My Name is Kris and I Blah-g

I’ve been thinking about Mike a lot today. I know, I know…AGAIN? Um..yeah. Well, story of my life these days, I guess. I’ve made it no secret that he enters my mind constantly on a daily basis. But usually I get some sort of reprieve when activities take my mind off of him. Thank goodness for keeping busy. But each day is different in that you never know what pattern of thoughts you’ll have. Each day is the same in that the thoughts always circle around him. Gads. He’s gotta be loving the attention! In some ways I am getting a little annoyed! Sheesh. Well, anyway..I was thinking a lot today and for a while there this morning I was really just SAD. I mean SAD SAD SAD! And I was on the verge of crying and it was like ALRIGHT ALREADY! So it’s like this battle I am having within myself because there are times when I feel absolutely nothing at all and that gets infuriating to the point that I will purposely go back to that night and imagine how he looked when I found him or I’ll think about the future we’ll never have or something horrible just so I’ll cry and feel something. I tell ya…that is no way to live. At least my goal this year is to make sure I am conscious of these moments because I tell you what I don’t want to be sitting here next January saying the exact same stuff as I am saying now and as what I said all last year. Yikes.So, when I want to feel “normal” I head over to the widow bulletin board to see how all the other spouse-less folk are doing and I’ll see if I am doing the same. And in some ways I can relate a lot but tonight I read some stuff where I differed. There was a post about hanging on to the “stuff” and how letting go of the stuff was too difficult and how for some people who were 2, 3, 4 years out from being widowed they still haven’t cleaned out closets, boxed up momentos, etc. because in doing so they feel like they are removing that person from their lives. And I can understand how they would feel that way and it kinda makes me feel like a heartless wench when I think about how I got Mike’s clothes bagged up within a couple months and how I sold his car 2.5 months after he died and how I never returned to our home. I made so many changes so quickly and then I have to step back and think, did I move to fast? I don’t think I did. I wanted that stuff out of the way as fast as possible. I couldn’t get things done fast enough. I kept being told to take my time on things like the headstone, the house, the car, etc. Why? So I can prolong the  agony? I am thankful that I don’t have to do that stuff now. I am glad I acted on the urge to do it when it was happening because I think having to step back into the house and clean up our lives would just be too much a year later.  Do I regret getting rid of things so quickly? No. Not really. I am sure that Mike may have some things to say to me one day about selling his car (oh well!). But in all honesty not having the stuff around has helped me in that I am remembering stuff that I had long forgotten. We made a lot of memories in those 13 years and I am remembering moments and conversations with a different clarity. What a gift!Of course there are a couple things that I cannot part with…Mike’s Titan hat that he got on our last vacation together sits on my shelf in my room. I look at it often and can see him wearing it. He loved that hat and he looked good wearing it – especially since for so long he thought he wasn’t a hat kinda guy but he just had to have that Titans hat! I kept most of his Titans momentos because he just loved that team. His Titans blanket belongs to Michaela now and whenever she wants a hug from Dad, all she has to do is wrap herself up in it. Mike’s iPod sits on his iHome dock. I won’t change it at all. It’s his music and it wakes me up each morning. So there are things….In the fall of 2007, I became obsessed with finding the Wii. I had to have one but you just could not find them in the stores. The online prices were crazy and it was just this huge challenge. But I still wanted one. As my birthday was getting closer, I told Mike that I wanted the Wii and how I was on this quest to get one. In fact on Black Friday there were a few places that had them and we had come up with a plan to send Mike and Michaela out to get one while I went on my yearly shopping spree with Mom and Debbie. Unbeknownst to me, Mike had already made plans. He went on his own little quest to find the Wii and he found one online that I later found out he paid WAY to much for. But anyway, he humored me on Black Friday and went out anyway only to report back later that he was unsuccessful. He told me later that he had called his parents because he was so happy that he had found this thing for me and how I was going to be so surprised. His mom thought that was pretty funny. A couple days later his Mom passed away. My birthday was spent without him. We had already paid for a trip to California to spend my birthday at Disneyland with my parents, sister and nephew. Mike was at the time, on leave from his job for his arm injury and had to do what he could to get the airline to fly him back to PA for his mom’s funeral. In hindsight, I wish I had known that I wouldn’t get to spend anymore birthdays with him…. So, we had our birthday “celebration” a few days later when he and I both got back into town and I WAS surprised! He was so proud of that Wii and so happy that he could give it to me. The Wii was as much a gift for me as it was for the whole family. We spent nearly every night that month of December playing those silly