My Name is Kris and I Blah-g

I’ve been thinking about Mike a lot today. I know, I know…AGAIN? Um..yeah. Well, story of my life these days, I guess. I’ve made it no secret that he enters my mind constantly on a daily basis. But usually I get some sort of reprieve when activities take my mind off of him. Thank goodness for keeping busy. But each day is different in that you never know what pattern of thoughts you’ll have. Each day is the same in that the thoughts always circle around him. Gads. He’s gotta be loving the attention! In some ways I am getting a little annoyed! Sheesh. Well, anyway..I was thinking a lot today and for a while there this morning I was really just SAD. I mean SAD SAD SAD! And I was on the verge of crying and it was like ALRIGHT ALREADY! So it’s like this battle I am having within myself because there are times when I feel absolutely nothing at all and that gets infuriating to the point that I will purposely go back to that night and imagine how he looked when I found him or I’ll think about the future we’ll never have or something horrible just so I’ll cry and feel something. I tell ya…that is no way to live. At least my goal this year is to make sure I am conscious of these moments because I tell you what I don’t want to be sitting here next January saying the exact same stuff as I am saying now and as what I said all last year. Yikes.So, when I want to feel “normal” I head over to the widow bulletin board to see how all the other spouse-less folk are doing and I’ll see if I am doing the same. And in some ways I can relate a lot but tonight I read some stuff where I differed. There was a post about hanging on to the “stuff” and how letting go of the stuff was too difficult and how for some people who were 2, 3, 4 years out from being widowed they still haven’t cleaned out closets, boxed up momentos, etc. because in doing so they feel like they are removing that person from their lives. And I can understand how they would feel that way and it kinda makes me feel like a heartless wench when I think about how I got Mike’s clothes bagged up within a couple months and how I sold his car 2.5 months after he died and how I never returned to our home. I made so many changes so quickly and then I have to step back and think, did I move to fast? I don’t think I did. I wanted that stuff out of the way as fast as possible. I couldn’t get things done fast enough. I kept being told to take my time on things like the headstone, the house, the car, etc. Why? So I can prolong the  agony? I am thankful that I don’t have to do that stuff now. I am glad I acted on the urge to do it when it was happening because I think having to step back into the house and clean up our lives would just be too much a year later.  Do I regret getting rid of things so quickly? No. Not really. I am sure that Mike may have some things to say to me one day about selling his car (oh well!). But in all honesty not having the stuff around has helped me in that I am remembering stuff that I had long forgotten. We made a lot of memories in those 13 years and I am remembering moments and conversations with a different clarity. What a gift!Of course there are a couple things that I cannot part with…Mike’s Titan hat that he got on our last vacation together sits on my shelf in my room. I look at it often and can see him wearing it. He loved that hat and he looked good wearing it – especially since for so long he thought he wasn’t a hat kinda guy but he just had to have that Titans hat! I kept most of his Titans momentos because he just loved that team. His Titans blanket belongs to Michaela now and whenever she wants a hug from Dad, all she has to do is wrap herself up in it. Mike’s iPod sits on his iHome dock. I won’t change it at all. It’s his music and it wakes me up each morning. So there are things….In the fall of 2007, I became obsessed with finding the Wii. I had to have one but you just could not find them in the stores. The online prices were crazy and it was just this huge challenge. But I still wanted one. As my birthday was getting closer, I told Mike that I wanted the Wii and how I was on this quest to get one. In fact on Black Friday there were a few places that had them and we had come up with a plan to send Mike and Michaela out to get one while I went on my yearly shopping spree with Mom and Debbie. Unbeknownst to me, Mike had already made plans. He went on his own little quest to find the Wii and he found one online that I later found out he paid WAY to much for. But anyway, he humored me on Black Friday and went out anyway only to report back later that he was unsuccessful. He told me later that he had called his parents because he was so happy that he had found this thing for me and how I was going to be so surprised. His mom thought that was pretty funny. A couple days later his Mom passed away. My birthday was spent without him. We had already paid for a trip to California to spend my birthday at Disneyland with my parents, sister and nephew. Mike was at the time, on leave from his job for his arm injury and had to do what he could to get the airline to fly him back to PA for his mom’s funeral. In hindsight, I wish I had known that I wouldn’t get to spend anymore birthdays with him…. So, we had our birthday “celebration” a few days later when he and I both got back into town and I WAS surprised! He was so proud of that Wii and so happy that he could give it to me. The Wii was as much a gift for me as it was for the whole family. We spent nearly every night that month of December playing those silly games. In fact, it’s hard to believe that exactly a month after he gave it to me he was gone. That’s so weird to think about.Anyway, there is a point to me writing about this. On the Wii, you can create what is called a “Mii”. You can customize it to look any way you want and we went ahead and made a “mii” that looked as close to what we thought we looked like. Mike made his look kinda weird and I never once thought it looked like him. To be honest, it looks most like Beavis from Beavis and Butthead. But Mike insisted that is what he looked like and that was going to be him. Fine. Michaela got a big kick out of boxing against her dad or bowling with him. When he died, the Wii was one of the first things we brought over to the new house because it was something that Michaela loved so much. Sadly, the game that I wanted so badly such a short time before was something I had no desire to play any more. But I knew that Michaela would find joy in that – especially since we kept Mike’s “mii” on there so that Michaela could play against him any time she wanted to.Recently I have had a renewed interest in the Wii. Dad got a new TV for Christmas this year and so I decided that we would move the Wii downstairs to the new TV so we’d have more room to play and it would be easier for more people to participate. In doing so, I got a Wii Fit for myself for Christmas. It’s been a fun thing to play the past couple of days. I am not sure if it will make much of a difference for me physically but I am willing to give it a shot. Today, I was doing my daily “work out” and I was participating in the short run. During this activity you have to run in place behind a guide. You run in a park setting with other “miis” running the pathways with you. Some of the miis are created automatically by the Wii and some of them were ones that we created. So, here I was running along and running towards me is the “Matt mii” and then the “Grandad mii”…and a little while later, a mii comes from behind my mii and passes me. It’s Mike. And unlike the other mii’s, this one interacted with my mii. The Mike Mii turned as he ran by and waved back at me. I about died. I laughed out loud and for the first time in 3 days I ran without getting tired. I ran to try to catch up to the Mike Mii but strangely he disappeared from sight. It was kinda wierd but I hope he passes me again tomorrow. Maybe I’ll catch him this time.

