My Name is Kris and I Blah-g

So, it’s been a while since I had written anything about my weight loss endeavor. In some ways it’s been a long 2 months because the weight doesn’t come off as fast as one would like. But it really does take a while to burn off this chubbiness! But the good thing is that I am seeing results so it is keeping me motivated to keep on going. I marvel at how I may look in another 6 months. The idea that I could end up in jeans smaller than I have ever worn as an adult is mind boggling. I find myself checking out the clothes at the mall in the skinny people stores and think that I may actually get to shop in one of them some day. That’s kinda cool. I am thinking that will be my reward should I ever fit into skinny jeans. I may actually buy them – full price, mind you – at a store that caters to skinny people. Where am I in this journey of mine? Well, I haven’t even made it to the half way mark but I can see it. It’s out there on the horizon. My ticker on the side of this site doesn’t reflect it accurately because it’s been acting up, but I am now down 23 pounds with the big 25 staring me right in the face. The way it’s been going this past week, if I am fortunate to see it, I could be announcing the 25lb weight loss in a matter of days. One thing I will say however is that I am now below my pre-pregnancy weight which is pretty exciting. It’s not that much lower but enough to put a smile on my face when I have to sit in front of yet another salad at lunch time. Actually, the salads aren’t that bad. I don’t mind them so much, especially the ones with berries and chicken in them. I am thankful that I can sit down at dinner and eat semi-normally otherwise I don’t see this new way of eating sticking around. What I am saying is that I don’t feel “deprived”. Yeah there are times like last night when I really wanted a sweet treat but I just couldn’t figure out what to have. I flitted back and forth from a Creamie to a banana to a cookie and finally decided that it was just time to go to bed and forget about the treat. I wasn’t going to DIE if I didn’t have it. I had pretty much reached my calorie goal for the day and I didn’t NEED it. Yeah! Seriously! Another WHOA moment for me. Who is this girl?So, how is the exercise going? It would be fantastic if my legs and feet would cooperate. My last saga were infuriating leg cramps and a quest to find the perfect shoe. I ended up getting some Nike running shoes and I ended up walking all over Washington DC 2 weeks ago in them. They held up great. My feet felt great and my legs even better. We were walking at least 5 miles a day and one day clocked 9 miles. So the shoes and my legs/feet were getting a work out! But then a couple days ago I started to get heel pain in my left foot. WHAT THE HECK!? SO annoying. So it’s been a battle the past few days with me telling my 38 year old body that although it’s not 22 any more, it IS 23 pounds lighter and I am doing it a favor by taking the weight off. The least it could do is stop hurting so I can reach my goal. It’s not listening to me though. This morning as soon as my foot hit the floor there was pain. Actually I knew the pain was coming because laying in bed there was a slow throb reminding me that I was about to give my left foot the middle finger. Thankfully though, with a little Naproxen and some stretching and of course, putting in that 2 miles this morning, the heel is irritated but not throbbing. I’ll survive.There you have it. That’s the latest. Dad tells me that he’s seeing a big difference. I see it in the numbers on the scale but not quite with my clothes – well maybe a little in the shirts. But I’m still looking forward to the day that I need to hold on to my belt loops when I walk to keep them from falling to my ankles!

is apparently located in my mid-section. The weight isn’t falling off but it’s moving. I think my ears are probably shrinking… maybe my pinky finger. I feel like a balloon. If you squeeze my head, I think my butt will explode… ok that is a visual and a metaphor that I could have left unsaid but still…EEK! So, how is the diet going?? Well… I dunno. I really need to stop weighing myself daily. My sister bought a new scale. It measures in tenths of a pound which can be good and bad. It can be good because you can see tiny progress here and there and it can be bad because those little boogers can move up and down and all over the place. ARGH!I kinda wish I had been meticulous with the record keeping since the beginning. I declared my diet on January 5th but didn’t really start in earnest until at least 10-14 days later when I started my daily exercise. The competitor in me is wanting to try to pass my sister up…but she’s at an advantage. She was at least 15 pounds lighter than me to start with. Don’t get me wrong, I want her to succeed because it will keep her motivated and in turn, that will keep me motivated. Maybe competing is a good thing? Regardless, I shouldn’t poo-poo (I love to use that term) my progress. I am about 18 pounds lighter than when I started a little over a month ago. That’s nothing to sneeze at. I should be happy about that. But then again, patience is NOT one of my virtues. It’s not one of my sister’s either. She and I bemoaned the fact that it’s taking a long time. It’s not really. If you think about it, it’s not like we spend our day working out like they do on the Biggest Loser. If what I am reading is correct, then my reduced caloric intake alone should help me drop the weight. But then I get that visual of me being a balloon again and with a butt as wide as Texas. Not gonna go there. It’s bad enough that it’s as wide as Kansas as it is!So, here I am… the weight is shifting. My pants still are the same size  yet I can find my feet again. TRIUMPH! I do have motivating factors now. I have a party to prepare for this summer and next Spring a wedding to participate in. My dad says he can see a difference. That’s good. But he’s dad. Let’s just say that when I finally get to stand face to face with Mike again, I want him to say “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?” I would love that. Have I mentioned lately (I am going to blather on, folks….it’s Saturday night and I am desperately B.O.R.E.D.), that I have been experiencing leg cramps while I walk? I am not sure why that is. It’s been a month and you’d think I was used to it by now. But to be honest, here I am more sore now than I was 3 weeks ago. I thought maybe it’s because I am not stretching before I walk. So I made sure today to stretch out my legs – in particular, the calf muscles and then like a fool, started jumping up and down. Hey, I see football players do it…figured I’d give it a try. I thought maybe it worked but again, my right leg stiffened right up about mid-way through my walk. It’s quite painful. I am wondering if perhaps I am walking differently now and my shoes could be causing me issues. I love new shoes…but they cost moola of which I shouldn’t spend on just anything. I do have future trips to Disneyland to think of, you know. So, anyway…the legs hurt now. I run the stairs anyway and work out the kinks and when I really need the motivation, I try to picture Mike standing there in front of me. And before I know it, I am walking taller and faster. Whatever works, ya know?