games. In fact, it’s hard to believe that exactly a month after he gave it to me he was gone. That’s so weird to think about.Anyway, there is a point to me writing about this. On the Wii, you can create what is called a “Mii”. You can customize it to look any way you want and we went ahead and made a “mii” that looked as close to what we thought we looked like. Mike made his look kinda weird and I never once thought it looked like him. To be honest, it looks most like Beavis from Beavis and Butthead. But Mike insisted that is what he looked like and that was going to be him. Fine. Michaela got a big kick out of boxing against her dad or bowling with him. When he died, the Wii was one of the first things we brought over to the new house because it was something that Michaela loved so much. Sadly, the game that I wanted so badly such a short time before was something I had no desire to play any more. But I knew that Michaela would find joy in that – especially since we kept Mike’s “mii” on there so that Michaela could play against him any time she wanted to.Recently I have had a renewed interest in the Wii. Dad got a new TV for Christmas this year and so I decided that we would move the Wii downstairs to the new TV so we’d have more room to play and it would be easier for more people to participate. In doing so, I got a Wii Fit for myself for Christmas. It’s been a fun thing to play the past couple of days. I am not sure if it will make much of a difference for me physically but I am willing to give it a shot. Today, I was doing my daily “work out” and I was participating in the short run. During this activity you have to run in place behind a guide. You run in a park setting with other “miis” running the pathways with you. Some of the miis are created automatically by the Wii and some of them were ones that we created. So, here I was running along and running towards me is the “Matt mii” and then the “Grandad mii”…and a little while later, a mii comes from behind my mii and passes me. It’s Mike. And unlike the other mii’s, this one interacted with my mii. The Mike Mii turned as he ran by and waved back at me. I about died. I laughed out loud and for the first time in 3 days I ran without getting tired. I ran to try to catch up to the Mike Mii but strangely he disappeared from sight. It was kinda wierd but I hope he passes me again tomorrow. Maybe I’ll catch him this time.

I’ve been unemployed now for almost 4 months. The unemployment checks will soon stop and I am finding myself in a sticky situation. The house hasn’t even had a nibble so my hopes of selling it before I run out of unemployment are dwindling. Now, I don’t get enough in unemployment to cover my whole house payment but it at least takes some of the edge off and I have managed to not dip into the life insurance at all this past year. That’s a good thing. The life insurance is currently being reinvested in my daughter and that is how I plan to keep it. It’s meant for her education and an occasional vacation and nothing more. The idea that I will have to use it to keeping paying on a house that I don’t live in is nauseating. But…I will do it if I must.Fall back plan….I was ineligible for the survivor benefit from social security last year because I was working and making too much money. When I called in September after I was laid off, I was told that I had made too much that year and to call back in January. January is here and today’s agenda included being on hold with the social security folks for about 20 minutes. I got through finally – gave my info and then was told that the request was entered and that I’d get a call back. So, the government is going to call me back…right away I guess I am supposed to believe. Yeesh. I have a feeling that I’ll be making another call in the coming days. But I’ve been patient this long..what’s a little longer?

Of course I knew that today would be hard. It was. I just had thought that I would kinda scoot through it relatively unscathed. I mean, that is how it was for most of 2008 – I was numb most of the time but to be honest, Valentines Day – piece of cake. Memorial Day? Pretty sad but could’ve been worse. 4th of July? No problem. Michaela’s birthday, our wedding anniversary, his birthday, my birthday…Christmas and New Year’s…I was certainly reflective. At times I was sad but tears didn’t get the best of me and it left me thinking that this wasn’t going to be so bad. I don’t know if my outlook was different or maybe I just didn’t care but getting through those things was ok. But then today showed up. I posted my earlier entry at the beginning of the day when things were going ok. I had been thinking about the 1 year mark for quite a while and it occurred me not too long ago that this day would land on Fast and Testimony Sunday. Would I be able to stand before the congregation at church? I am a big enough wuss as it is when it comes to bearing my testimony. What was I thinking when I thought I could have enough gumption to get up there in front of 300+ people on the 1st anniversary of my husband’s death? Delusions of gradeur…a lunatic…brainless. You name it. I am all of those things. I should have known when I sat down in the pew and saw that the first hymn we’d sing would be “Be Still My Soul.” I saw it in the bulletin and thought, it’s just a song. Did I mention that I was brainless? The song started and no sooner had we gotten to the middle of the first verse and the tears started to flow. They came fast and furious and by the Sacrament hymn I was a full on mess of red eyes, running make up