My Name is Kris and I Blah-g

FINALLY!!! Seriously, folks I was thinking I was going to go ballistic if I didn’t hit this number. I surpassed it by about .2lbs but I am just going to call it an even 35 for now because as we all know and as my rantings can attest, the scale has a mind of its own! Who knows what it will say tomorrow!? But for today it said A LOT and to see that number dip just below a certain point had the semblance of sweet victory for me. And it’s just what I need to keep the momentum going and try to double my results.This week hasn’t been that great in the work out dept. I injured my upper left leg the other night. I wish I could say it was from something really cool like kicking @$$ on the dodgeball court last Saturday (which for an old gal, I guess I did) but that wasn’t it. The great injury occurred when I (wait for it…..), went to kneel on the ground so I could put together a shelf for my sister. Yup. All I did was try to get on the ground. Instead I felt a pop and I yelped with pain. It’s sore but I don’t think it’s lasting. The ol’ time o’ the month reared her ugly head (FINALLY!) the other day and then couple that with the pulled muscle, I called it a day on exercise yesterday and today. I kinda feel guilty about that. Funny how that is. But the good news is that I am chaperoning a field trip with 2nd graders today and we’re doing some walking so I will not feel THAT guilty! I’ll get my exercise in somehow and then get back on the wagon tomorrow.Real quick…dodgeball. I played for two hours last Saturday and I reaped the rewards of sore muscles for THREE DAYS afterwards. I could move and all but woo! It hurt to do so. I hadn’t played it since I was in 6th grade and man, they play it differently these days. SIX BALLS! And they are coming at you from all directions. It can get pretty violent and I must say it is an excellent way to relieve some of that pent up aggression. Who knew I had any? I would LOVE to play again this Saturday but I have a pressing family engagement that I must attend. BUT… I will be back next week. You can bank on that. Hopefully the soreness won’t happen this time!

Honestly, I don’t have much to say other than I don’t think I have ever met a more fickle thing than my bathroom scale. It boggles my mind as to why it behaves the way it does. Per my last post, I just sprinted on by the 30lb mark and hit 31 without blinking an eye – much to my delight. But there I have sat for over a week, the scale bouncing back and forth between 31 pounds to 31.2, 31.4 and back to 31lbs. It has been frustrating.Couple that with the intense stomach pain that I was experiencing on Friday (I won’t get into details but someone explain to me why when you start to eat right your digestive system freaks out!), and the fact that my impending visit from Aunt Flo (I know, TMI! It’s my blog so get over it) and it’s no wonder that I am not seeing any big changes in the scale. Speaking of Aunt Flo, I know it must be coming at some point because I just can’t get enough of chocolate. My sister and I went out to a candy factory yesterday so we could pick up samples of some candy that we hope to have at our parent’s wedding anniversary party in August (yeah, August. We’re big planners). Anyway, we got like $25 worth of candy – all of it wonderful and I swear I can hear it calling to me… Kriiiiisssss! EAT ME!! Seriously? One thing that I have been pretty proud about is my ability to stave off temptation but then the monthly visitor starts to rear her ugly head and and seriously? If you were a chocolate bunny, I’d bite your head off!So needless to day, I ate a few too many pieces of chocolate yesterday but then this morning I got on the scale expecting no movement other than a gain and it was .6lbs LOWER! I know…I know…it’d have to take a lot of chocolate to make me gain it all back in a course of 12 hours but this is what this new lifestyle does to you…it makes you crazy and irrational. The good news is that I am not

D Y I N G!

This diet thing really isn’t much of a diet so it hasn’t been a huge sacrifice. I just simply pay more attention now and find that it’s not that hard to say no or to opt for water instead of soda. I also have found that I enjoy the exercise even though some days it’s hard to get my butt to the gym but once I am there I like the solitary feeling I get when I just plug myself in to my iPod and get lost in my thoughts and the music. I also have found that if I don’t go, I really feel like I am missing part of my day. Wow…whodda thunk it?

