Ya know, I’ve approached this 2nd year differently than the first. During the first year without Mike, I looked towards all the “firsts” with dread, anticipating the pain associated with recognizing a significant event without him for the first time. In hindsight, I would say that I built it up in my mind to be worse than it ended up being. Yes, there were moments of sadness but for the most part it was survivable. I was quite proud of myself actually. Then the 2nd year started and I decided that I was no longer this widow newbie. I had a year under my belt. I had weathered the storm, so to speak and I was now going to be the one people could turn to when they had a loss of their own – become the voice of experience and the supportive shoulder to lean on. Then moments like today happen when I realize that I just may need a little bit more time…or maybe this doesn’t really get any easier. Only the span of time coping with it gets longer.Today would have been Mike’s 38th birthday. And I am not feeling poetic about how it feels. I cannot provide any prose that would inspire. All I can simply say is that today I am sad. I look at that photo above taken 3 years ago today and I am angry that Michaela won’t just be helping Daddy blow out his candles this year, she’ll be doing it FOR him. He should be here. He should be driving us crazy with all of his desires for the latest gadgets and telling us how old he is now. He should be letting us fawn all over him because today is his day. But the truth is that we’ll remember him, yes. We’ll be grateful for having been part of his life and he apart of ours. But in the end of the day, the reality is we’ll be eating a birthday cake without him and standing over a cold stark grave. And yeah, I will put on the brave face for Michaela later when we do all this but for now…here on my blog, in the not so private moments of my mind, I am going to share with the world this….You don’t get over death. So don’t even try when death confronts you. All you can do is learn to live WITH it. And there will be moments like these that will bring grief back with a vengence and remind you of all that is lost. And it will suck. It does suck. And it’s ok to let it suck.
Still hard to believe.
Still can’t sing that hymn in church.
Still see you in her eyes.
Still find it easier to live in denial.
Still feel rushes of sadness overwhelm me.
Still think of you every day.
Still won’t eat at that place I got lunch the day you left.
Still remember how cold it felt to kiss you goodbye.
Still get mad at myself for feeling this way.
Still missing you.
still sucks.
I know that Michaela misses her Daddy. She doesn’t really express much emotion about it and hasn’t really at all in the time that he’s been gone. I think we’ve only had two meltdowns. The first was when her hamster Henry died which was not too long after Daddy. Too much loss? I am not sure. I think part of it was because I wouldn’t get her a new hamster (sorry but as cute as Henry was, he was kinda gross and I got stuck cleaning his cage – not gonna go there again). The 2nd was on our trip to Florida earlier this year. Our last family vacation with Mike was to Disney World in September 2007. Believe it or not, there was a lot of foreshadowing prior to that trip and in hindsight I know I was being prepared. I felt strongly then that it would be our last vacation together. It pains me to admit that now. But the inclinations that I was having then were too strong for me to deny now. I just knew. We returned to Disney World this past March. And it was a big trip. I had traveled alone with Michaela before but they were small 1-2 day trips so it was pretty easy. But this was a full week in Florida and by about 4 days into it we were both feeling the strain and we fell apart in each other’s arms crying over how we missed Dad. I know I instigated it. I always do when it comes to him because like her father, Michaela tries to avoid anything sad. She’d just rather not go there. In fact the day of his funeral she put her foot down and told me that we were allowed to cry at the funeral but once it was over, NO MORE. She wanted to spend what time she had left with his family celebrating her Dad and having a party. She was and IS a very insightful child. We had the party per her request and it was just what everyone needed. Still….she didn’t cry at the funeral. She faced it with bravery and was stoic much like her Dad. I am so opposite…I just have to let it out. Sometimes I wish she would just because I know that for so long Mike bottled things up and it wasn’t good. And I’ll leave it at that…So, she doesn’t cry for her Dad. But there are times when she mentions him out of the blue – often in fact. She freely requests to visit him and she loves to talk about the funny things he used to do. It’s healthy for her and me to talk about it. Her Dad was a great guy and he loved her very much. I don’t ever want her to forget that. But time is flying by. It’s only been about 22 months yet Michaela is 7 now and so much “older” than she lets on. I think back to that little girl in the blue dress that touched her Daddy for the last time at the funeral and I can’t believe she’s the same little girl. She keeps much to herself although I try to get it out of her. He was the same way and it drove me nuts. I usually found out how he felt after the fact – usually in something he’d write on his Myspace page or in a card…today I found a little note that Michaela had written to her Dad on his Facebook Page which I still keep active. It said simply, “I love Daddy.”*sigh* How can you NOT get choked up when you see something like that?! I miss him too, Michaela. More and more every day…
Ya know, I’ve approached this 2nd year differently than the first. During the first year without Mike, I looked towards all the “firsts” with dread, anticipating the pain associated with recognizing a significant event without him for the first time. In hindsight, I would say that I built it up in my mind to be worse than it ended up being. Yes, there were moments of sadness but for the most part it was survivable. I was quite proud of myself actually. Then the 2nd year started and I decided that I was no longer this widow newbie. I had a year under my belt. I had weathered the storm, so to speak and I was now going to be the one people could turn to when they had a loss of their own – become the voice of experience and the supportive shoulder to lean on. Then moments like today happen when I realize that I just may need a little bit more time…or maybe this doesn’t really get any easier. Only the span of time coping with it gets longer.Today would have been Mike’s 38th birthday. And I am not feeling poetic about how it feels. I cannot provide any prose that would inspire. All I can simply say is that today I am sad. I look at that photo above taken 3 years ago today and I am angry that Michaela won’t just be helping Daddy blow out his candles this year, she’ll be doing it FOR him. He should be here. He should be driving us crazy with all of his desires for the latest gadgets and telling us how old he is now. He should be letting us fawn all over him because today is his day. But the truth is that we’ll remember him, yes. We’ll be grateful for having been part of his life and he apart of ours. But in the end of the day, the reality is we’ll be eating a birthday cake without him and standing over a cold stark grave. And yeah, I will put on the brave face for Michaela later when we do all this but for now…here on my blog, in the not so private moments of my mind, I am going to share with the world this….You don’t get over death. So don’t even try when death confronts you. All you can do is learn to live WITH it. And there will be moments like these that will bring grief back with a vengence and remind you of all that is lost. And it will suck. It does suck. And it’s ok to let it suck.