and boogers. I couldn’t stop it. In desperation I asked Debbie for some tissue and she had none. All I wanted to do was fall beneath the pew and curl up and disappear. But out of no where, my daughter proudly announced that she had tissues in her bag. At least the sleeve of my shirt was saved. Thoughts of running to the bathroom for the 3 hour duration of church crossed my mind – more than once.The bishop stood to make his remarks and among them was his recollection upon his week. He got to spend lots of time at the temple this week being witness to a marriage of a young couple and to a sealing of an entire family. Of course, that brought me back to my day in the temple with Mike and Michaela 5 years ago. That was one of the happiest times of my life. I think the years of 2002 and 2003 were quite possibly my Cinderella years. I can’t believe that time in my life happened to me. I am so blessed that it did. I can’t remember what the sealer said that day. But I can remember the mirrors that were on all the walls of the room and the look in Mike’s eyes when I knelt across the alter from him and how I sobbed through my promises to him and how I could hear Michaela who was barely 1 year old at the time freaking out in the hallway crying. Those were happy times. But today those memories were rushing through my mind so quickly that I didn’t have time to smile because no sooner had the Bishop mentioned his experience in the temple this week that he moved on to tell the congregation that he had spent the morning with a fellow church member who is in the final stages of congestive heart failure. My thoughts turned to this man’s wife and how one day very soon she will be counted among those of us who are widowed. The preparations that she is getting right now probably won’t spare her the feelings of lonliness and dispair. I am sure when he goes, she will feel as much grief as I do. However, I can’t help but envy her for the time she has been given to be with him during his final days and how she will have the opportunity to relay to him all the things that she needs to before he goes. I am assuming that she will do this. I hope she does. I also felt envy for the man himself who in his weakness he found the strength to give the Bishop a message of hope that he wanted shared with those of us. He is prepared to leave this life and start his journey in the next. He will soon see the young son he lost years ago and I am sure countless other loved ones whom he’s missed for who knows how long. And the thought occured me to me just WHO will be on the welcoming committee when he gets there? I wonder if he’ll see Mike? How crazy would I be to run over to this man’s house and give him a message to pass on to Mike when he sees him. Um..YEAH. These where thoughts that flew through my mind at this moment. And while I tried to suppress this deranged lunatic who had taken over my body today in church, the time ticked away and before I knew it Sacrament meeting was over and I was exhausted. I never made it up to the front – THANKFULLLY because who knows what kind of crazy stuff I would have said, especially since they were recording the service for this poor man. The last thing this guy needs is me freaking out and him thinking that this is the type of person that his wife may become when he leaves this earth. Sorry dude. In exchange for the lonliness we feel, you get to stand helpless on the sidelines and watch it all happen. I guess that’s the trade off.Well, anyway…I was a mess today. I thought I’d do much better than I did and I have to admit I am a little disappointed in myself for not being more stoic. Maybe next year….HA! I think January 4th should become a national holiday. If not that, then I plan on taking that day off from now on. What a humdinger that was.I will say though that the cemetery visit went ok. The sub-zero temperatures dry out the tears pretty well and make for the lingering at the grave to be kept to a minimum. That was a relief. And the impromptu visit from my brother and his family was a nice surprise. I am grateful for the hugs and notes my nieces and nephew gave me. I know you guys read this so know that your expressions of love and the timing of your visit wasn’t lost on me. I am so thankful for all of you.Now, on to tomorrow…

I have given this day a lot of thought the past couple of months. Today marks the last of my “firsts”. And in all honesty, there is nothing I can say today that I haven’t already said. My sister asked me how I was doing. I am fine. I am the same today as I was yesterday – my first thoughts of the day are of Mike as are my last. If you have ever seen Groundhogs Day, then you get an idea of what it’s like to be a new widow. You relive every moment from the time you find out your spouse is gone over and over. Each time the sting of this reality gets to be a little less but then occasionally the grief socks you in the gut as a not so gentle reminder that your life is not going to be what it once was – EVER. And yeah, that part sucks A LOT. But what can I do? I can’t change the outcome. I can wallow some more and feel sorry for myself or I can try to live and hope happiness follows. And I think it will… Debbie says to expect to hear “how are you doing?” a lot today. I told her not to ask it. She asked it once and that’s all that is needed. I am OK. Not great. Not bad. I’m reflective and sad but hopeful. My one year freak out is over. Tomorrow, I’ll start anew (crossing fingers).Enjoy the photo above. It is one of my favorite pictures of Mike and definitely a wonderful memory.