So, I am now closing in on 33lbs lost and it’s all good. I bought a skirt last night that was 2 sizes smaller than I would have purchased only a couple months ago and that was a wonderful feeling.

So, I bit the bullet and decided to join a gym. Having worked out consistently for the past 4 months, I figured it was time. Besides, I was getting tired of dodging the old people a the mall. I was also wondering if just doing the walking thing was enough. I had proved that I could keep with it and since I am *THIS* close to breaking the 30 pound mark, I figured I had the incentive and perhaps varying the workout I was doing would be enough to jolt the ol’ body into giving up some more of the weight.I had been checking out the ellipticals and thought it would be “fun” to try them out. I already know that I don’t like treadmills. I own one. It’s collecting dust in the garage. If I am going to walk, I had better be going somewhere. I dunno. I’m weird that way. So while my sister decided to stick to the treadmill, I hopped on the elliptical ready for some “fun”. First, to use an elliptical you must be coordinated. Your arms swing back and forth and your legs do this kinda running, climbing thing. It was a weird combination for me and it quickly got out of hand. In minutes I was gasping for air. I was clearly doing something wrong and it felt like all eyes were on me. What is that bozo doing on the elliptical? Somebody get her off of there before she hurts herself or worse, hurts one of us! That was the longest 5 minutes ever. I managed to stop the thing and nearly spilled out on to the floor – my legs were like jelly and I was sure I was walking like a drunk. I am clearly NOT READY for the elliptical.I headed to the stationary bikes and picked out one. Let’s just say it now. I am a novice with the whole gym thing. I figured what damage could I do on a bike that doesn’t move? Plenty. First I didn’t know how to turn it on. The older lady next to me kindly told me to just start peddling. Of course. Thank you. About 10 minutes into it I was starting to get really tired of my knees hitting the handlebars and I was still feeling the effects of the elliptical. I had gasped any moisture from my throat while I was on the thing that I was now in a fit of coughing and it was all I could do to not drink the whole bottle of water that I had with me. I was sure that my exercising neighbor (that kind lady who thinks I am a total moron) was thinking that I was ill. But she took pity on me. She pointed to the lever under my seat and told me to move it back. Thanks to her, I think I may have spared my knees any bruising. The coughing, however I couldn’t control. It continued for the entire 25 minutes I was on the bike. I figured I had tortured the lady long enough and decided to move on.::: Cue the Jaws music :::Next up was a little weight training. I swigged back some water and stared at a couple machines to figure out what to do next. I bypassed the pull up machine because lets face it, I had already made a fool of myself enough today. I opted for the weight machine that would work the arms. My arms definitely need it. With the nearly 30 pounds lost, I have discovered that I am developing wings. I could take flight at any moment people! It took a few reps to find a weight that was good for me – basically the weight of the handle bars and nothing more. A few reps later and then I was on the abdominal machine. All I can say about that is that I know I looked as stupid as I felt doing it. There is surely no way that machine helped anything. By this time I had been at the gym nearly an hour. I was ready to call it a day.Elliptical Machine = 1Kris = 0Maybe I should stick to walking…

