I Will Not Say Goodbye
I am a gluton for punishment! Perhaps it was Mother’s Day yesterday. Maybe it was the Danny Gokey concert last week. I dunno. I think about Mike daily and usually it’s just remembering his face. Or the look in his eye….or something. It’s usually not “painful”…at least it’s not anymore. Those days during the first year? Yeah. That was tough.
Today was a little different. 
Recently, I discovered that my huge data storage drive was failing. For the past week I have been trying to recover precious files – basically pictures from Michaela’s birth to about January 2009 – anything that was on Mike’s computer, all of his music, his writings, everything…our tax returns. You name it. It was on this storage drive and last week I couldn’t access it. I took it to a local place and they were unable to recover anything. Finally I caved in and sent the drive to a data recovery place and today learned that IF they can do a full recovery, it will cost me $2400. The drive is in apparently pretty bad shape so today I have been dealing with these feelings that were spilling over from the weekend of just missing Mike to despair in wondering if I was losing some precious memories because I was too stupid to not back it up with redundant drives.
It begs the question…how do you put a price on your memories? As choked up about the cost I will incur in trying to salvage anything from this, I was frantically searching today for any pictures that could have been on that drive but I miraculously found elsewhere. I am happy to say that I did find some. And when I did, I was compelled to put them together in a video. The video below is a tough watch. It features the song “I Will Not Say Goodbye” by Danny Gokey – a song that he introduced the other night as the song that was written for his late wife, Sophia. This is the song that I asked him about.
During that week he got to see San Francisco, Monterrey, most of central California as we made our way south to spend a few days in the Los Angeles area. I got to take him to see the Pacific Ocean for the first time. He got to eat shark for his first time with me. His first visit to Disneyland was with me. We shared a dance in the parking lot at Universal Studios. George Strait’s “I Cross My Heart” blared over the stereo of my car as he held me close. It was in a word, magical.We had gotten to know each other fairly well over the previous 3 months – as well as two cyber-pen pals could. It was difficult to have a relationship that way. It didn’t take long for chat to get old. Our phone bills reflected that in a big way. We needed this time in person. Would the spark still be there? There is a lot to be said about chemistry and whether or not it could be replicated. And it was. It was a glorious 9 days.Then the day came when he had to leave and go back home to Pennsylvania. It was Valentines Day 1996. They let you walk people to the gate at the airport back then. He was to fly back home from LAX. It would be a long 4+ hour flight for him and a long days drive back home to Northern California for me. Saying goodbye was difficult. We didn’t want to say goodbye. We both cried. It was that moment when we both just knew for certain. It was wonderful and painful all at the same time.And it was a moment that I hadn’t thought of in a very long time. Why now? Then this song started to play…Well the world just lost two lonely peopleThe world just lost two broken heartsThe odds were against it but baby here we areIn our own little place in our own little cornerThis old cold world just got a little warmerFor the rest of my life I’m gonna hold you in my arms Chorus:And when they carve my stone all they’ll need to write on itIs once lived a man who got all he ever wantedTell me something who could ask for moreThen to be living in a moment you would die forIf I never get rich on what money can buyIt don’t matter to me and I’ll tell you whyI’ve got it all when I’m holding you this wayI’ll live to love you I’d die to keep youSafe inside these arms that need youI’ll be loving you with the very last breath I takeChorusBridge:Ashes to ashes dust into dustI’ll lay beside you forever in loveLast Chorus:And when they carve my stone all they’ll need to write on itIs once lived a man who got all he ever wantedTell me something who could ask for moreThen to be living in a momentLoving every minuteTell me something who could ask for moreThen to be living in a moment you would die forLiving in a momentI would die for (Living in a Moment by Ty Herndon)I think Mike wanted me to remember this. I think it was his way of telling me that maybe there is more to this day than meets the eye. I think he’s telling me that we’ve just gone back to that time 14 years ago. Separated by distance but not by love. ‘Til we meet again, my darling… Happy Valentines Day.I love you.
