My Name is Kris and I Blah-g

Happy Father’s Day, everyone! Today is weird. The anticipation is usually worse than the actual day. For the past couple of days I’ve been feeling pretty “blah” about this whole day but now that it’s here, I’m ok. Go figure. Today is also strange because we can’t celebrate it like we used to. Last year didn’t count because we were flying home from Hawaii on Father’s Day. It was a good distraction. There was no time to be too reflective. But this year, we’re at home. Church has been cancelled because there is a Swine Flu break out here in our area and so we’re just kinda hanging out today. We’ll go visit Mike at the cemetery today and we’ll shower Grandad with presents but that will be that. It’s kinda sad in a way. No pomp and cirumstance. No paper ties for the Dads at church. Just quiet. I was looking at some pictures of Mike and Michaela this morning. Mike was a doting father. I think sometimes he expected more out of Michaela than she gave – perhaps a Daddy’s girl. She wasn’t. She loved her father, don’t get me wrong. But she’s always been a little attached to me. Selfishly, I think that’s kinda cool but in a way I am wondering if it was some divine plan to help us both out because Mike wasn’t going to be here as time went on. We were going to need each other. And we do. I am not sure how well I could have coped the past 18 months had she not been here. She’s a remarkable little girl. Anyway, I have a few pictures to share. I actually have tons of pictures of Mike and Michaela. If there’s one thing I have done right the past 7 years it’s that I have documented her life pretty well. She will always have these memories of her Dad…

These moments come when I least expect them. But a couple events are colliding this week and I suppose the feelings I am experiencing are to be expected. Still…I wish they would just stay away. I’ve been there, done that, so to speak. Honestly, after nearly 18 months I am ready to stop feeling this way. Tomorrow is Father’s Day. And like last year, we’ll make a pilgrimage to the cemetery to leave flowers for Mike. This custom helps Michaela. She needs a place to go and I wonder how as time goes on how much she’ll remember of her Dad. So far, she’s doing really well. We speak of him often. We laugh about some of the crazy things he used to do. And usually these talks will follow up with this question she asks me, “You gonna cry, Mom?” I suppose she’s seen me do a lot of that in the most recent past. The tears come every once in a while – not as steady as they used to. I am thankful for that. It’s exhausting. I am thankful that I can speak about her Dad – most of the time, without tears. And as grateful as I am for the dry eyes, it doesn’t stop the thoughts….the quiet moments of staring out the window… the feeling of a heavy heart. It started for me last night. No warning. It just happened. I had hoped that sleep would allow me to wake today with a renewed energy to forget this mood and hope for a happy weekend. But the clouds are grey again, the rain is falling and it’s just so easy to keep the feelings blue.My realtor called yesterday. The final appraisal is done. The sale is going through. There’s no reason for me to go over there anymore. I just need to wait for the call. Then, I will go get the check cut for what I owe (which is  A LOT) and with that and Mike’s death certificate in hand, I will go sign the papers to release the house from my name. And that will be that. The burden of a monthly house payment will be gone but that is the only thing that I relieved about. It’s hard to react when I am congratulated about this. Really? Congratulations on selling the home I shared with my husband and daughter? Is that good news?So, I will allow myself this moment to be sad but I am determined to get myself out of this because I am done. I am done being sad. I am done feeling sorry for myself. I am done allowing what was to define who I am now. It’s not me. Wish me luck…I’m gonna need it.