So, the birthday and temple anniversary have come and gone and another milestone with them. I am now down the home stretch when it comes to the firsts without Mike and I can say with all honesty that they weren’t as bad as I thought they would be. It could be perspective. It could be that being sad is far more exhausting than trying not to be or…it could just be something else. Comfort from something higher than myself. It’s not to say that no tears were shed yesterday. There were. I had some extra time after my hair appointment and before I picked Michaela up from school so I used that time to go to the cemetery to sit with Mike for a while. And it was as you would expect…kinda lonely..kinda retrospective and pretty surreal. I think I’ve gotten used to the idea by now. The sting isn’t really there any more but there are still those moments that makes me go Whoa. Did this happen? Back to reality…it happened. And as I sat there by his grave, I just told myself that I was tired. I can’t do sad any more. So I’m gonna try harder not to be. I’ll have my moments, I am sure. But honestly, I am so over the sad part. I am ready for happiness.And the birthday part was a good start. Mom and Dad knew just what to do. Dad came home with a big bouquet of flowers and an anniversary card. Which was just lovely. And then Debbie came home so we could get the party started. We met up with Matt at Little America for dinner and then ventured over to Temple Square to take in the lights. It was Tuesday night so that meant every young men’s and young women’s group from every ward in the valley was there. I have noticed that as I get old I have little tolerance for teenagers. Boy, is Michaela in trouble! Ha ha. Anyway, other than teenagers in their own little world, the sights of the temple were agains something to behold. The night was chilly but not too bad. Mom was freezing, of course. But we had a nice little walk around the grounds before making our way back home.Michaela was eager to get the presents opened and she just couldn’t wait for me to open the presents she got for me.  In particular, Michaela just had to get me to open the sparkly gift bag first which had inside Santa Claus slippers that light up when you walk. Very cool. So cool that I wore them this morning when I took her to school. I got mystified stares from the kids and laughs from the teachers. It was pretty funny.I made another little slide show of pictures from last night including the infamous slippers. Check it out:37th-birthday

I wish on birthday candles much like I pray for things. And I must say that wishing on birthday candles has kinda paid off for me. I used to wish that I’d meet someone that would love me just as I am. That eventually happened. I made a wish one year that I would get proposed to. 3 weeks later, it happened. I may have been pushing my luck but December was usually a pretty good month for me so I started wishing for a baby. It took a few birthday wishes and a few years later, my birthday wish came true – again, on Christmas 3 weeks later, I found out that I was pregnant. I know I was pushing my luck but a year later, I wished that I could take my new family to the Temple (Yup, the one you see at the top of this page) so we could be sealed as a family forever. Well, that happened a year to the day later. So, wishes, like prayers can come true.It’s been a booger of a year – actually it’s been a booger of the past 3-4 years. I guess my wishes the past few years weren’t all that fervent because it seems as if they had all come to pass already. So, I suppose that this year I oughta make this one count. Because, you just never know…

Have you heard the phrase, “The Lord works in mysterious ways”? I am sure you have. And I suppose that’s true although I am not so sure it’s mysterious for me. I think a better word is SUBTLE. You hear about these people who have these great epiphanies or have their eyes opened in a sudden great way. I have wished and prayed for one of those to happen to me pretty much every day this year and lots of times in the past. And I am always left with the wondering of why nothing has ever happened. This morning at about 4 am I just suddenly woke up. I looked at the clock thinking that the reason I was awake was because I was eager to get to Kmart for their Thanksgiving sale. But as I lay there thoughts just came rushing into my head – stuff that I hadn’t thought of for a long time – memories with Mike, memories from before Mike, lots of stuff. It was almost like a quick version of this is your life and then it occurred to me that the chain of events that is my life at this point have prepared me for where I am at. Each one is a response to a prayer. And in these early morning hours of Thanksgiving, I am feeling somewhat little because of my lack of awareness and there is sorrow for not recognizing the events in my life for what they are. But most of all I am grateful for this knowledge today. If anything, I believe that if I can carry this moment with me, I may be able to get through these coming weeks with a little bit of comfort in knowing that this too shall pass and I will be better for it.

