My Name is Kris and I Blah-g

Thousands of Utahns are feeling the effects of PTSS tonight. I am not among them although I admit that I was a little nervous for our local-boy David Archuleta today. It’s kinda like when your team makes it to the super bowl and they get this close and they end up losing anyway. Last time I felt like this the Titans were playing the Rams in the super bowl and Dyson was within inches of scoring the winning touchdown – his hand outstretched for the goalline. It was heartbreaking. I am not as heartbroken tonight as I was then. The cinderella season for the Titans was purely magical and they were destined to go to the super bowl and win it. Frankly, they were robbed and the Rams are a bunch of whiney butts..but I digress. Tonight David Archuleta did not win the coveted title of American Idol and that’s ok because he got the exposure he needs to become a superstar and the rest is up to him. He has the freedom to persue his dream should he choose to and the great thing about it is that he’s young and he’s got time to cultivate his talent. He’ll be A-OK.My beef with the outcome tonight was the blatant back-peddling by Simon Cowell prior to the results being delivered. He had made the media circuit earlier in the week telling not only Oprah, but Leno and Ellen that he thought Cook should and will win. Then on D-Day he rightfully praised Archuleta for his outstanding performances and then criticized Cook for his. Tonight he said he went home and re-watched the show and apologized to Cook for being hard on him and how he didn’t deserve it. Frankly, I didn’t think Cowell was that hard on Cook. His criticism was fairly benign and justified. Cook didn’t deliver stellar performances last night and he knew it. What won it for him were his past performances and the undeniable voting stamina of the Cookie followers. Kudos for them because they put their guy on top – by A LOT. It’s do or die for Cook anyway because by many standards he not getting any younger. The time is now. But Cowell makes these predictions every year and every year he right on. He was either sensing an “upset” or he was in the know about the results ahead of time. He needed to save face because heaven forbid that Simon is ever wrong. He lost tons of respect from me tonight. I am usually a big Simon supporter. I agree with most of what he says. He’s obnoxious but he knows his stuff and he’s not afraid to say what he thinks. But tonight was about as self-serving as you can get and it was shameful. He would have done a lot better had he just sucked it up and accepted the fact that he created the David Cook monster anyway by heaping praise on the guy during the competition and building him up for the past month in the press. The outcome was exactly what he professed to have wanted and it’s apparently what the producers wanted as well. Goodie for them.On a whole, the finale was entertaining. I had a good time watching it. I loved seeing Cook perform with the Amish rockband ZZ Top. That was most excellent. I enjoyed the Guitar Hero commercials with Archuleta and Cook dancing in their underwear – most funny and bound to be replayed on YouTube by every girl in America. I thought the shameless plugs for the Love Guru and that Ben Stiller movie starring Jack Black and Robert Downey Jr as a black guy were hilarious. I’m disappointed that they had to get all PC and give the boys hybrids. They both deserved Mustangs. My advice for Archie - let the folks drive the Escape and get yourself a FUN CAR with your first $million and preferrably not a Ford because they pretty much suck. I suggest a chili pepper red Mini Cooper because they’re awesome. Tonight we saw way too much of David Hernandez. Frankly, I am glad he won’t be on the tour. I look forward to more of Chikeze and Michael Johns. I thought Amanda Overmyer was about to lose her crap by singing those cheesey songs and dancing those freaky dances. She was so out of her element and she looked like she was being tortured. What was up with Randy’s Kaptain Kangaroo jacket? That was some bad fashion there. Paula’s dress was pretty from the waist down. She was having some interesting issues up top. I’m sure Simon loved it. I could have done without seeing George Michael. I can’t get the image out of my head that he was probably hanging out in a park prior to show time. He really is sleazy and he looks terrible. He didn’t sound much better either. I wasn’t too stoked about Donna Summer because well, it’s Donna Summer but the girls got to sing with her which is kinda cool and I got to see Amanda sing disco which really probably made her rethink her last career as maybe one she may want to stick with. I mean, seriously? Amanda sing disco? Priceless. Carrie Underwood looked great. It was nice that she waxed prior to the show otherwise we could have had a scandal. Her song was kinda weird – not one of her best but she rocked it like the star that she is. We got to see last year’s Idol, Jordin Sparks. Not much to say there. She’s tall. Why is she wearing 5″ spiked heels? I noticed that Ryan didn’t dare stand next to her. The Jonas Brothers sang. Or did they?  Bryan Adams is still alive and some guy on a piano sang a song I don’t know with David Archuleta. The rest of the night was mostly commercials and seeing past idols. I missed seeing David Hasselhoff cry. That would have been fun seeing again. Anyway, the season is over and it’s time to get back to our Idol-free lives. Be sure to catch my countdown to next season to the right.

