyes I will always be 6 and that was the last time that I can remember ever fitting into clothes that were the appropriate size for my age. I have steadily gotten bigger as I have gotten older. I don’t think I have ever really LOST weight – ever. Unless, of course you count bouts with the flu as a weight loss method.My decision to attempt the impossible (at least to me it is) hasn’t come lightly or quickly. I, like so many people at this time of year look upon it as a challenge which usually crash and burns by the end of the first day of the year. I have decided that my new years for ever more will start on January 5th. I just don’t know if I could endure those depressing first 4 days of the year without chocolate. So I am going to go easy on myself – at least for now. I’m also realistic. How long can I last living on bananas? So far, 2 meals… I’m on my way.I don’t own a bathroom scale. I threw it out with a bunch of other garbage that I dumped last year. When Mike died there was an urgency to clean things out – remove the old… just start out with virtually nothing. I don’t know why. I am not sure why my instinct was to push it all away. But I kept very few things that were ours and used the excuse of moving out of my home and having no place to store my stuff. I kept the important things, of course. But the bathroom scale? It was outta there. Mike bought that scale when he had his weight loss surgery. It was a surgery that I was totally against him having but he was his own man. He made his own decisions and he was stubborn about this one. I didn’t see surgical methods as a good and natural way to lose weight. And after witnessing what it did to him, I know that I am right. There is a reason why our stomachs are the way they are. There is a reason why we don’t drink from thimble-sized cups and call it a meal. There is a reason why there is more to weight loss than forcibly making your stomach smaller. It’s mental and it’s physical. Both of which he was unprepared for. I grew to hate that bathroom scale of his as I saw him shrink away. Sure, size wise he ended up being what he wanted to be. But he never had the strength and stamina that he promised me the surgery would give him. He never had the willpower to resist sweets. Instead he’d continue to eat them until his small stomach couldn’t take it any more and he’d end up sick in the bathroom – sometimes requiring me to come home from the middle of the day at work to attend to his problem. I saw his struggle day in and day out and I vowed that I would never go to the lengths that he did to lose weight. I’d be fat but I’d be happy. He was no longer fat and he was certainly NOT happy. That scale was a reminder of all that so I threw it out with out a second thought. But now here I am. I know that, for myself I need to do this. I asked Mike once if he’d help me. I asked him if he’d be my work out and diet partner and help me keep on track. It would mean we’d have to limit our sweets in the house and that he’d have to be there to help keep me motivated. And I’ll never forget what he said. He told me that he didn’t know how he could help me. He said that this would be something I’d have to do by myself. He just didn’t have it in him. Words cannot express how disappointed and hurt I was. It was even more obvious then that his weight loss surgery was just a means to an end. He had the small body that he wanted but the person I had married was gone. His mind was someplace else.To remember these moments is hard. I have mourned his death so deeply. I miss him desperately. But the reality is that the decisions he made in the last couple years of his life hurt not only himself but his family too. It’s hard to get past the anger but I am working on it. To do that I have decided that I need to work on myself. I need to be comfortable in the skin that I am in, no matter what size it is. I don’t expect to be a size 2. Nor do I want to be. I’d be happy just feeling good again and if I can do that in a size 14, that’s A-OK by me. So wish me luck. And if you can spare a moment, cheer me on. I am not exactly sure how I will accomplish this but figured if I put it in writing and make it public, then there is no turning back. So here I am, World. Phat girl on the loose. Watch out.