A year ago today my mother-in-law unexpectedly passed away. That moment paved the way for a series of events that to this day continue to rock my world. I blogged about her passing a couple days later, feeling foolish about the sarcastic Thanksgiving post I had written just the day before Thanksgiving last year. Now that 365 days have come and gone, here I sit in front of my computer contemplating just what to say. I’ve said a lot in the past week that perhaps has been confusing to some. Then I am gone and now I am back and really, what is going on with Kris, you may ask. It’s ok to admit that because I ask myself that question all the time. This is the part of my life right now that is frustrating as hell. There is no other way to describe it because just when I think I have a firm grip on my feelings, something comes in and tears the floor from out beneath my feet and I am down again. So, the pain comes back. The sadness creeps in and the anger takes over. Anger at how things are, yes but mostly the anger at myself for failing to keep it together and not be stronger. And there lies the root of what irks me. And it’s probably what drives some people away and it certainly is a factor at keeping others from trying to get closer. And that is a regrettably lonely place to be. It is a dark and scary place – a place that allows me to wonder, is death without me better than life with me?Now, before you go running to your phone to dial 911, take a moment to ponder that with me. I am not speaking about myself but wondering about Mike. If I am driving people away now, did I drive him away nearly a year ago? I posed that question to some family today. And I was greeted with a resounding and firm NO. It was probably about as big of verbal slap upside the head as I could get, particularly from my brother Jeff who I think for a moment I saw Mike in his eyes staring back at me. Kris, how can you even say such a thing? “If I knew anything about Mike,” Jeff said, “it was that he loved you more than anything.” Of course, I know that. But those are the type of the seeds of doubt that are planted in the brain of a widow who is in search of her soul and would like nothing more than the shoulder of a friend to lean on, or the beneign conversation you would get from a kind stranger or an “I love you” from a young niece (thank you, Maggie).What I say here isn’t meant to be an attack on anyone personally but merely an outlet for me to just let things go. And with that comes a tendency to let things fall out of my face without thinking about what that could mean to the people reading this blog. President Ezra Taft Benson spoke of the many faces of pride. In particular with pride being, “a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves. Most of us consider pride to be a sin of those on the top, such as the rich and the learned, looking down at the rest of us. There is, however, a far more common ailment among us—and that is pride from the bottom looking up.” Boy, I have been so down lately, I have no other direction to look other than up and in many ways I have watched with great admiration those who are able to go about their lives as usual while I still wallow in self-pity.President Benson also said that “another face of pride is contention. Contention in our families drives the Spirit of the Lord away. It also drives many of our family members away.” The last thing that I want is to be responsible for keeping family from living, laughing, loving, crying and sharing together. And I fear that my anger…MY PRIDE may have hurt those who, in their own way, were trying to reach out to me. For that, I can only say, I’m so sorry. I hope and pray that one day, you can forgive me for being so selfish and unaccepting of the hand you so clearly were holding out to me.For any others who just think this chick’s lost it totally, you’re probably right! But I’m trying to pull it together. The road hasn’t been easy and I don’t see too many easy pathways ahead but the part of Kris that was once so optimistic is still there. I am still capable of greeting a new day with a smile and even amidst some darkness, I can still find laughter. The ol’ girl is still there. I promise.

Ya know, I try not to complain too much. It’s not easy because you know I have a LOT to complain about. Gee. My husband is DEAD. He died, ok? I don’t live in my own home any more. I haven’t slept there since the night I walked in and found him. I had to sell almost all of my belongings. Can you imagine what it feels like to lay your whole life on the ground in front of your house and have total strangers try on your clothes right in front of you?  Or how about not getting one single offer on the house that you have up for sale? Or losing your job TWICE in one year? And being on unemployment and still having to pay a mortgage and hoping beyond hope that the life insurance money that you have set aside to pay for your daughter’s education won’t be used to pay for house you no longer live in? Or how about driving down the street and hearing a little voice coming from the back seat of your car saying “I miss Daddy”? Yeah, I have a lot to complain about. But I try not to.So if I express disappointment because I didn’t get tickets to a Christmas concert or because the wrong candidate got elected president, it’s only because I need to have some sort of outlet to get out all this penned up emotion. It’s not because I think any one is out to get me or that there is some secret We Hate Kris Society. It’s because with every fiber of my being, I am just trying to survive day to day and when I can, show my daughter and myself a little joy.