My Name is Kris and I Blah-g

6 months ago I blogged about what would have been my 13th wedding anniversary. Then I stopped blogging. I spent the last couple of months of 2010 being enveloped by a dark cloud mostly consisting of anger and depression. It really hit me on Mike’s birthday in November and then didn’t let up until after the 3rd anniversary of his death in January. Truth be told, life isn’t much different than it was 3 years ago. The only difference is that the sting of his passing isn’t as painful as it once was, I am no longer shocked to know that he’s gone and I don’t expect him to come walking through my door anytime soon. Honestly, my day to day living doesn’t include sitting here pining away for him. Part of that makes me sad because I want to hold on to that part of our marriage that was wonderful. But part of me is relieved. It’s exhausting to mourn. I’m tired of it. I am sick of being sad. And I’m so wanting to be over being mad at him.

So… I have been putting my energies elsewhere. I am still at home helping my mom. Her recovery from her stroke has been long and difficult – mostly for her, not me. It has taxed my patience though. There are times when I feel like I have none. But I have to remember she’s starting many things over from scratch. She is frustrated and angry too. It’s very hard for her to resign herself to the fact that things can’t get back to the way they were and she needs someone here to do the basic necessities because honestly she’d just forget to do it otherwise. So, I’m it. She gets her medicine, breakfast and her bathing from me. From wake up to lunchtime it’s just us. Then Dad comes home and takes over – just in time for me to pick up the kid from school and do a different kind of mothering.

Speaking of the kid, she’s grown – A LOT – this year. I hardly recognize the little girl anymore. She’s turning to such a young lady. She’ll be a flower girl in her first wedding this May and is very excited. This morning we went to a bridal store to pick out her dress and get it pinned for alterations. She’ll have shoes dyed to match too. I got a brief glimpse today of what it will be like to go prom shopping and someday, wedding dress shopping with her.

Let’s see…what else is new?? Well, the weight loss thing… I started on this journey in January of last year. I was doing really good until about Mid-May when Mom got sick. By that point I had dropped about 42lbs. And then things just came to a screeching halt. I stopped going to the gym as I couldn’t leave Mom alone for extended periods of time and finally by the time I could, I had gotten out of the habit. I was fortunate that I only gained back about 5lbs but I knew that when the new year got here again this year, I would really want to step it up again so I can at least reach my goal by this May. Will it happen? I dunno. As of this morning I am down about 11lbs since the first of the year. That’s good but not GREAT. I see-saw give or take about 2 lbs. The good news is that when the rubber band stops bouncing, I am usually lighter than I was before. It’s just not by a lot. But I’ll keep trying. I am drinking water and trying to not eat a lot and I am going to exercise. I HOPE that I can be where I want to be by the wedding in May. No. NOT MY WEDDING. Ugh! As if! Look at that picture above? That wedding the kid is in, I am in too but I am a bridesmaid and I want to look good in my dress. Seriously I didn’t even try this hard for my own wedding. Hmm.. wonder why that is? *shrug*

Okay so the big BIG news of this year is that I will be going on the Rick Springfield cruise in November. Hence the reason for the new look to the site. I intend on blogging from the ship (if I can get an internet connection) and sharing my experiences with the world (and the family back home). This is a mega-big deal for me so be happy for me! I am pretty excited and so is Michaela who will be my companion. Mommy & Daughter are going on an adventure and we couldn’t be more excited!

Between now and then, however I have a wedding in May, front row (!!!!) tickets for Rick Springfield in June, a trip to California with Michaela to visit with some friends in July, a possible trip to Mike’s family in August and Michaela’s 9th birthday to look forward to. It’s going to be a busy 2011.