So, it’s been a while since I had written anything about my weight loss endeavor. In some ways it’s been a long 2 months because the weight doesn’t come off as fast as one would like. But it really does take a while to burn off this chubbiness! But the good thing is that I am seeing results so it is keeping me motivated to keep on going. I marvel at how I may look in another 6 months. The idea that I could end up in jeans smaller than I have ever worn as an adult is mind boggling. I find myself checking out the clothes at the mall in the skinny people stores and think that I may actually get to shop in one of them some day. That’s kinda cool. I am thinking that will be my reward should I ever fit into skinny jeans. I may actually buy them – full price, mind you – at a store that caters to skinny people. Where am I in this journey of mine? Well, I haven’t even made it to the half way mark but I can see it. It’s out there on the horizon. My ticker on the side of this site doesn’t reflect it accurately because it’s been acting up, but I am now down 23 pounds with the big 25 staring me right in the face. The way it’s been going this past week, if I am fortunate to see it, I could be announcing the 25lb weight loss in a matter of days. One thing I will say however is that I am now below my pre-pregnancy weight which is pretty exciting. It’s not that much lower but enough to put a smile on my face when I have to sit in front of yet another salad at lunch time. Actually, the salads aren’t that bad. I don’t mind them so much, especially the ones with berries and chicken in them. I am thankful that I can sit down at dinner and eat semi-normally otherwise I don’t see this new way of eating sticking around. What I am saying is that I don’t feel “deprived”. Yeah there are times like last night when I really wanted a sweet treat but I just couldn’t figure out what to have. I flitted back and forth from a Creamie to a banana to a cookie and finally decided that it was just time to go to bed and forget about the treat. I wasn’t going to DIE if I didn’t have it. I had pretty much reached my calorie goal for the day and I didn’t NEED it. Yeah! Seriously! Another WHOA moment for me. Who is this girl?So, how is the exercise going? It would be fantastic if my legs and feet would cooperate. My last saga were infuriating leg cramps and a quest to find the perfect shoe. I ended up getting some Nike running shoes and I ended up walking all over Washington DC 2 weeks ago in them. They held up great. My feet felt great and my legs even better. We were walking at least 5 miles a day and one day clocked 9 miles. So the shoes and my legs/feet were getting a work out! But then a couple days ago I started to get heel pain in my left foot. WHAT THE HECK!? SO annoying. So it’s been a battle the past few days with me telling my 38 year old body that although it’s not 22 any more, it IS 23 pounds lighter and I am doing it a favor by taking the weight off. The least it could do is stop hurting so I can reach my goal. It’s not listening to me though. This morning as soon as my foot hit the floor there was pain. Actually I knew the pain was coming because laying in bed there was a slow throb reminding me that I was about to give my left foot the middle finger. Thankfully though, with a little Naproxen and some stretching and of course, putting in that 2 miles this morning, the heel is irritated but not throbbing. I’ll survive.There you have it. That’s the latest. Dad tells me that he’s seeing a big difference. I see it in the numbers on the scale but not quite with my clothes – well maybe a little in the shirts. But I’m still looking forward to the day that I need to hold on to my belt loops when I walk to keep them from falling to my ankles!

I have to admit. Dieting sucks. Counting carbs sucks! Who was the jerk who thought of that!? I understand why Garfield always said “diet” is “DIE” with a “T”. There are times you feel like you’re dying. Not because I couldn’t have sweets but just because there are times when I find myself so hungry! But what I have learned is that I am not supposed to be hungry. If I get hungry, then it’s working. And when I get hungry I need to feed myself. I find that concept a little hard to accept still but I am trying. I am proud of myself because the other night I got the case of the munchies. I went downstairs and stared into the fridge waiting for something to pop out at me and say EAT ME! But the guilt was just too much. I shouldn’t be eating at this time of night but I was HUNGRY!! So I grabbed some apples and luckily that staved off the hunger. Yeah, I shouldn’t be eating that late at night and it probably shouldn’t have been something as sweet as an apple but hey, I didn’t grab the ice cream or the Zingers that were sitting on the counter. I think I am doing pretty darn good…So good in fact that this morning I discovered that I was 15 pounds down since I started this thing a month ago. FIFTEEN POUNDS!! Holy mackrel! I can’t believe it. Naturally I will weigh in again to make sure this isn’t a fluke. In my disbelief, I jumped on the scale a bit. I tried to weigh myself down and the needle didn’t budge. Well, what do ya know about that? Lowering your daily caloric intake and getting off your butt for a wee bit of exercise works! Who knew?! I still have a long way to go. But I am encouraged by the results so far. I know that at some point the weight loss will slow down. I can’t expect to lose 15 pounds every month although wouldn’t that be something? I look forward to when the loss amounts into major inches lost and my pants won’t stay up. Oh, how I long for that day. I have been walking at the mall every morning – 2 miles (yeah, I count it). And I walk by all these clothes stores and covet the tiny pairs of jeans that hang in their windows. Perhaps one day I will get to shop in a store that isn’t meant for fat girls and buy a normal size. But for now, my goal is to at least reach the lowest size available in the fat girl’s store. If I can reach that, I will be a happy camper!

