I am having one of those days this week… LOL. Why is that? I just can be going along minding my own business and I just start to THINK. And believe me, I don’t mind thinking about Mike – at ALL. But I want to think about the HAPPY stuff – and there is PLENTY of that. I don’t want to spend my nights dreaming about him if it means that I have to wake up in the morning feeling like I felt a little over 2 years ago when things seemed helpless and I didn’t know what to do. These seeds of doubt keep getting planted and I feel like I am constantly weeding out my brain. SO annoying.So, what do I do? I have been taking solace in my work outs believe it or not. It’s become a sanctuary of sorts for me to zone out. When I go, I use the stationary bikes that sit in front of a big window. The window faces east towards the mountain. The gym is literally located a couple blocks west of the cemetery that Mike rests in. So as I peddle away, I am staring up at that mountain he lays at the foot of. Directly outside the window is a stop sign. It’s become a symbol of those seeds of doubt. Sometimes it’s pretty hard to get motivated to go each morning or if I get started on the bike, that 45 minutes I am on it seem SO long. That stop sign just glares back at me. But behind it stands that mountain that towers over Mike’s grave. It’s these weird thoughts that I battle on a daily basis! It’s frustrating and exhausting!Amidst all of this, I listen to my iPod. It’s no secret that I have been on this Danny Gokey kick for a while (gee, wonder why?). But get past that for a moment and understand that as I listen to the songs on his album, I understand completely WHY the songs are on there and why he calls this first album of his an anthem for his life right now. It’s become mine as well.So, as I stare down that stop sign each morning, this is the song I listen to. Whatever it takes to keep pushing forward, ya know?I Still Believe [audio:istillbelieve.mp3]I’ve been looking for a lightAt the end of this tunnelI’ve been searching for a signTo lead me homeToo many endless nightsOf sorrowBut on the other side of thisI know that my heart will liveI never saw a man that walked on the waterI never met a man that walked on the waterBut I still believeI don’t really know what tomorrow will bringBut I’m open to all possibilities’Cause I still believeAnd the more I live my lifeThe lesser I questionAll the things I just can’t seeRight in front of my eyesSo I take that leap of faithAnd learn a few lessonsTime showed me thatWhat you give is what you getI never saw a man that walked on the waterI never met a man that walked on the waterBut I still believeI don’t know the answer to my prayerBut I keep kneeling down like somebody is there’Cause I still believe(Now, listen)Well, I guess I could give up’Cause there are days I wanna run awayFrom everythingBut what good would that do for me’Cause I, I, I still believeI never saw a man that walked on the waterI never met a man that walked on the waterBut I still believeI never saw a man that walked on the waterI never met a man that walked on the waterBut I still believeI don’t really know what tomorrow will bringBut I’m open to all possibilities’Cause I still believeI never saw a man, never saw a man, never saw a man,Who walked on the waterI never saw a man, never saw a man, never saw a man,But I, but I, but I believeBut I, but I, but I believeBut I, but I, but I believe
Still hard to believe.
Still can’t sing that hymn in church.
Still see you in her eyes.
Still find it easier to live in denial.
Still feel rushes of sadness overwhelm me.
Still think of you every day.
Still won’t eat at that place I got lunch the day you left.
Still remember how cold it felt to kiss you goodbye.
Still get mad at myself for feeling this way.
Still missing you.
still sucks.
I know that Michaela misses her Daddy. She doesn’t really express much emotion about it and hasn’t really at all in the time that he’s been gone. I think we’ve only had two meltdowns. The first was when her hamster Henry died which was not too long after Daddy. Too much loss? I am not sure. I think part of it was because I wouldn’t get her a new hamster (sorry but as cute as Henry was, he was kinda gross and I got stuck cleaning his cage – not gonna go there again). The 2nd was on our trip to Florida earlier this year. Our last family vacation with Mike was to Disney World in September 2007. Believe it or not, there was a lot of foreshadowing prior to that trip and in hindsight I know I was being prepared. I felt strongly then that it would be our last vacation together. It pains me to admit that now. But the inclinations that I was having then were too strong for me to deny now. I just knew. We returned to Disney World this past March. And it was a big trip. I had traveled alone with Michaela before but they were small 1-2 day trips so it was pretty easy. But this was a full week in Florida and by about 4 days into it we were both feeling the strain and we fell apart in each other’s arms crying over how we missed Dad. I know I instigated it. I always do when it comes to him because like her father, Michaela tries to avoid anything sad. She’d just rather not go there. In fact the day of his funeral she put her foot down and told me that we were allowed to cry at the funeral but once it was over, NO MORE. She wanted to spend what time she had left with his family celebrating her Dad and having a party. She was and IS a very insightful child. We had the party per her request and it was just what everyone needed. Still….she didn’t cry at the funeral. She faced it with bravery and was stoic much like her Dad. I am so opposite…I just have to let it out. Sometimes I wish she would just because I know that for so long Mike bottled things up and it wasn’t good. And I’ll leave it at that…So, she doesn’t cry for her Dad. But there are times when she mentions him out of the blue – often in fact. She freely requests to visit him and she loves to talk about the funny things he used to do. It’s healthy for her and me to talk about it. Her Dad was a great guy and he loved her very much. I don’t ever want her to forget that. But time is flying by. It’s only been about 22 months yet Michaela is 7 now and so much “older” than she lets on. I think back to that little girl in the blue dress that touched her Daddy for the last time at the funeral and I can’t believe she’s the same little girl. She keeps much to herself although I try to get it out of her. He was the same way and it drove me nuts. I usually found out how he felt after the fact – usually in something he’d write on his Myspace page or in a card…today I found a little note that Michaela had written to her Dad on his Facebook Page which I still keep active. It said simply, “I love Daddy.”*sigh* How can you NOT get choked up when you see something like that?! I miss him too, Michaela. More and more every day…
