My Name is Kris and I Blah-g

If only I could write like how I think. Here I sit at 6am on Sunday morning awakened over an hour ago by my brain in thinking mode. It was a classic WTH moment as my eyes darted open in the darkness of my room and glanced over at the clock – 4:50 am. Seriously? Of all days when I can actually sleep past 5 and I wake up now? Perhaps something can be said about an internal clock but today was different. It happens occasionally… my brilliant mind just starts clicking on and I find myself laying in bed contemplating things like the state of our economy or world peace. But not today. And I blame Apollo Ohno.I was up last night watching the Olympics. Apollo was racing and that is always fun to watch. He likes to hang back in last place when he races and then in the last couple of laps he’ll make his move. I was particularly stressed out last night watching him race. My stomach was in knots and frankly, I just don’t trust those Koreans. Those shady guys skate dirty. I don’t know what it is…something about ‘em gets under my skin. Don’t worry.. I am not usually this way but when the Olympics come around everyone is a commie when they compete against our athletes. I know. Weird. But here I was waiting for the final to start – totally freaked out. Apollo was up against 2 Koreans and 2 Canadians. I couldn’t take it! I reached for my cellphone and looked up the results of the race (since it’s tape delayed here). Apollo nearly lost but ended up pulling it out at the last minute to take bronze. Whew. I can sleep now. And no need to watch the race. It wasn’t a healthy place to be.So my night didn’t start off too restful. But I was at least grateful that the butterflies in my stomach went to sleep and for the most part I slept ok until my eyes flew open at 4:50. The mind wandered. For some reason, I was taken back 17 years ago to the night when a co-worker and I went to the Fairmont Hotel in San Francisco and sat outside one of the ballrooms during a benefit gathering waiting for a moment when I could meet Kevin Costner. I know! But that’s what I did then…I was befuddled by fame. He had just made Dances with Wolves a year or two prior. I had graduated high school with this delusion that maybe I could make movies, too. I was just about to start at San Francisco State as a film major and it was the eve of my Chicken Pox outbreak (unbeknownst to me but it later explained why I behaved the way I did when my moment with Kevin came around). I had heard that there was going to be a big benefit banquet – I can’t remember what it was benefitting but lots of stars would be there, including my hero of the moment, Kevin Costner. I asked a co-worker of mine to accompany me and off we went. I remember trying to dress somewhat nice. I didn’t want to appear as just any ol’ fan. I brought no pen and paper for autographs and for that matter I can’t recall if I even brought a camera. I just wanted to meet him. We stood outside the ballroom for several hours talking with security and a few of the people who came seeking autographs. There really weren’t that many of us there considering the star power that was in that room. I figured my chances were pretty good. Every once in a while the security guy would go in and then report back to us what was going on – Kevin was drinking. A LOT. That is, at least, what he told us.“>Time was crawling. I was getting very tired sitting there. My feet hurt and so did my head. I figured it was fatigue but I honestly started to feel quite strange – almost feverish, a bit heavy and certainly tired. But then the doors flew open and out walked many celebrities – Danny Glover… George Lucas… and Kevin Costner. Kevin was, at the time filming The Bodyguard. He had that stupid hair cut. His tux was a bit ruffled up and his eyes were a little red and glassy. But I made my move. I made my way up next to him and with my hand outstretched, I addressed him as “Mr. Costner”. Another guy pushed forward thrusting a Sharpie pen towards Kevin. Kevin walked faster turned and looked at me and told me he wasn’t going to give any autographs and with a wave of his hand he pretty much brushed me off. I stood there for a moment stunned. I was empty handed and instantly insulted that he would insinuate that I wanted anything more from him than a handshake. As he stood there waiting for the elevator, it fell out of my face…at the top of my lungs I cried, “FINE! BE THAT WAY! I DIDN’T WANT YOUR STINKIN’ AUTOGRAPH ANYWAY!” He looked up at me and I admit, I saw a tinge of fear in his eyes as if it were saying, “Oh, crap! What is she going to do next?” My friend who had been sitting in the seats by the elevator was startled by the noise, looked up to see Kevin Costner in front of her and following his gaze towards me, her jaw dropped when she discovered that outburst had come from me. If you know me, you know that I can glare and I was glaring at Kevin Costner who hours ago was my film making hero and now was this drunken idiot who didn’t have the time, fortitude or humility to greet a lowly peasant like me. Robin Hood, he was not. If it hadn’t been for the fact that the elevator arrived and he rushed right on to it, I would have not only told him to P*ss Off but that also he sucked and his future movies would too! His career kinda tanked after that night. Coincidence? I think not.The next evening, what I thought was scorching case of acne ended up being a scorching case of Chicken Pox. I was massively ill. I almost missed my first day of school at SF State. The school wouldn’t let me miss it. I had to go despite my outbreak. I should have seen it as a sign that my time there wouldn’t be fruitful. When I finally recovered and returned to work (at the Disney Store), my Kevin Costner encounter had grown to legendary proportions. My co-worker had told everyone what I had done and I was greeted with laughter and surprise that a quiet girl like me told off one of the biggest stars of that time. If I had thought of it, I should have trademarked the phrase, “Fine! Be that way!” because that is what I heard a lot from my friends at the Disney Store back then. Good times.So, yeah…my morning started with this. And I don’t know why. I contemplated my other “brushes with greatness”. I have met many celebrities come to think of it. When I was a teenager