Will power. Stamina. Energy. Guts. Determination. All of these things are needed when you embark on the journey to lose weight. I have none of them save one that is not listed – desperation. I have never been a small girl. My parents dispute this because in their eyes I will always be 6 and that was the last time that I can remember ever fitting into clothes that were the appropriate size for my age. I have steadily gotten bigger as I have gotten older. I don’t think I have ever really LOST weight – ever. Unless, of course you count bouts with the flu as a weight loss method.My decision to attempt the impossible (at least to me it is) hasn’t come lightly or quickly. I, like so many people at this time of year look upon it as a challenge which usually crash and burns by the end of the first day of the year. I have decided that my new years for ever more will start on January 5th. I just don’t know if I could endure those depressing first 4 days of the year without chocolate. So I am going to go easy on myself – at least for now. I’m also realistic. How long can I last living on bananas? So far, 2 meals… I’m on my way.I don’t own a bathroom scale. I threw it out with a bunch of other garbage that I dumped last year. When Mike died there was an urgency to clean things out – remove the old… just start out with virtually nothing. I don’t know why. I am not sure why my instinct was to push it all away. But I kept very few things that were ours and used the excuse of moving out of my home and having no place to store my stuff. I kept the important things, of course. But the bathroom scale? It was outta there. Mike bought that scale when he had his weight loss surgery. It was a surgery that I was totally against him having but he was his own man. He made his own decisions and he was stubborn about this one. I didn’t see surgical methods as a good and natural way to lose weight. And after witnessing what it did to him, I know that I am right. There is a reason why our stomachs are the way they are. There is a reason why we don’t drink from thimble-sized cups and call it a meal. There is a reason why there is more to weight loss than forcibly making your stomach smaller. It’s mental and it’s physical. Both of which he was unprepared for. I grew to hate that bathroom scale of his as I saw him shrink away. Sure, size wise he ended up being what he wanted to be. But he never had the strength and stamina that he promised me the surgery would give him. He never had the willpower to resist sweets. Instead he’d continue to eat them until his small stomach couldn’t take it any more and he’d end up sick in the bathroom – sometimes requiring me to come home from the middle of the day at work to attend to his problem. I saw his struggle day in and day out and I vowed that I would never go to the lengths that he did to lose weight. I’d be fat but I’d be happy. He was no longer fat and he was certainly NOT happy. That scale was a reminder of all that so I threw it out with out a second thought. But now here I am. I know that, for myself I need to do this. I asked Mike once if he’d help me. I asked him if he’d be my work out and diet partner and help me keep on track. It would mean we’d have to limit our sweets in the house and that he’d have to be there to help keep me motivated. And I’ll never forget what he said. He told me that he didn’t know how he could help me. He said that this would be something I’d have to do by myself. He just didn’t have it in him. Words cannot express how disappointed and hurt I was. It was even more obvious then that his weight loss surgery was just a means to an end. He had the small body that he wanted but the person I had married was gone. His mind was someplace else.To remember these moments is hard. I have mourned his death so deeply. I miss him desperately. But the reality is that the decisions he made in the last couple years of his life hurt not only himself but his family too. It’s hard to get past the anger but I am working on it. To do that I have decided that I need to work on myself. I need to be comfortable in the skin that I am in, no matter what size it is. I don’t expect to be a size 2. Nor do I want to be. I’d be happy just feeling good again and if I can do that in a size 14, that’s A-OK by me. So wish me luck. And if you can spare a moment, cheer me on. I am not exactly sure how I will accomplish this but figured if I put it in writing and make it public, then there is no turning back. So here I am, World. Phat girl on the loose. Watch out.