My Name is Kris and I Blah-g

6 months ago I blogged about what would have been my 13th wedding anniversary. Then I stopped blogging. I spent the last couple of months of 2010 being enveloped by a dark cloud mostly consisting of anger and depression. It really hit me on Mike’s birthday in November and then didn’t let up until after the 3rd anniversary of his death in January. Truth be told, life isn’t much different than it was 3 years ago. The only difference is that the sting of his passing isn’t as painful as it once was, I am no longer shocked to know that he’s gone and I don’t expect him to come walking through my door anytime soon. Honestly, my day to day living doesn’t include sitting here pining away for him. Part of that makes me sad because I want to hold on to that part of our marriage that was wonderful. But part of me is relieved. It’s exhausting to mourn. I’m tired of it. I am sick of being sad. And I’m so wanting to be over being mad at him.

So… I have been putting my energies elsewhere. I am still at home helping my mom. Her recovery from her stroke has been long and difficult – mostly for her, not me. It has taxed my patience though. There are times when I feel like I have none. But I have to remember she’s starting many things over from scratch. She is frustrated and angry too. It’s very hard for her to resign herself to the fact that things can’t get back to the way they were and she needs someone here to do the basic necessities because honestly she’d just forget to do it otherwise. So, I’m it. She gets her medicine, breakfast and her bathing from me. From wake up to lunchtime it’s just us. Then Dad comes home and takes over – just in time for me to pick up the kid from school and do a different kind of mothering.

Speaking of the kid, she’s grown – A LOT – this year. I hardly recognize the little girl anymore. She’s turning to such a young lady. She’ll be a flower girl in her first wedding this May and is very excited. This morning we went to a bridal store to pick out her dress and get it pinned for alterations. She’ll have shoes dyed to match too. I got a brief glimpse today of what it will be like to go prom shopping and someday, wedding dress shopping with her.

Let’s see…what else is new?? Well, the weight loss thing… I started on this journey in January of last year. I was doing really good until about Mid-May when Mom got sick. By that point I had dropped about 42lbs. And then things just came to a screeching halt. I stopped going to the gym as I couldn’t leave Mom alone for extended periods of time and finally by the time I could, I had gotten out of the habit. I was fortunate that I only gained back about 5lbs but I knew that when the new year got here again this year, I would really want to step it up again so I can at least reach my goal by this May. Will it happen? I dunno. As of this morning I am down about 11lbs since the first of the year. That’s good but not GREAT. I see-saw give or take about 2 lbs. The good news is that when the rubber band stops bouncing, I am usually lighter than I was before. It’s just not by a lot. But I’ll keep trying. I am drinking water and trying to not eat a lot and I am going to exercise. I HOPE that I can be where I want to be by the wedding in May. No. NOT MY WEDDING. Ugh! As if! Look at that picture above? That wedding the kid is in, I am in too but I am a bridesmaid and I want to look good in my dress. Seriously I didn’t even try this hard for my own wedding. Hmm.. wonder why that is? *shrug*

Okay so the big BIG news of this year is that I will be going on the Rick Springfield cruise in November. Hence the reason for the new look to the site. I intend on blogging from the ship (if I can get an internet connection) and sharing my experiences with the world (and the family back home). This is a mega-big deal for me so be happy for me! I am pretty excited and so is Michaela who will be my companion. Mommy & Daughter are going on an adventure and we couldn’t be more excited!

Between now and then, however I have a wedding in May, front row (!!!!) tickets for Rick Springfield in June, a trip to California with Michaela to visit with some friends in July, a possible trip to Mike’s family in August and Michaela’s 9th birthday to look forward to. It’s going to be a busy 2011.

