My Name is Kris and I Blah-g

I am a gluton for punishment! Perhaps it was Mother’s Day yesterday. Maybe it was the Danny Gokey concert last week. I dunno. I think about Mike daily and usually it’s just remembering his face. Or the look in his eye….or something. It’s usually not “painful”…at least it’s not anymore. Those days during the first year? Yeah. That was tough.

Today was a little different.

Recently, I discovered that my huge data storage drive was failing. For the past week I have been trying to recover precious files – basically pictures from Michaela’s birth to about January 2009 – anything that was on Mike’s computer, all of his music, his writings, everything…our tax returns. You name it. It was on this storage drive and last week I couldn’t access it. I took it to a local place and they were unable to recover anything. Finally I caved in and sent the drive to a data recovery place and today learned that IF they can do a full recovery, it will cost me $2400. The drive is in apparently pretty bad shape so today I have been dealing with these feelings that were spilling over from the weekend of just missing Mike to despair in wondering if I was losing some precious memories because I was too stupid to not back it up with redundant drives.

It begs the question…how do you put a price on your memories? As choked up about the cost I will incur in trying to salvage anything from this, I was frantically searching today for any pictures that could have been on that drive but I miraculously found elsewhere. I am happy to say that I did find some. And when I did, I was compelled to put them together in a video. The video below is a tough watch. It features the song “I Will Not Say Goodbye” by Danny Gokey – a song that he introduced the other night as the song that was written for his late wife, Sophia. This is the song that I asked him about.

There are a lot of feelings about Valentines Day. Some people love it but lots don’t. They don’t like the commercialism. Or they don’t like how it makes them feel as if not having a valentine were a reflection on them for not having a significant other or not being loved or whatever. I dunno. I don’t have such strong feelings about this day. But then again I don’t have a lot of love for it either. I have been thinking about it a lot this week. I am not exactly sure why. It wasn’t as if Valentines Day was anything that Mike and I made a big deal of. Sure we had a couple times where we exchanged sweet gifts or went out together but it wasn’t an all out day of romance. It just wasn’t our thing. But why think about it?Then yesterday it hit me…Debbie and I were taking our daily 2 mile walk yesterday morning. When we walk, we close off everything around us. We don’t even talk to each other. Each of us plug our iPods in and get lost in the music and count our laps around the mall. I had the music turned up loud when this song started. It was “I’ll Be” by Edwin McCain. The lyrics are as follows:The strands in your eyes that color them wonderfulStop me and steal my breath.And emeralds from mountains thrust toward the skyNever revealing their depth.Tell me that we belong together,Dress it up with the trappings of love.I’ll be captivated,I’ll hang from your lips,Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above. [Chorus:]I’ll be your crying shoulder,I’ll be love’s suicideI’ll be better when I’m older,I’ll be the greatest fan of your life.And rain falls angry on the tin roofAs we lie awake in my bed.You’re my survival, you’re my living proof.My love is alive — not dead.Tell me that we belong together.Dress it up with the trappings of love.I’ll be captivated,I’ll hang from your lips,Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above[Chorus]And I’ve dropped out, I’ve burned up, I’ve fought my way back from the dead.I’ve