My Name is Kris and I Blah-g

6 months ago I blogged about what would have been my 13th wedding anniversary. Then I stopped blogging. I spent the last couple of months of 2010 being enveloped by a dark cloud mostly consisting of anger and depression. It really hit me on Mike’s birthday in November and then didn’t let up until after the 3rd anniversary of his death in January. Truth be told, life isn’t much different than it was 3 years ago. The only difference is that the sting of his passing isn’t as painful as it once was, I am no longer shocked to know that he’s gone and I don’t expect him to come walking through my door anytime soon. Honestly, my day to day living doesn’t include sitting here pining away for him. Part of that makes me sad because I want to hold on to that part of our marriage that was wonderful. But part of me is relieved. It’s exhausting to mourn. I’m tired of it. I am sick of being sad. And I’m so wanting to be over being mad at him.

So… I have been putting my energies elsewhere. I am still at home helping my mom. Her recovery from her stroke has been long and difficult – mostly for her, not me. It has taxed my patience though. There are times when I feel like I have none. But I have to remember she’s starting many things over from scratch. She is frustrated and angry too. It’s very hard for her to resign herself to the fact that things can’t get back to the way they were and she needs someone here to do the basic necessities because honestly she’d just forget to do it otherwise. So, I’m it. She gets her medicine, breakfast and her bathing from me. From wake up to lunchtime it’s just us. Then Dad comes home and takes over – just in time for me to pick up the kid from school and do a different kind of mothering.

Speaking of the kid, she’s grown – A LOT – this year. I hardly recognize the little girl anymore. She’s turning to such a young lady. She’ll be a flower girl in her first wedding this May and is very excited. This morning we went to a bridal store to pick out her dress and get it pinned for alterations. She’ll have shoes dyed to match too. I got a brief glimpse today of what it will be like to go prom shopping and someday, wedding dress shopping with her.

Let’s see…what else is new?? Well, the weight loss thing… I started on this journey in January of last year. I was doing really good until about Mid-May when Mom got sick. By that point I had dropped about 42lbs. And then things just came to a screeching halt. I stopped going to the gym as I couldn’t leave Mom alone for extended periods of time and finally by the time I could, I had gotten out of the habit. I was fortunate that I only gained back about 5lbs but I knew that when the new year got here again this year, I would really want to step it up again so I can at least reach my goal by this May. Will it happen? I dunno. As of this morning I am down about 11lbs since the first of the year. That’s good but not GREAT. I see-saw give or take about 2 lbs. The good news is that when the rubber band stops bouncing, I am usually lighter than I was before. It’s just not by a lot. But I’ll keep trying. I am drinking water and trying to not eat a lot and I am going to exercise. I HOPE that I can be where I want to be by the wedding in May. No. NOT MY WEDDING. Ugh! As if! Look at that picture above? That wedding the kid is in, I am in too but I am a bridesmaid and I want to look good in my dress. Seriously I didn’t even try this hard for my own wedding. Hmm.. wonder why that is? *shrug*

Okay so the big BIG news of this year is that I will be going on the Rick Springfield cruise in November. Hence the reason for the new look to the site. I intend on blogging from the ship (if I can get an internet connection) and sharing my experiences with the world (and the family back home). This is a mega-big deal for me so be happy for me! I am pretty excited and so is Michaela who will be my companion. Mommy & Daughter are going on an adventure and we couldn’t be more excited!

Between now and then, however I have a wedding in May, front row (!!!!) tickets for Rick Springfield in June, a trip to California with Michaela to visit with some friends in July, a possible trip to Mike’s family in August and Michaela’s 9th birthday to look forward to. It’s going to be a busy 2011.

Still hard to believe.

Still can’t sing that hymn in church.

Still see you in her eyes.

Still find it easier to live in denial.

Still feel rushes of sadness overwhelm me.

Still think of you every day.

Still won’t eat at that place I got lunch the day you left.

Still remember how cold it felt to kiss you goodbye.

Still get mad at myself for feeling this way.

Still missing you.

still sucks.

I once saw a person eat a tomato like it was an apple. There’s nothing wrong with that. I am sure that if you’re a tomato person (and I am NOT), it can be an enjoyable experience. But if you have ever seen a tomato – and I am sure you have – and if you have ever tried to slice a tomato with a dull knife, you will undoubtedly know that it can be a messy thing. The same can be said when someone bites into one. The person that I witnessed engorging themselves in tomato bliss, although enjoying themselves, fell victim to the tomato. Most if it ended up on their shirt instead of inside their mouth. It was a mess. The only thing worse than watching this person obliterate the tomato all over their shirt was watching a lady in the car next to me at a stop light pick her nose and then eat her new found treasure. True story. But that’s another blog post. So why even mention this? Well, I always thought that I wouldn’t ever want to be such a slob. I mean, I am no beauty queen. I am about as graceful as an ox on a frozen lake. But I wouldn’t want to prance around town with a tomato stain on my shirt either.Then I became a mom.I don’t know exactly when it happened for the first time. But I started to notice that I had a drinking problem shortly after the birth of my daughter. No. My vice isn’t alcohol. I just can’t for the life of me take a drink of water, milk, soda – anything without it dribbling out the corner of my mouth and dripping off my chin. Inevitably if I eat spaghetti, for example, I will leave the dinner table with a new design on my shirt – polkadots made of sauce. Or pizza? I may find an olive, dried up and shriveled and STUCK to my shirt an hour later. My personal favorite is popcorn….I keep a treasure trove of that in my bra. My mom once told me that it was what happens when you become a mom. It almost sounded like a badge of honor that I should be proud to wear. Don’t get me wrong. I LOVE being a mom. I just don’t like looking like I am 4 months old and can’t hold my rice cereal. My mom has accepted that this just comes with the territory. In fact, it doesn’t even register with her that a Cheerio from 3 days ago can be a snack for later on today. What’s so wrong with that?So, anyway, what’s the point? I was just thinking about it as I was washing off the chocolate milk that I dribbled down my shirt a few minutes ago. I was thinking about how different my life has become. I’m not complaining…well, not really. Some parts of my life really suck. Actually, ONE thing really sucks. My husband is dead. It is a reality that I live with daily. What’s weird is that sometimes I forget that part of it. I just get so busy and although that’s really great to be busy, it’s a huge depression of my mood when I realize, “Whoa! Mike is DEAD! When did THAT happen?” But I digress….this isn’t supposed to be some wo is me post. It was only spilled chocolate milk, for Heaven’s sake. I shouldn’t cry over it (ha ha). I never really understood what it meant to be one of those frazzled – do everything Moms. At one time, I had a partner. He and I shared lots of the responsibilities – mainly getting Michaela to school, picking her up, etc. For years I would get up in the morning, get dressed and go to work. I’d work the 8-5 job and come home. Some nights Mike was there cooking dinner when I got there. Other nights when it was his turn to work, I would pick up Michaela from my Mom’s and do the nightly ritual of dinner and put the kid to bed. It was a ritual. It was the same every day. It was comfort.Now, it’s different. Now there is a sense of urgency in my day. Now there is a nagging need to make sure that I do it all. Sure I am bringing it all on myself. Gimme a break. I’ve never been through this before. I have heard people talk about how humbling it is to give service. Try letting some one render you a service. Those chocolate milk stains won’t seem so bad…