FINALLY!!! Seriously, folks I was thinking I was going to go ballistic if I didn’t hit this number. I surpassed it by about .2lbs but I am just going to call it an even 35 for now because as we all know and as my rantings can attest, the scale has a mind of its own! Who knows what it will say tomorrow!? But for today it said A LOT and to see that number dip just below a certain point had the semblance of sweet victory for me. And it’s just what I need to keep the momentum going and try to double my results.This week hasn’t been that great in the work out dept. I injured my upper left leg the other night. I wish I could say it was from something really cool like kicking @$$ on the dodgeball court last Saturday (which for an old gal, I guess I did) but that wasn’t it. The great injury occurred when I (wait for it…..), went to kneel on the ground so I could put together a shelf for my sister. Yup. All I did was try to get on the ground. Instead I felt a pop and I yelped with pain. It’s sore but I don’t think it’s lasting. The ol’ time o’ the month reared her ugly head (FINALLY!) the other day and then couple that with the pulled muscle, I called it a day on exercise yesterday and today. I kinda feel guilty about that. Funny how that is. But the good news is that I am chaperoning a field trip with 2nd graders today and we’re doing some walking so I will not feel THAT guilty! I’ll get my exercise in somehow and then get back on the wagon tomorrow.Real quick…dodgeball. I played for two hours last Saturday and I reaped the rewards of sore muscles for THREE DAYS afterwards. I could move and all but woo! It hurt to do so. I hadn’t played it since I was in 6th grade and man, they play it differently these days. SIX BALLS! And they are coming at you from all directions. It can get pretty violent and I must say it is an excellent way to relieve some of that pent up aggression. Who knew I had any? I would LOVE to play again this Saturday but I have a pressing family engagement that I must attend. BUT… I will be back next week. You can bank on that. Hopefully the soreness won’t happen this time!

Honestly, I don’t have much to say other than I don’t think I have ever met a more fickle thing than my bathroom scale. It boggles my mind as to why it behaves the way it does. Per my last post, I just sprinted on by the 30lb mark and hit 31 without blinking an eye – much to my delight. But there I have sat for over a week, the scale bouncing back and forth between 31 pounds to 31.2, 31.4 and back to 31lbs. It has been frustrating.Couple that with the intense stomach pain that I was experiencing on Friday (I won’t get into details but someone explain to me why when you start to eat right your digestive system freaks out!), and the fact that my impending visit from Aunt Flo (I know, TMI! It’s my blog so get over it) and it’s no wonder that I am not seeing any big changes in the scale. Speaking of Aunt Flo, I know it must be coming at some point because I just can’t get enough of chocolate. My sister and I went out to a candy factory yesterday so we could pick up samples of some candy that we hope to have at our parent’s wedding anniversary party in August (yeah, August. We’re big planners). Anyway, we got like $25 worth of candy – all of it wonderful and I swear I can hear it calling to me… Kriiiiisssss! EAT ME!! Seriously? One thing that I have been pretty proud about is my ability to stave off temptation but then the monthly visitor starts to rear her ugly head and and seriously? If you were a chocolate bunny, I’d bite your head off!So needless to day, I ate a few too many pieces of chocolate yesterday but then this morning I got on the scale expecting no movement other than a gain and it was .6lbs LOWER! I know…I know…it’d have to take a lot of chocolate to make me gain it all back in a course of 12 hours but this is what this new lifestyle does to you…it makes you crazy and irrational. The good news is that I am not

D Y I N G!

This diet thing really isn’t much of a diet so it hasn’t been a huge sacrifice. I just simply pay more attention now and find that it’s not that hard to say no or to opt for water instead of soda. I also have found that I enjoy the exercise even though some days it’s hard to get my butt to the gym but once I am there I like the solitary feeling I get when I just plug myself in to my iPod and get lost in my thoughts and the music. I also have found that if I don’t go, I really feel like I am missing part of my day. Wow…whodda thunk it?

So, I am now closing in on 33lbs lost and it’s all good. I bought a skirt last night that was 2 sizes smaller than I would have purchased only a couple months ago and that was a wonderful feeling.