it was pretty limited to soap opera stars which I must admit, I still wouldn’t mind meeting a few of those even now. But they were pretty accessible. It wasn’t too hard to meet them. As time went on, I eventually moved to Nashville. Country music singers are pretty accessible too. I had for a time a job on Music Row. I saw someone nearly every day. JoDee Messina? She laughs really loud. Her voice carries big time. Donna Summer? She invented the word Diva. David Lee Murphy? Down to earth and REAL. I liked him lots. It could be because he once came into my office and asked to sleep on my couch. I’ll never forget the frantic emails I sent to my friends back home that day. “OH. MY. GOSH! David Lee is sleeping in my office RIGHT NOW.” Clint Black? Ugh. He’s the reason why I left that job. I am not sure you could call it much of a job, to be honest. My task one day was to hunt down a pizza for Clint and get it to the RCA Building at a certain time. It was not just any ordinary pizza. It had to be a particular pizza with particular ingredients. It was a pain. But hey, it was Clint Black. I was so there. I got the pizza and made my way over to RCA. I stood there waiting in the hall like a dork holding this stupid pizza when my boss finally emerged from the conference room and much like how Kevin Costner had dismissed me a few years prior, she shrugged and told me that they decided to just order Pizza Hut. Seriously? Clint Black, you suck! His career after that? Not that great. Coincidence? I think not. I almost hit him with my car once after that… that was fate just playing with me though. Still…the guy shouldn’t jay walk…I’m just sayin’… “>Is this the longest post in history? If you’re still here, then let’s move on…you are reaping the rewards of my overworking brain. So I contemplated further… who else have I met? I had many opportunities while I was in Nashville. I got to be there on the field celebrating the Titans big year in 1998-99. I remember meeting Jeff Fisher and thinking how he was going to lead them to the Super Bowl that year. I neglected to tell him that they wouldn’t win, though. Oops. Good game, however! I met Garth Brooks once…. it took about 14 hours of waiting in line in 90+ degree heat and 1000% humidity. But he was sticking it out and I figured I could too. That was unbelievable. I couldn’t believe that (1) he would endure 24 hours non-stop autographing and picture taking and (2) he’d do it in such heat. But he did. It was a marathon meet and greet that I am sure made Fan Fair history. I realized it then. And there was no way I was going to give up my spot in line. And it was worth it. Mike and I finally got face to face with this legend and he had already been standing there 14 hours. And he greeted us with a huge smile, hugs and interest in who we were and where were from. Garth “retired” not too many years after that. I am fortunate that I got to see him perform live before he left. But because he’s who he is and how he treats others, I think people would pay to just watch him breathe, let alone sing. Kevin Costner could learn a thing or two from him.Moving on…Nowadays, we have things like Twitter that can bring us closer to celebrities. In fact, we can not only get frequent updates from celebrities, we can also say things to them and some will actually respond. It’s a phenomenon really. I never imagined 20 years ago that you could have such access to these people. Yet daily my desktop is baraged with Tweets from these people. I had to block @Scott Baio because he tweets way too much! And he always tweets stupid pictures. And he gets into fights with people online who get mad at him for making fun of Michelle Obama. Hey, I am right there with ya, Chachi if you want to take on liberals but even I get tired of  your constant Tweeting. @Kelsey Grammar tweets a lot too. Constantly. You always know that he is playing catch up because when he tweets he will do it 30-40 at a time. Nice guy but I sense a future Tweet Block on him, too.The latest Twitter-gate scandal is coming from director @Kevin Smith. He was recently kicked off a Southwest flight for what he claims as being “too fat”. I don’t follow his tweets but I have been following this story. As a frequent flier of SWA and wife to a former employee of SWA, I have heard about and seen enough customer angst to know that there is more to this story than Kevin Smith is owning up to. He is irreverent, rude and just not a nice guy. And I can base this opinion solely on what he says. I don’t need to meet him to know that he could be a (insert your own four letter word here). But picture with me for a moment sitting on a plane that is totally full. You are eager to go. Time is running late. The pilot needs to push back from the gate. But then you have a guy who decides that he doesn’t want to fly on his originally booked flight. He wants to fly on this one. The airline accommodates his request and puts him in their last open seat. There is an eagerness to get him seated. It’s not happening in a timely manner. The flight crew has to make a judgement call. It is, after all, their job to get the plane turned around quickly and get people to their destination safely and on time. But there is this one guy holding things up. We weren’t there. We don’t know what was said. But if he can be this vocal now how vocal was he on that plane? When we fly we entrust a small group of people to board us on to essentially 20 tons of metal and jet fuel, fly us 35,000 feet up into the air and land us 100s or 1000s of miles away not only on time but with us still breathing and our luggage still in tact, if even on the same plane. Our lives are in their hands. We pay them money, yes. But it is a privilege to fly – not a right. So if you are going to take your own sweet time boarding a flight or if you’re going to change your plans last minute and you’re not going to care that you are inconveniencing 136 other people who just want to get to where they’re going, don’t be too freaking surprised when you get booted off the plane. I don’t care how famous you are or how much your crappy movies suck. He probably deserved it.So, there you have it…the rantings of a brain out of control and what woke up me up out of a sound sleep at 4:50 in the morning. Thank you Kevin Costner, Clint Black and Kevin Smith.