Dear Mike,

I’ve thought about what I would say to you if I could see you again. I have considered writing you a letter which is kind of weird because where would I mail it? You’ve been gone now nearly 21 months. That in and of itself is hard to believe. Today I recognize a 2nd wedding anniversary without you. And I’m doing ok. I can be all poetic about the irony of celebrating a wedding anniversary without a spouse or I can lash out in anger in the injustice of how I lost you. But today I feel peace which is something I haven’t felt for a very long time. Perhaps I am coming to grips with my new life. Perhaps I have learned to accept it. Or simply…I have learned to live with it. They call it “finding a new normal” but I don’t see anything normal about it all. How can a person understand the depths of my sorrow unless they’ve walked in my shoes? How can I explain that I not only mourn YOU, the person but I also mourn the loss of my life’s goals, my identity of who I once was, the companionship I used to have and that love…the love I saw like when I looked into your eyes 12 years ago today and vowed to love you forever. It is a mighty black fog to wander in. You can’t see to take a step forward let alone a hand in front of your face. Grief is blinding. But in the midst of that darkness is hope. I can honestly say that now. Sure I will have days when I can fall back into a funk and feel sorry for myself but something has happened that gives me something to hold on to during those moments.

A couple weeks ago I was driving alone in my car. And I was letting my mind wander which is something I oft do. There are really only two places where I can really feel alone with my thoughts. One place is the bathroom and yeah, I think about you a lot in there because it was your favorite room of the house. And the other is my car. I talk to you a lot there. And I cry a lot there – or..at least, I used to. Not so much any more which is good because it’s hard to drive when you’re crying. But I digress…not too long ago I was driving and like many times before, you were on my mind. And I wasn’t thinking anything in particular…just that I missed you and wished you were here. And then I felt it. Love. IMMENSE LOVE. It was just like that day 12 years ago today. It felt like this:

I remember this moment 12 years ago today. I remember giving you that smile. Your face was flushed with happiness, nervousness and mostly relief because by this point the hard part of that day was over and we were ready to start our lives together. I remember the look in your eyes. I remember how your hands were shaking when I held them. I remember how you didn’t want to ride that tractor but I made you do it.

That’s love, baby. And in the middle of the freeway, doing 70 mph and not thinking anything in particular, that feeling enveloped me. 21 months…. it took you long enough! But I am grateful anyway. You managed to find a way to let me know. Thank you for the early Anniversary Gift…now if you can send a little more of that my way today, that’d be great.