So, I bit the bullet and decided to join a gym. Having worked out consistently for the past 4 months, I figured it was time. Besides, I was getting tired of dodging the old people a the mall. I was also wondering if just doing the walking thing was enough. I had proved that I could keep with it and since I am *THIS* close to breaking the 30 pound mark, I figured I had the incentive and perhaps varying the workout I was doing would be enough to jolt the ol’ body into giving up some more of the weight.I had been checking out the ellipticals and thought it would be “fun” to try them out. I already know that I don’t like treadmills. I own one. It’s collecting dust in the garage. If I am going to walk, I had better be going somewhere. I dunno. I’m weird that way. So while my sister decided to stick to the treadmill, I hopped on the elliptical ready for some “fun”. First, to use an elliptical you must be coordinated. Your arms swing back and forth and your legs do this kinda running, climbing thing. It was a weird combination for me and it quickly got out of hand. In minutes I was gasping for air. I was clearly doing something wrong and it felt like all eyes were on me. What is that bozo doing on the elliptical? Somebody get her off of there before she hurts herself or worse, hurts one of us! That was the longest 5 minutes ever. I managed to stop the thing and nearly spilled out on to the floor – my legs were like jelly and I was sure I was walking like a drunk. I am clearly NOT READY for the elliptical.I headed to the stationary bikes and picked out one. Let’s just say it now. I am a novice with the whole gym thing. I figured what damage could I do on a bike that doesn’t move? Plenty. First I didn’t know how to turn it on. The older lady next to me kindly told me to just start peddling. Of course. Thank you. About 10 minutes into it I was starting to get really tired of my knees hitting the handlebars and I was still feeling the effects of the elliptical. I had gasped any moisture from my throat while I was on the thing that I was now in a fit of coughing and it was all I could do to not drink the whole bottle of water that I had with me. I was sure that my exercising neighbor (that kind lady who thinks I am a total moron) was thinking that I was ill. But she took pity on me. She pointed to the lever under my seat and told me to move it back. Thanks to her, I think I may have spared my knees any bruising. The coughing, however I couldn’t control. It continued for the entire 25 minutes I was on the bike. I figured I had tortured the lady long enough and decided to move on.::: Cue the Jaws music :::Next up was a little weight training. I swigged back some water and stared at a couple machines to figure out what to do next. I bypassed the pull up machine because lets face it, I had already made a fool of myself enough today. I opted for the weight machine that would work the arms. My arms definitely need it. With the nearly 30 pounds lost, I have discovered that I am developing wings. I could take flight at any moment people! It took a few reps to find a weight that was good for me – basically the weight of the handle bars and nothing more. A few reps later and then I was on the abdominal machine. All I can say about that is that I know I looked as stupid as I felt doing it. There is surely no way that machine helped anything. By this time I had been at the gym nearly an hour. I was ready to call it a day.Elliptical Machine = 1Kris = 0Maybe I should stick to walking…

I found my waist today. And it’s not where I thought it was…So, I am not faithful in measuring my body parts. Frankly, it’s depressing. And when I did measure them in the beginning, I only measured one part – my waist. I was determined to one day have my pants fall down while I was walking. I know! I’m weird. Anyway, the books and articles all say that when you measure your waist, you measure the “smallest” part which is usually about 2 inches or so above your belly button. Well, for me, my “smallest” part was the area around my belly button. I figured, hey…I’ve been pregnant, let things go after birthing the baby, my belly button just is a little further south than it used to be. This must be my waist.This morning after my shower I was shocked to discover that my “smallest” part was no longer the circumference around my belly button area. I was alarmed to see that where once sat a set of four spare tires, I had what is appearing to be an hour glass shape. *Gasp* THAT’S my waist? Eek! Well, yeah…I’m NOT publishing any numbers…my spare tires are shifting (I think two are now around my hips and part of another is taking refuge in my triceps). I am seeing progress and those pants that fall down? Nearly there folks… I have at least one pair that are super close to causing me a fit of public embarrassment if I continue to wear them to the mall for my morning walks.

If you heard something strange this morning, that was just me stepping on the scale and shouting for joy. Now, ordinarily the number staring back at me wouldn’t be something to shout for joy about. In fact, after today, it’s now my most hated number. HA HA…but at this moment, it’s time to celebrate as today I officially hit 25lbs on the weight loss scale. I was hoping that it’d be this week and it was! Yay!Another thing that is new for me is that clothes are starting to fit weirdly on me. I spent a frustrating morning trying to get ready for church finding that most of the tops that I was putting on were now too big. This is great news on many levels but on others I got me started on facing my biggest fear – having Ethopian boobs by the time this is over with. Egads..the lot of that just deflates me any way but knowing that my built in life preservers may shrink to raisins is just not what I was banking for. As I keep on with this diet of mine, I keep picturing myself as that weird water balloon thing that they sell in novelty stores…you can squeeze it and it just flies from your hands….well, with me I feel like I am being squeezed from my ears and my ankles and all that STUFF that made me ME, is all gathering at my waist line. It’s difficult to put into words but the essence is that it feels like the weight is shifting and it’s all going to the middle. Push me over and I think I’d actually roll in a straight line now. Ugh. Ok….but seriously, 25 pounds is a good milestone. It’s proves that I can do this. It’s taken 2 months and I think that isn’t too shabby. And it’s got me thinking….if I can lose the first 25 in 2 months, can I lose the next in another two? That means that by the latter part of May I could be staring down a 50 pound weight loss and wouldn’t THAT be something? It would!So I bemoaned the fact that my clothes are fitting weird to my Dad. And he says, “Let’s go buy you some new clothes!” And I’m thinking HECK NO!!! I may look a little weird for the next few months because I may have to rig my clothes to some safety pins and twine but I am NOT buying new clothes until I can get rid of all the fat ones first.Anyway…let today just go on record. 25 pounds, people!