tuned in, turned on, remembered the things that you said[Chorus:]I’ll be your crying shoulder,I’ll be love’s suicideI’ll be better when I’m older,I’ll be the greatest fan of your…I’ll be your crying shoulder,I’ll be love’s suicideI’ll be better when I’m older,I’ll be the greatest fan of your life.The greatest fan of your life….greatest fan of your life.As the words of this song were sung a memory came to me from 14 years ago this week. It was Mike’s first time on an airplane. He was 24 years old… traveling alone from rural Pennsylvania via Chicago O’Hare to San Francisco to meet me face to face for the first time and spend 9 days with me. We went everywhere that week and a half. I wanted to show him as much of California as I could because I didn’t know when or if he’d ever get to go back there and let’s be honest, I wanted to impress him. During that week he got to see San Francisco, Monterrey, most of central California as we made our way south to spend a few days in the Los Angeles area. I got to take him to see the Pacific Ocean for the first time. He got to eat shark for his first time with me. His first visit to Disneyland was with me. We shared a dance in the parking lot at Universal Studios. George Strait’s “I Cross My Heart” blared over the stereo of my car as he held me close. It was in a word, magical.We had gotten to know each other fairly well over the previous 3 months – as well as two cyber-pen pals could. It was difficult to have a relationship that way. It didn’t take long for chat to get old. Our phone bills reflected that in a big way. We needed this time in person. Would the spark still be there? There is a lot to be said about chemistry and whether or not it could be replicated. And it was. It was a glorious 9 days.Then the day came when he had to leave and go back home to Pennsylvania. It was Valentines Day 1996. They let you walk people to the gate at the airport back then. He was to fly back home from LAX. It would be a long 4+ hour flight for him and a long days drive back home to Northern California for me. Saying goodbye was difficult. We didn’t want to say goodbye. We both cried. It was that moment when we both just knew for certain. It was wonderful and painful all at the same time.And it was a moment that I hadn’t thought of in a very long time. Why now? Then this song started to play…Well the world just lost two lonely peopleThe world just lost two broken heartsThe odds were against it but baby here we areIn our own little place in our own little cornerThis old cold world just got a little warmerFor the rest of my life I’m gonna hold you in my arms Chorus:And when they carve my stone all they’ll need to write on itIs once lived a man who got all he ever wantedTell me something who could ask for moreThen to be living in a moment you would die forIf I never get rich on what money can buyIt don’t matter to me and I’ll tell you whyI’ve got it all when I’m holding you this wayI’ll live to love you I’d die to keep youSafe inside these arms that need youI’ll be loving you with the very last breath I takeChorusBridge:Ashes to ashes dust into dustI’ll lay beside you forever in loveLast Chorus:And when they carve my stone all they’ll need to write on itIs once lived a man who got all he ever wantedTell me something who could ask for moreThen to be living in a momentLoving every minuteTell me something who could ask for moreThen to be living in a moment you would die forLiving in a momentI would die for (Living in a Moment by Ty Herndon)I think Mike wanted me to remember this. I think it was his way of telling me that maybe there is more to this day than meets the eye. I think he’s telling me that we’ve just gone back to that time 14 years ago. Separated by distance but not by love. ‘Til we meet again, my darling… Happy Valentines Day.I love you.