The scouts came over last night to drop off some Valentines Cookies. I have been pretty proud of myself for resisting most sugar for the past 3 weeks. I have decided that depleting it completely from the diet is near close to impossible but I have cut out juices and other things that have added sugar and that part hasn’t been too bad. With the exception of pig out Super Bowl Sunday, I have been a healthy eating girl. But then the sugar cookies arrived.They were big. They were soft. They were swimming in pink frosting and red heart candies. They were begging to be eaten. And after all, the cute lil’ scouts worked so hard on them. I declared it a cheat night and went for a cookie. Oh. My. Gosh. I think in a matter of about 2 minutes, I gained back all 16 pounds I had lost in the past 2 and half weeks. The cookie was sweet. VERY sweet. And I can honestly say that I have no desire for another one.Guilt…. it’s a powerful diet tool.

I have to admit. Dieting sucks. Counting carbs sucks! Who was the jerk who thought of that!? I understand why Garfield always said “diet” is “DIE” with a “T”. There are times you feel like you’re dying. Not because I couldn’t have sweets but just because there are times when I find myself so hungry! But what I have learned is that I am not supposed to be hungry. If I get hungry, then it’s working. And when I get hungry I need to feed myself. I find that concept a little hard to accept still but I am trying. I am proud of myself because the other night I got the case of the munchies. I went downstairs and stared into the fridge waiting for something to pop out at me and say EAT ME! But the guilt was just too much. I shouldn’t be eating at this time of night but I was HUNGRY!! So I grabbed some apples and luckily that staved off the hunger. Yeah, I shouldn’t be eating that late at night and it probably shouldn’t have been something as sweet as an apple but hey, I didn’t grab the ice cream or the Zingers that were sitting on the counter. I think I am doing pretty darn good…So good in fact that this morning I discovered that I was 15 pounds down since I started this thing a month ago. FIFTEEN POUNDS!! Holy mackrel! I can’t believe it. Naturally I will weigh in again to make sure this isn’t a fluke. In my disbelief, I jumped on the scale a bit. I tried to weigh myself down and the needle didn’t budge. Well, what do ya know about that? Lowering your daily caloric intake and getting off your butt for a wee bit of exercise works! Who knew?! I still have a long way to go. But I am encouraged by the results so far. I know that at some point the weight loss will slow down. I can’t expect to lose 15 pounds every month although wouldn’t that be something? I look forward to when the loss amounts into major inches lost and my pants won’t stay up. Oh, how I long for that day. I have been walking at the mall every morning – 2 miles (yeah, I count it). And I walk by all these clothes stores and covet the tiny pairs of jeans that hang in their windows. Perhaps one day I will get to shop in a store that isn’t meant for fat girls and buy a normal size. But for now, my goal is to at least reach the lowest size available in the fat girl’s store. If I can reach that, I will be a happy camper!

