My Name is Kris and I Blah-g

I thought I’d look up what I posted last January and was disappointed to find that not only did I not post more than like 5 times last year, the only post that generated any type of conversation was the post about Poisonous Fish Testicles. Not that I do this to get people to talk to me because if I did, I am clearly failing in that department. Or as my 7 year old would say, it’s an “Epic Fail”. I blame her 20 year old cousin for teaching her that one! I hear it a lot! Thanks, I know! I just don’t need to have the reminders! So, this leads me to other epic failures of mine…resolutions. I don’t set them because I never seem to make any of them come to be. So this year I resolve to not resolve anything. I just plan to “be”. But, Kris! How are you supposed to grow and become a better person?? It’s called life, people… I don’t need resolutions to prove to myself that I can do anything or become anything because I simply just need to live it, do the best I can from it, learn from it if I can and at the end of the day, ask myself am I satisfied? Is that possible? I dunno. But it’s poetic. It sounds good. So I will give it a try.If I sound like a bumbling idiot, it’s probably because I have been awake since 5:30 on New Year’s Eve. Alone with my thoughts, which usually don’t make sense these days, I figured it was time I posted something since I hadn’t in a while. It’s been a busy month. It started out with my 38th birthday, a quick trip to Las Vegas to see Phantom of the Opera (which was excellent, btw), preparations for Christmas, Michaela’s holiday concert, shopping, entertaining the kid while she was on vacation, snow plowing, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, snow plowing, Matt’s birthday, New Years….did I mention plowing? Here is how lame I have become… I began this post this morning before 8. It’s now 10:22. In the middle of the 2nd sentence of this paragraph I heard someone outside moving snow and the first thought that came to my head was they weren’t going to leave enough snow for ME to move. So I leapt from my chair, pulled on my snow pants over my Tinkerbell jammies (yes, Tinkerbell), threw on my new snow cap over my bedhead, held it all down with my new goggles (which are so nice and such the fashion statement), put on my Chewbacca boots and gloves and ran down to the garage and jumped on the ATV before the neighbor could reach our portion of the sidewalk. I was out there for over an hour, pushing snow up the mountain past our house and two neighbor’s houses. Then I came back down the mountain to our house, cleared our two driveways and the sidewalks of 4 neighbors and driveways of two that live across the street. I am a glutton of punishment. My arms ache and most of my morning is gone. But I managed to chase the neighbor with the pansy riding lawnmower with a plow attachment back into his house while I ripped up and down the street on our new Yamaha Grizzly 400. If I was Tim Taylor, this is where I would grunt “Oh! OH! HO!”This is where you go, “Geez, Kris…WTF?!” (that’s “what the freak” people…this is a family blog!)So… yeah. This is how I end 2009 – Certifiably nuts and hell on wheels when behind a snow plow. As for the patches of grass that I ripped up this morning? Conveniently covered up with snow. Nobody will notice til Spring and even then I can blame it on someone else.You may ask what’s in the cards for 2010… And I can tell you that I have obsolutely no idea. I have no REAL goals as I mentioned before because I don’t do resolutions. To be honest, I don’t even want to start the new year until January 5. From now on every New Year’s is synonymous with Mike’s death. I can’t think of it without thinking what a terrible new year’s eve that was 2 years ago. And how 4 days later, he was gone. So, for me, the new year begins on Tuesday. Mom has told me that on Monday she is planning to distract me. This is good. I find that I get through these kinds of days better when I am doing something else.As for what comes next after January 4th, I don’t know what this year has in store. I hope that I can start to make sense out of life again. This 2 year fog is getting pretty old. I am ready to forge ahead, whatever that means. I look forward to watching Michaela finish the 2nd grade, celebrating my parent’s 50th wedding anniversary, celebrating Michaela’s 8th birthday and seeing her get baptized. I hope for continued success with my sister’s company so I can keep busy professionally. I would like to learn more about photography and take better pictures. I wouldn’t mind losing some weight. I don’t have a number in mind…but I’d like clothes to fit better and to not be disgusted with myself when I put on a bridesmaid dress for my best friend’s wedding later in 2010 or early 2011. I look forward to riding my new Schwinn that I got for Christmas and I hope to do a little bit more traveling this year. Other than that, my needs are simple…. just breathe!Happy New Year!

Upon reviewing my blog stats I learned that the most popular post seems to be about Kung Fu Panda… Wow. I am so uninteresting. Well, my previous most popular post was about how old the stars of The Princess Bride have become. I had to disable the picture in that post because I was getting annoyed by all the traffic. I am not sure what I’ll do with Kung Fu Panda. Anyway, it’s weird that what drives folks here is that. But whatever…Yesterday, I blogged about listening to our song – the one that Mike picked out for us nearly 13 years ago. It was a bittersweet moment and I feel like I weathered the moment well. My mom on the other hand was sad to read my post and told me last night how sorry she was that I had had a sad day. Thanks, Mom. But it really wasn’t that sad. I do admit that I go through funks frequently. I have read about this new life I have as a widow. There are peaks and valleys (mostly valleys) that I will experience. It’s exhausting. I have done a lot of thinking this week as I passed the 7 month mark and have decided that although I will have moments of sadness for the rest of my life I have just got to stop making that sadness a focal point of my existance. I am just tired of being sad. I am tired of thinking about that day. I don’t want my thoughts consumed by what is just a small moment of my time with my husband. Listening to that song yesterday reminded me of how great things where. Memories that I haven’t had for a while flooded back. I remember the night he had me listen to that song the first time. I remember engraving our wedding rings with its title and I remember Mike cuing the song to begin the moment that we were pronounced husband and wife. Those are some dang good memories and I love thinking about them because I realize that despite all the pain and all the junk that built up in the past couple of years leading up to this moment, Mike loved me. He loved our family and he’s waiting for us – no matter how long it takes. And that makes me feel good. I look forward to the reunion. Although I hope it’s not for a very long time. Because… I have some living to do.With that being said, I have decided to set some August resolutions for myself:

1. Stop being a poop
2. Take the moments I need to for sadness but give my self limited time to be sad. I will replace those moments by remembering the good ones – and there were many.
3. Date night – have it, at least weekly. This one is tricky. This is something I wanted to do with Mike for as long as I can remember and despite my efforts to start it or hint to him that we should make it a habit, it never happened. No more. From here on out, I will have a date night with… my daughter. Tonight we’re painting the town red – probably end up at Claires buying earrings that look like ice cream cones.
4. Take time for fun. Are you sensing a theme? Michaela had it right. When we had Mike’s funeral she told most of us that we could be sad at the funeral but once it was over, we had to stop. She was going to throw a party and there was no sadness allowed. We had the party and honestly, it was a blast. Who would have thought? What a kid! She’s brilliant. I’m taking her to Disneyland, doggonit.
5. Get out of my rut… Every day is the same. 5:30 – wake up. 6:30 – wake Michaela up and feed her breakfast and pack my lunch. 6:40 – leave for work. 7:00 – 4:00 sit at work and sneak a time to blog (ha ha). 4:00-4:30 drive home. 4:30 – bedtime sit at home and surf the internet, or watch TV or go to Walmart and wander around. This is my life every day. Not fun. I resolve to do something different each day. This one will be a tough one!

Anyway, this is a start… I am trying to be positive and I am eager to see the difference. Life is too short, folks. It’s true. It can all end at any time. You just never know.