Happy 12th Anniversary, hon…

Love your eternal partner,

Kris

Endings… Yesterday was a tough day. I kinda figured I’d feel somewhat emotional at the funeral but I wasn’t prepared for the feeling I had as I walked into the chapel. My heart started to beat harder, I felt a little shaky and it was unnerving. A friend came up and said hi and asked how I was doing. I told her that I felt a little weird but otherwise ok. Looking back I’d say that was a total lie. I wasn’t ok. The flashbacks to a year ago were vivid and real. This was going to be difficult. The music being played helped and we had several minutes to wait before things got underway. But things soon did get going and before I knew it we were instructed to stand as the coffin and subsequent parade of family filed into the chapel. I tried not to look at them because I remember all to well having all eyes on me. It was uncomfortable to say the least. Seeing the pity reflected in people’s eyes doesn’t inspire confidence that I would have liked to have had that day.The service was kinda long yesterday but it was to be expected. Carlos was a well loved and respected man with 9 surviving children, 30 some odd grandchildren and a great grandchild. This of course didn’t include his 6 siblings and countless other relatives. Let’s just say the family took up the main part of the chapel while the rest of us were sitting in the cultural hall. That’s ok though. It’s how it should have been. The tributes were lovely. Carlos deserved all of them. However I could not stop the feelings of envy as I listened to how many times Carlos faced death in the past 27 years. He had fought heart disease for nearly 3 decades and had had many chances to cross to the other side and yet his family was given – even up to the very end – every opportunity in the book to be with him, love him and say their goodbyes. Carlos got to go on his own terms and he accomplished the list of things that he wanted to do before he died. According to family he did all of them. And when it became apparent that his time was really drawing to a close, he waited for all of his children to be there before he went. How wonderful for him and how fortunate for his family. I know they are grateful for they said so. But as all of this was coming to light, I could not help but feel completely sorry for myself and for Michaela. Carlos’ children all paid tribute to their father in some way. They had so many wonderful things to say and all hoped that his influence would enable them to be better people. All I could think about was that Michaela probably won’t be able to say any of that about her father. If I am lucky, she will have some fond, yet foggy and vague memories of him but let’s get real. Whenever I try to remember things when I was 5 years old, not too many memories surface. I can barely remember yesterday let alone 32 years ago. What will she take with her as she moves on in her life? Suddenly the weight of responsibility was feeling heavier and it was all on me. I am the one who is going to have to shape this person. What will she say about me at my funeral? This burden is heavy….. we are all given opportunities to make our choices. They ARE our own. But our choices can impact other people and change their lives forever. I think about that a lot. In the beginning there was so much anger. And to a much lesser degree, I have moments when I would love the opportunity to give Mike a piece of my mind for putting me into this situation. But I have to also wonder…is there anything that I could say to him that he hasn’t already thought himself? I can’t begin to fathom what things must be like. On one hand, we’re told that the peace and light of the other side is wonderful. But on the other hand, we may not take any possessions with us, but I would have to say that we’re all here for a reason and that’s to learn and we take with us the lessons we learned in life and I think a big part of that is regret. So, I was a big giant snot ball at the funeral. And I suppose for people who don’t know me or my situation, they must have thought that I was grieving Carlos in a pretty big way. But let it be known that although I am sad for his family for having to miss such a guy, I am happy that Carlos is free of his pain. He’s at peace now and all is well. The feelings are still raw and will be for a while. But it’s not about just one thing. Grief encompasses the loss of my love, the loss of my identity, the guilt for not finding a way to prevent it from happening and the sorrow for just imagining how he must feel too. I think I may have to steer clear of funerals for a while…so, to all my loved ones… no dyin’… I don’t think my heart could take it.Beginnings...This was only the first half of my day yesterday. The next half was a visit to the Temple – my first since Mike’s death. I wasn’t sure what to expect while I was there. This was Katy’s special day and it should have all been about her. But yeah..I have my own selfish reasons for going. It was a good experience but I guess not what I expected or hoped for. I was asked if I had felt peace at all afterwards and I said that I didn’t know. I was mainly distracted by the moment seeing my niece go through for the first time – the look of wonder and emotion that she had. My other niece was there and she stood by her new husband. She glowed and looked so happy – there is so much ahead of them. My brother wept while he stood with his family. My dad sat close by my mother. And I stood alone staring up at the tall ceiling and the sparkling chandelier that hung in the center of the room. Peace? No. Not yet. Feeling more alone than ever? Yup. It sucks. I think I’ll have to return to the Temple again soon but I’ll need to do it alone. I think it’s the only way…Dreams… I haven’t dreamt much of Mike at all. In the beginning I was afraid to. That soon turned to just aching to see him again. First to remember my dreams is rare anyway. Even more rare is to have a dream with him in it. I think I may have only had one or two this past year and the dreams were your typical silly dreams. They usually made no sense and he was just there and there was nothing special about it because the thought that he had died never even existed within the dream. But last night’s dream was different. As dreams go, this one was just as weird as any other. I feel like the dream was directed by Tim Burton. They’re quirky and strange and sometimes the serious is dealt with such irreverence that you can’t help but laugh. So, to have a dream that began with a vision of Mike in his coffin, I knew the dream would be one to reckon with. I’m not going to get in to too many details. Because I am not sure the dream means anything at all. There is no rhyme or reason to why the dream started the way it did and why it proceeded to take such a strange turn. But this was the first time in a year that I had dreamt of him that also included his death. And what’s interesting to note is that in my dream I was talking to him and he was talking as if he had no clue as to what had just happened. I was feeling such guilt because the things he was mentioning didn’t even exist anymore and all of us had moved on to different lives without him. In the dream, I was trying to tell him this. And then the last thing I said was, “Mike, you died four years ago.” And then came the look on his face. That look when the lightbulb goes off but you’re too stunned to react to it. It was at this point that I must have emerged from a deep sleep because I started to get a sense of my actual surroundings as morning was dawning. Michaela was starting to stir and all I wanted to do was get back into that sleep so I could get back to my dream and explain things to him and help him understand so he’d be ok with it. But I never did get back to sleep. I woke wondering the significance of the four years because it’s only been one. …Dreams are exhausting and infuriating. They rarely make sense. They hardly are enjoyable. And for some reason, sometimes they are what we cling to.  I will say that the four years comment provided me a little clarity. I won’t wax philosophical about it but I will say that it all takes root in the decisions we make. From now on, I think I’d like to go back to those silly Napoleon Dynamite kinda weird dreams and leave those Tim Burton ones to Johnny Depp to act out!