So, I have been trying to lose weight. It hasn’t been easy. Since I last blogged a staggering 18 days ago, I don’t think I have lost a single thing…other than my sanity and my ability to hold my water. To be fair, however I don’t believe I have tried in earnest until about 4 days ago. Yes, I was starting off slow in the beginning… a protein shake here, another there, carrots for lunch…that sort of thing. But let’s get real, how long would THAT last? Not long considering that we still had mounds of Christmas goodies left on our counters and mom’s birthday and a trip to Disneyland have occurred since then. So, I put those events behind me and this past Wednesday, with my sister as my diet buddy, we have been going full steam ahead on the diet.I think the most frustrating part has been the cutting out of sugar. I have dramatically reduced the sugar. I even tried that in California when I was there. I didn’t have anything with added sugar but have since discovered there are dietary sugars in every stinking thing you eat. I have stayed away from cakes, juices, candy and my beloved ice cream. I’ve been living mostly on a diet of fruits, vegetables and lean meats like chicken. I think I could find a way to make this a permanent thing but I’m going to have to figure out new and exciting ways to fix some of these same food items. And despite all of this I have to satisfy my sweet tooth. To do this I rely heavily on fruit. Still…. I see the numbers of the dietary sugar (whatever that is) remain high. How can that be?!! It’s so frustrating!In the past 4 days I have made it a goal to keep my caloric intake between 1200 and 1800 calories, drink at least 64 ounces of water a day and walk for at least 45 minutes to an hour and do so at a quick pace of at least 3.5mph. I have done well. I have absolutely kept the caloric intake low. I’ve surpassed the water thing by drinking at least 85 oz/day and have walked each day. It’s been a long four days… The only change I have seen has been a huge increase in my trips to the bathroom. I must pee every two hours and some times I have to go every 30 minutes. I’m drinking a ton of water. It’s nuts! I can see why some people give up but I hope this is a habit I can get into and for now I am curious as to what it will do to me. So, I am hereby making myself a science experiment – call it the great pee till you’re skinny diet… gross.

Will power. Stamina. Energy. Guts. Determination. All of these things are needed when you embark on the journey to lose weight. I have none of them save one that is not listed – desperation. I have never been a small girl. My parents dispute this because in their eyes I will always be 6 and that was the last time that I can remember ever fitting into clothes that were the appropriate size for my age. I have steadily gotten bigger as I have gotten older. I don’t think I have ever really LOST weight – ever. Unless, of course you count bouts with the flu as a weight loss method.My decision to attempt the impossible (at least to me it is) hasn’t come lightly or quickly. I, like so many people at this time of year look upon it as a challenge which usually crash and burns by the end of the first day of the year. I have decided that my new years for ever more will start on January 5th. I just don’t know if I could endure those depressing first 4 days of the year without chocolate. So I am going to go easy on myself – at least for now. I’m also realistic. How long can I last living on bananas? So far, 2 meals… I’m on my way.I don’t own a bathroom scale. I threw it out with a bunch of other garbage that I dumped last year. When Mike died there was an urgency to clean things out – remove the old… just start out with virtually nothing. I don’t know why. I am not sure why my instinct was to push it all away. But I kept very few things that were ours and used the excuse of moving out of my home and having no place to store my stuff. I kept the important things, of course. But the bathroom scale? It was outta there. Mike bought that scale when he had his weight loss surgery. It was a surgery that I was totally against him having but he was his own man. He made his own decisions and he was stubborn about this one. I didn’t see surgical methods as a good and natural way to lose weight. And after witnessing what it did to him, I know that I am right. There is a reason why our stomachs are the way they are. There is a reason why we don’t drink from thimble-sized cups and call it a meal. There is a reason why there is more to weight loss than forcibly making your stomach smaller. It’s mental and it’s physical. Both of which he was unprepared for. I grew to hate that bathroom scale of his as I saw him shrink away. Sure, size wise he ended up being what he wanted to be. But he never had the strength and stamina that he promised me the surgery would give him. He never had the willpower to resist sweets. Instead he’d continue to eat them until his small stomach couldn’t take it any more and he’d end up sick in the bathroom – sometimes requiring me to come home from the middle of the day at work to attend to his problem. I saw his struggle day in and day out and I vowed that I would never go to the lengths that he did to lose weight. I’d be fat but I’d be happy. He was no longer fat and he was certainly NOT happy. That scale was a reminder of all that so I threw it out with out a second thought. But now here I am. I know that, for myself I need to do this. I asked Mike once if he’d help me. I asked him if he’d be my work out and diet partner and help me keep on track. It would mean we’d have to limit our sweets in the house and that he’d have to be there to help keep me motivated. And I’ll never forget what he said. He told me that he didn’t know how he could help me. He said that this would be something I’d have to do by myself. He just didn’t have it in him. Words cannot express how disappointed and hurt I was. It was even more obvious then that his weight loss surgery was just a means to an end. He had the small body that he wanted but the person I had married was gone. His mind was someplace else.To remember these moments is hard. I have mourned his death so deeply. I miss him desperately. But the reality is that the decisions he made in the last couple years of his life hurt not only himself but his family too. It’s hard to get past the anger but I am working on it. To do that I have decided that I need to work on myself. I need to be comfortable in the skin that I am in, no matter what size it is. I don’t expect to be a size 2. Nor do I want to be. I’d be happy just feeling good again and if I can do that in a size 14, that’s A-OK by me. So wish me luck. And if you can spare a moment, cheer me on. I am not exactly sure how I will accomplish this but figured if I put it in writing and make it public, then there is no turning back. So here I am, World. Phat girl on the loose. Watch out.