Well, call me underwhelmed…again. Vocally, David Archuleta and Syesha were the strongest. But David Cook got the best criticism. Go figure. Cook’s vocals were all over the place tonight and again his songs featured a slow build up to him screaming the big note at the end. Is that Idol material? I don’t know. It’s the same from him every week. That could be said about Archuleta who can master any ballad. He sings a lot of slow songs which is true. But why not sing to his strengths? It is a competition after all and what sense would it make for him to sing something he’s not comfortable with? Then there is Syesha and for her it’s the same, too – it’s more about acting out the song rather than sing it. And frankly, she could SING it if she weren’t so caught up in herself and her choreography with a chair. What the?! It’s manipulative and obnoxious. She’s so out of there. And not a moment too soon. Putting her through to the finale would guarantee the title to any one of the Davids.So, let’s talk about the songs… And So It Goes actually turned out pretty good and the best performance of the night for David Archuleta. I wasn’t looking forward to this song because the Billy Joel version is so slow and drawn out, it’s almost painful to listen to which is sad because Billy Joel is usually great. But I was not a fan of this song. David A. chose to sing a portion of it acapella which was great because it really showcased him as a vocalist which compared to the other two contestants, he’s the best one. His other performances – Chris Brown’s With You was “fun” and he sounded pretty good. But it wasn’t what I’d thought it’d be based on the buzz that the song was getting on certain blogs and forums. So, in that sense it was a let down. Longer was pretty just as I thought it would be. Dan Fogelburg is great but I would have preferred to hear Leader of the Band instead. I’m not sure what the producers were smokin’ but their choices pretty much sucked all around.Syesha sang some Alecia Keys song which she was conveniently happy about. Ugh. Then she sang Fever and was more excited about dancing around a chair than singing the song. Call me crazy but that girl has an ego bigger than all the contestants combined. Her last song was another producer doozie. The song was from the movie “Happy Feet” and I can’t even remember the name of it – totally forgettable and so was her night. She’s heading home.David Cook sang First Time I Ever Saw Your Face or whatever and of course it was a stretegic choice by Simon to give him this song which of course he would change up to fit his style..he started off nice and slow and low and then of course you could hear the band build up and Cook start to growl the lyrics until he finally hits the last note with his mouth so wide you could see Jimmy Hoffa hiding behind his tonsils. His second song was some song I have never heard of. Just as it was starting to get going it was over. I was wondering what had just happened. Did he just make that up or something? It wasn’t good, dawg (gag). Cook’s final song (and producer’s choice) was Don’t Want to Miss a Thing (by Aerosmith). Wow. That one was a shocker. The song was pimped out with a bevy of violins that overplayed Cook’s vocals which were low then high and kinda sharp and then kinda flat. But it doesn’t matter what he sounded like because the drums started to beat, the guitars started to wail and Cook started to build up his trademark growl at the right time. Simon declared him an Idol Rock God and set him up to be the one to beat next week. So all assumptions of the past month or two were proved true and we’ll see a David vs. David finale. 

There is a lot of speculation out there about American Idol being “fixed”. I am not sure that “fixed” is the right word…maybe manipulated is a better one. This past week has been pretty amazing when it comes to rumor running amok. Blogs are abuzz about the alleged banning of David Archuleta’s dad. It started with a blurb on TMZ.com and was quickly followed up as “fact” by all the major news outlets, including the AP. Not a peep has come from anyone official at AI so one must wonder, could this “bad publicity” be good for the show? I think AI must think so. Why would people tune in this week if they already have a feeling that the final will be David (Archuleta) vs. David (Cook)? Syesha is pretty much an after thought. Her popularity is just enough to have kept her on the show this long but not out of the bottom vote getters for weeks. Her personality is annoying. And clearly her biggest fan is Syesha. Could she vote for herself that much? I don’t think so. If people tune in this week, it’s not because there is this big mystery about who will move on to the finals. Let’s get real. If Syesha beats David Archuleta, is there any question as to WHO will win? Absolutely not. If she’s in the final two, then the finale will be a huge bore. Not much anticipation in that. At least with David vs. David there is the drama of the supposed “stage dad from hell” to contend with and there is the mystery of who can get the most people to call in and vote. For all we know AI themselves could have drummed up all this broohaha themselves. It is television after all.So, what about all this talk about the falling ratngs? What can be done to save Idol from crashing and burning? Firstly, the ratings are still huge when you compare them to other shows. So AI won’t be crashing very soon. Secondly, how much longer do we have to put up with these contrived controversies? Most of the time the controversy surrounds Paula. Even that is getting boring. In order for the show to remain relevant, they are going to have to divulge vote totals. I would be very interested in hearing how many votes a person receives. How else to motivate the fan base than to know that their favorite literally does need their vote when they find out that coming in second place means they lost by 15 million votes? Was there ever a tight race? Another “fresh” idea would be to allow guest judges – but not celebrity guest judges. I’m talking normal, every day people – the ones who buy the music. Everyone’s a critic so let us be. I would love to tell it how it is to some of these people. How much “Dawg, you’re in the zone” or “You look stunning tonight” do we have to hear? Finally, get rid of theme nights. If you have to have them, then make them relevant to the times. I love Neil Diamond and Andrew Lloyd Webber as much as the next almost 40-something but I’m not your demographic, AI. Get real. The kids want to hear rock and roll and pop. Give it to them. Better yet, don’t give us what you think we want to hear but allow the contestants to sing what they want. Play to their strengths and even out the playing field. May the best man or woman win! Finally, by forcing these “mentors” on us, you’re forcing their new music down our throats so they can sell more albums. We know it’s a gimmick to drum up sales. Knock it off. For some of these folks, their time has come and gone.