I occasionally read the bulletin boards on a young widow website. I’ve been doing so for most of the past year. I went looking in search of other people like me just so I could feel that I wasn’t crazy and I wasn’t the only one feeling what I was feeling. I’m not. There are lots of others just like me – unfortunately. But what is interesting is that my outlook is a little different because so many of them are in such despair about the ending of their marriages or the different firsts they will experience without their spouses. And while I have certainly have had my moments of despair, it was mostly over what I had lost and the disintegration of all the plans that Mike and I had made. My sadness was compounded by the fear of facing my future alone – about starting completely over and losing what I thought was everything. But then I think about our marriage and I am not sad like the others and the difference is that I know that my marriage continues. By law, I am officially back on the market (and whoa, I am so not putting myself out there. NO THANK YOU!) but in the eternal sense, I am so very much married. We are still partners and although he isn’t here to walk this mortal path with me (which DOES make me sad), I have hope because I know that he is preparing our eternal home for us. Yeah, that sounds kinda out there maybe for some who may read this and think WHAT is she talking about? And to that I say, were your vows made until death or were they for all of time and eternity like mine were? Forever, baby. He’s stuck with me. And there’s the difference. So it is with sadness and sympathy that I read these poor fellow widow(ers) who are in such pain over the ending of their marriages. In their hearts they still feel connected but their faith separates them. And it doesn’t have to…So, here we are just hours away from 2009 and as I reflect upon these thoughts about marriage, I also find it difficult to not think about last New Year’s Eve – how we both went to bed angry and how by afternoon on the first day of 2008, he was aching for foregiveness and how by evening on that first day of 2008, he heard the simple prayer from his 5 year old little girl asking Heavenly Father to help her daddy get better. By the 2nd day of 2008, he was a new man – confident that he was going to get the help he needed and reassuring his skeptical wife – ME – that 2008 would end much better than 2007. Believe me, I reviewed THAT conversation a lot in 2008, sickened early on by the irony of his promise but now remembering it with a little bit of humility – we don’t always know what’s best for us, nor do we always have control over what comes next. Prayers are answered – even when we’re given an answer that we don’t want. It’s taken me nearly a year to accept that what was best for Mike and our marriage was for him to return to Heavenly Father and a place where he could be free from his addictions and the pain that drove him to them. I could have ended our marriage because of them but because he loved me, he chose eternity over time. Now, that is a love story….Now 2009 is nearly here and unlike the widows that are dreading not having that midnight kiss or the start of yet another year without their love, I  realize that Mike, in a round about way was right. 2008 is ending better in that there is hope where at the end of 2007, I had none at all. My new year starts on January 5, for on the 4th, I’ll mourn him desperately again. But I resolve to make each day from then on better than the one before it.  I love you, Mike. Happy New Year to you and all who went before you up in Heaven…

Christmas is fast approaching. As can be imagined, I have had lots on my mind – mostly how I would respond to my first holidays without Mike and if I’d even want to celebrate at all. I admit that the motivation to get into the Christmas spirit wasn’t all there at first. I was feeling pretty down in the mouth about a lot of things and to a certain degree feeling a little bit guilty at the notion that I should be spending this Christmas feeling sad but wanting to experience the joy instead. But then it dawned on me that doggonit, it’s CHRISTMAS! And I LOVE Christmas! Why should I just sit around and feel sorry for myself or force myself to make it a lousy Christmas because it is what people and myself expect I should be doing? It is the first Christmas without him after all. So, I decided that I wasn’t going to do that. It is certainly possible to celebrate the holiday and make it an enjoyable one not only for my daughter but for myself as well. Yet at the same time, remember Mike and continue to mourn his passing. I suppose that is the most difficult part of all of this – remembering that you have a life to live but are afraid do so in fear that by moving on, you’re forgetting the one you lost. Each day begins and ends with thoughts of him and I hope one day I will be able to forget the intensity of the pain this past year has brought me. With that being said, the best way to forget that is to remember the good. Thank goodness I was so prolific with the picture taking these past 13 years. I am so grateful to have the memories in tact to share with Michaela as I am sure as time marches forward, her memories of her father will fade. I will try to keep that from happening, of course but just in case, I’ll have things like this video that I prepared for this Christmas. I warn you now that if you watch it, have a tissue handy. It’s not an easy thing to see but it represents a history that is the Mike Fluck Family. Although Christmas is the celebration of the birth of our Lord, as I watch this video I am reminded of the legacy that Mike left and the love that he showed his little girl. I imagine that to be very much like how I am sure Joseph and Mary looked upon the Christ child. Merry Christmas, everyone.