I love you, Mike.

Missing you always…

Love, Me

I thought I’d look up what I posted last January and was disappointed to find that not only did I not post more than like 5 times last year, the only post that generated any type of conversation was the post about Poisonous Fish Testicles. Not that I do this to get people to talk to me because if I did, I am clearly failing in that department. Or as my 7 year old would say, it’s an “Epic Fail”. I blame her 20 year old cousin for teaching her that one! I hear it a lot! Thanks, I know! I just don’t need to have the reminders! So, this leads me to other epic failures of mine…resolutions. I don’t set them because I never seem to make any of them come to be. So this year I resolve to not resolve anything. I just plan to “be”. But, Kris! How are you supposed to grow and become a better person?? It’s called life, people… I don’t need resolutions to prove to myself that I can do anything or become anything because I simply just need to live it, do the best I can from it, learn from it if I can and at the end of the day, ask myself am I satisfied? Is that possible? I dunno. But it’s poetic. It sounds good. So I will give it a try.If I sound like a bumbling idiot, it’s probably because I have been awake since 5:30 on New Year’s Eve. Alone with my thoughts, which usually don’t make sense these days, I figured it was time I posted something since I hadn’t in a while. It’s been a busy month. It started out with my 38th birthday, a quick trip to Las Vegas to see Phantom of the Opera (which was excellent, btw), preparations for Christmas, Michaela’s holiday concert, shopping, entertaining the kid while she was on vacation, snow plowing, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, snow plowing, Matt’s birthday, New Years….did I mention plowing? Here is how lame I have become… I began this post this morning before 8. It’s now 10:22. In the middle of the 2nd sentence of this paragraph I heard someone outside moving snow and the first thought that came to my head was they weren’t going to leave enough snow for ME to move. So I leapt from my chair, pulled on my snow pants over my Tinkerbell jammies (yes, Tinkerbell), threw on my new snow cap over my bedhead, held it all down with my new goggles (which are so nice and such the fashion statement), put on my Chewbacca boots and gloves and ran down to the garage and jumped on the ATV before the neighbor could reach our portion of the sidewalk. I was out there for over an hour, pushing snow up the mountain past our house and two neighbor’s houses. Then I came back down the mountain to our house, cleared our two driveways and the sidewalks of 4 neighbors and driveways of two that live across the street. I am a glutton of punishment. My arms ache and most of my morning is gone. But I managed to chase the neighbor with the pansy riding lawnmower with a plow attachment back into his house while I ripped up and down the street on our new Yamaha Grizzly 400. If I was Tim Taylor, this is where I would grunt “Oh! OH! HO!”This is where you go, “Geez, Kris…WTF?!” (that’s “what the freak” people…this is a family blog!)So… yeah. This is how I end 2009 – Certifiably nuts and hell on wheels when behind a snow plow. As for the patches of grass that I ripped up this morning? Conveniently covered up with snow. Nobody will notice til Spring and even then I can blame it on someone else.You may ask what’s in the cards for 2010… And I can tell you that I have obsolutely no idea. I have no REAL goals as I mentioned before because I don’t do resolutions. To be honest, I don’t even want to start the new year until January 5. From now on every New Year’s is synonymous with Mike’s death. I can’t think of it without thinking what a terrible new year’s eve that was 2 years ago. And how 4 days later, he was gone. So, for me, the new year begins on Tuesday. Mom has told me that on Monday she is planning to distract me. This is good. I find that I get through these kinds of days better when I am doing something else.As for what comes next after January 4th, I don’t know what this year has in store. I hope that I can start to make sense out of life again. This 2 year fog is getting pretty old. I am ready to forge ahead, whatever that means. I look forward to watching Michaela finish the 2nd grade, celebrating my parent’s 50th wedding anniversary, celebrating Michaela’s 8th birthday and seeing her get baptized. I hope for continued success with my sister’s company so I can keep busy professionally. I would like to learn more about photography and take better pictures. I wouldn’t mind losing some weight. I don’t have a number in mind…but I’d like clothes to fit better and to not be disgusted with myself when I put on a bridesmaid dress for my best friend’s wedding later in 2010 or early 2011. I look forward to riding my new Schwinn that I got for Christmas and I hope to do a little bit more traveling this year. Other than that, my needs are simple…. just breathe!Happy New Year!

Ya know, I’ve approached this 2nd year differently than the first. During the first year without Mike, I looked towards all the “firsts” with dread, anticipating the pain associated with recognizing a significant event without him for the first time. In hindsight, I would say that I built it up in my mind to be worse than it ended up being. Yes, there were moments of sadness but for the most part it was survivable. I was quite proud of myself actually. Then the 2nd year started and I decided that I was no longer this widow newbie. I had a year under my belt. I had weathered the storm, so to speak and I was now going to be the one people could turn to when they had a loss of their own – become the voice of experience and the supportive shoulder to lean on. Then moments like today happen when I realize that I just may need a little bit more time…or maybe this doesn’t really get any easier. Only the span of time coping with it gets longer.Today would have been Mike’s 38th birthday. And I am not feeling poetic about how it feels. I cannot provide any prose that would inspire. All I can simply say is that today I am sad. I look at that photo above taken 3 years ago today and I am angry that Michaela won’t just be helping Daddy blow out his candles this year, she’ll be doing it FOR him. He should be here. He should be driving us crazy with all of his desires for the latest gadgets and telling us how old he is now. He should be letting us fawn all over him because today is his day. But the truth is that we’ll remember him, yes. We’ll be grateful for having been part of his life and he apart of ours. But in the end of the day, the reality is we’ll be eating a birthday cake without him and standing over a cold stark grave. And yeah, I will put on the brave face for Michaela later when we do all this but for now…here on my blog, in the not so private moments of my mind, I am going to share with the world this….You don’t get over death. So don’t even try when death confronts you. All you can do is learn to live WITH it. And there will be moments like these that will bring grief back with a vengence and remind you of all that is lost. And it will suck. It does suck. And it’s ok to let it suck.

Still hard to believe.

Still can’t sing that hymn in church.

Still see you in her eyes.

Still find it easier to live in denial.

Still feel rushes of sadness overwhelm me.

Still think of you every day.

Still won’t eat at that place I got lunch the day you left.

Still remember how cold it felt to kiss you goodbye.

Still get mad at myself for feeling this way.

Still missing you.

still sucks.